Anonymous
Post 01/04/2016 11:30     Subject: With so many fights about house cleaning and chores
Anonymous wrote:Divorcee here. This was a battle my ex and I had. Our marriage counselor suggested, as a PP did, that it was not about the chores but about deeper issues in the relationship. I thought she was wrong at the time but now with some distance and hindsight I think she was right.

Sometimes this fight probably really is about the cleaning and getting things done. In that situation a cleaning service would help immensely.

However, in our case, and probably many others, the underlying issue was that my ex was checked out of the relationship and not contributing in many ways. I felt lonely and unsupported. The fact that he would say he would do x and then not do it was just a manifestation of the bigger issue, the lack of support and loneliness. Getting a cleaning service (which we actually did) does not help with that.


Another divorcee here. This was an issue in my first marriage too, exactly the way you put it. I also felt (perhaps unfairly) that his suggestion of us getting a cleaning service rather than just helping himself was a manifestation of his lack of interest in our collective life. It's a perfectly rational solution to a problem of cleaning, but it seemed to me that it was another way for him to not deal with an issue he was contributing to, to make that someone else's responsibility.

That said, having someone come in and mop floors and do detailed cleaning of bathroom and such was (and is) great. The day our cleaners come, the house just feels better to me. I swear the light looks different on those days
Anonymous
Post 01/04/2016 11:27     Subject: With so many fights about house cleaning and chores
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why don't people just fucking get a maid service?? Save your marriage.

And don't tell me you don't have the money, it's cheaper than therapy and lawyers.

For us, it isn't the big stuff that a maid service would take care. It's the little, constant stuff. Maid isn't going to come in every night/every other night to pick up toys (in fact, you have to make the kids do that before the maid comes), no one is coming in a couple of times a day to to empty and load dishwasher, etc. These are the more annoying things to me.


We used to have a service once a week. It was actually a bit of a pain because we'd actually have to spend half the night before getting the house ready for the maid.
Anonymous
Post 01/04/2016 11:21     Subject: With so many fights about house cleaning and chores
Divorcee here. This was a battle my ex and I had. Our marriage counselor suggested, as a PP did, that it was not about the chores but about deeper issues in the relationship. I thought she was wrong at the time but now with some distance and hindsight I think she was right.

Sometimes this fight probably really is about the cleaning and getting things done. In that situation a cleaning service would help immensely.

However, in our case, and probably many others, the underlying issue was that my ex was checked out of the relationship and not contributing in many ways. I felt lonely and unsupported. The fact that he would say he would do x and then not do it was just a manifestation of the bigger issue, the lack of support and loneliness. Getting a cleaning service (which we actually did) does not help with that.
Anonymous
Post 01/04/2016 11:00     Subject: With so many fights about house cleaning and chores
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why don't people just fucking get a maid service?? Save your marriage.

And don't tell me you don't have the money, it's cheaper than therapy and lawyers.

For us, it isn't the big stuff that a maid service would take care. It's the little, constant stuff. Maid isn't going to come in every night/every other night to pick up toys (in fact, you have to make the kids do that before the maid comes), no one is coming in a couple of times a day to to empty and load dishwasher, etc. These are the more annoying things to me.


Well, yeah, but if the maid is doing the other stuff, then you can spend the time you'd otherwise spend on that and, instead, use it to pick up toys, do the dishwasher -- and still be doing less overall work.
That may be so, but my point is that the maid wouldn't alleviate our problem. The maid coming in three days from now is not going to help me get those dishes cleaned before bed. That's the kind of thing we fight about. It doesn't really matter if I tell myself that last Friday she came so I have less work - The fact is that after both of us work all day and I pick up the kids and make the dinner (that I shopped for) and put them down, I really want him to do the dishes to make the evening chores go faster. I don't need a maid, I need a second wife.
Anonymous
Post 01/04/2016 10:57     Subject: With so many fights about house cleaning and chores
I've been reading about life on the frontier -- as settlers moved in and what they had to do to survive.

I know that we don't want our lives to be like their lives. But, still, it's tough to avoid the conclusion that we're a bunch of whining, entitled wimps, complaining about laundry and dishes and toys.
Anonymous
Post 01/04/2016 10:55     Subject: With so many fights about house cleaning and chores
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why don't people just fucking get a maid service?? Save your marriage.

And don't tell me you don't have the money, it's cheaper than therapy and lawyers.

For us, it isn't the big stuff that a maid service would take care. It's the little, constant stuff. Maid isn't going to come in every night/every other night to pick up toys (in fact, you have to make the kids do that before the maid comes), no one is coming in a couple of times a day to to empty and load dishwasher, etc. These are the more annoying things to me.


Well, yeah, but if the maid is doing the other stuff, then you can spend the time you'd otherwise spend on that and, instead, use it to pick up toys, do the dishwasher -- and still be doing less overall work.
Anonymous
Post 01/04/2016 10:14     Subject: With so many fights about house cleaning and chores
Anonymous wrote:We upped our cleaners to 1x a week and they fold laundry. It doesn't solve everything but helps a lot!


I have cleaners 2x a week, and I am a SAHM with school going kids! My family has no time to help with chores at all. My kids and DH are constantly busy and working, and so any free time they have goes in catching up with sleep and relaxation. I am also heavily involved with a lot of my kids EC activities, so my time also gets sucked up in that.

Chores in the house is a fact of life. They are not going away. If you can afford it, it is worth the expense to outsource it. I have to cut down on other expenses and luxuries to afford cleaners, but I think the help is worth it.

No other service or person makes such a difference to my family's quality of living as the people who help me, and it frees up precious time for all of us.
Anonymous
Post 01/04/2016 10:00     Subject: With so many fights about house cleaning and chores
We upped our cleaners to 1x a week and they fold laundry. It doesn't solve everything but helps a lot!
Anonymous
Post 01/04/2016 09:55     Subject: Re:With so many fights about house cleaning and chores
I think its just a common source of tension that is usually really about something else or a combo of things. I actually like housework and do 99 percent of it without issue but I still can nit pick when I am feeling frustrated in other areas of my marriage. I try to avoid this and directly state my issue but sometimes it happens.
Anonymous
Post 01/04/2016 09:53     Subject: With so many fights about house cleaning and chores
This is exactly what we did. It works pretty well, but it's not a magic bullet. There are still housework that needs to be done during the stretches between cleaners.
Anonymous
Post 01/04/2016 09:46     Subject: With so many fights about house cleaning and chores
Anonymous wrote:Why don't people just fucking get a maid service?? Save your marriage.

And don't tell me you don't have the money, it's cheaper than therapy and lawyers.

For us, it isn't the big stuff that a maid service would take care. It's the little, constant stuff. Maid isn't going to come in every night/every other night to pick up toys (in fact, you have to make the kids do that before the maid comes), no one is coming in a couple of times a day to to empty and load dishwasher, etc. These are the more annoying things to me.
Anonymous
Post 01/04/2016 09:45     Subject: With so many fights about house cleaning and chores
Anonymous wrote:It's not about the chores, many times. If the maid comes in and does it, they'll find something else to be unhappy about.


Agree. To many people are into tit for tat score keeping. If it's not housework it'll just be something else.
Anonymous
Post 01/04/2016 09:40     Subject: With so many fights about house cleaning and chores
It's not about the chores, many times. If the maid comes in and does it, they'll find something else to be unhappy about.
Anonymous
Post 01/04/2016 09:34     Subject: With so many fights about house cleaning and chores
Or just take time to realize this before you marry...
Anonymous
Post 01/04/2016 09:33     Subject: With so many fights about house cleaning and chores
Why don't people just fucking get a maid service?? Save your marriage.

And don't tell me you don't have the money, it's cheaper than therapy and lawyers.