Maybe your family unit needs to take a break from your in-laws until you can trust that you and your husband will have the backbone to stick up for your children. Devise a "plan of action" for how you're going to handle certain comments or behaviors from them as they interact with your children. Tell your husband what you'd like to happen when his brother gets out of line with your children—maybe not so much choking him out but more like, let him know, "hey bro, you don't have to be so stern with him, little Johnny responds best when ..."

Pp regarding the picture. no it wasn't his decision. It wasn't his wedding. He's a very dominating ass, so he just decided what was going to happen In that moment.

That brother lives 5 minutes from is and is very close to,my children. He was so distracted he couldn't have notice what was happening in that moment.

But yes love e suggestions of now being prepped and now DH and I are on the same page. DH doesn't fight with family and I think he doesn't know how to go there.

BIl isn't being a peacekeeping for MIL. He is a mamas boy. What she says he believes and puppets.

Regarding the picture thing, I think you did the right thing by not saying anything. He was an ass, at the least he should've taken one picture with her and one without her, but he decides who is in his picture.
Regarding the rest of it? Your husband's family sounds awful. It should be handled in the moment but since the moment has passed, you need to not get together with them next time or bring it up before you see them.
Frankly I'm shocked that your husband isn't more comfortable putting his younger brother in line. But if he won't do it, you have to, or spend less time with these people.

I agree with the others, OP.

The first thing to remember is that if you don't want a major family fight, you stand your ground WITHOUT judgment or opinion. In other words, you say, (Like others have pointed out) Joe - if you have an issue with my kids talk to me and I'll discipline/handle/deal with them. Please do not scold them directly.

Then move on. Do not dwell on how he treats his kids differently (opinion) don't dwell on his relationship with his mother (judgment).

He'll probably say something like, "they're too loud, then. Quiet them down." or "they shouldn't play with those toys" Then you'll have to deal with that. Either defend your kids by inserting YOUR parenting style here (don't get into a back and forth about whether they are quiet or not "They are actually playing quietly") but more along the lines of "Joe, this is the way I like them to play, so I'm going to let them continue at this level." or "Joe, these are the toys I brought, so they will continue with these toys. If you have a problem with it, you and I will have to come to some sort of compromise."


your MIL. the next time she calls your kid the devil (WOW!!!!) again, without judgment or anything, you need to say "MIL, do NOT call little Danny the devil. I will not be able to bring him for visits if you do." That's it. No anger, judgment or anything. and KEEP REPEATING It. every time she says it. "MIL, as I mentioned before I will not have you call my son the devil." if it doesn't stop. I wouldn't bring your kid over to visit anymore.


On another note about BIL and MIL. It could be that MIL is complaining about your kids and the BIL is trying to play "peacekeeper" by badgering your kids so that his mother would not be bothered by them. If that's the case, you may not want to be SO angry at BIL. He may actually - in his own warped and diluted way - be trying to keep the family together.

They live in condos. ThAts why kids are restricted.

PP trust me that's where I've been at for a while but DH won't do that. He finally saw it over Xmas holidays tho. That long stretch with his family he finally saw it.Me think we can finally take a step back even if we don't speak up now. But I now know how to handle it going forward.

Gosh, he sounds awful!

I, too, would have had some difficulty speaking up, since I'm rather shy. But next time, around, prepare yourself with rehearsed phrases, and say them firmly and clearly as soon as he starts.

You can warn your husband in advance that you're going to speak up, and tell him that you expect him to back you up 100%. There must be some weird family dynamic going on, but he absolutely has to get over it for the sake if his children.

Can't all 4 kids go run around outside to have cousin time? Why do they need to sit quietly in a corner?

If he behaved like that to me and MIL supported it, they would not see us.

I agree with the others. You actually have to say something at the time - along the lines of - Thanks John, we have this. Or John, I appreciate your efforts, but I think it is OK. If there is something you are concerned about, please pull me aside and let me know. Then change the subject - don't dwell on it. So... Did you see that big bird over there, I wonder what kind of bird that is. Also, keep in mind, it will happen more than once, try and keep from saying I have asked you not to do that - just keep up with the - thanks John, we have this handled. We feel this is appropriate. And flash him a charming smile.

You guys are right. We were too passive. I don't know how to handle conflict with my inlaws. We see them about once a month or every other month. They love 6 hours away and come down to see My MIl and FIL.

My inlaws absolutely love this son (he is their financial support) and kiss his ass, (to keep their $ coming). They support him with everything (even though it's wrong). In fact, I feel like it's possible that MIL talks abt my children (she's late 50s and I think generally is past the age where she's comfortable with children in her home) so my children irritate for that reason alone. She hides their toys If they visit (once a month). And prefers they only watch tv. I feel like she's the one who pushed this son, so talk this way. He's her mouthpiece, and puppet. I truly can't stand this brother. That's the only reason I want to talk to MIL. To let her know I was hurt. To let her know their comments (she is generally cruel with her words to my children,mine ie has nicknamed my son the devil). I'm not being biased. But he's a sweetheart. And does nothing at her home to warrant that name. I hate that she calls him that. She does this when DH isn't around, only for my ears.

I think you're all right. I need to handle it next time on the spot. There have been several moments where he's disrespected my children. I just haven't known how to handle it. Ie/ 2 months ago, 3rd brother got married, there was a family picture of the siblings, this brother had his 2.5 yr old daughter in the picture. my daughter came running to be in it. She's very close to this uncle and that brother told her sternly to leave the picture and it was for siblings only. She was shocked and says bc clearly his kids were in it!? I was fuming, but again didn't handle it.

Firmly jump in, "John, they're fine." And outside of the kids' earshot, "And if you think there's an issue, please talk to me." You could also tell him that he speaks too critically to them, and if there's truly a disparity you could point out that he's more gentle and patient with his own kid. You could say that you understand he'd naturally prefer his own child but that he should still speak to yours with patience and gentleness.

Maybe he DOESN'T like your kids. How much time do you spend with him?

PP was blunt but pretty much correct. You need to discuss with DH and come up with a plan for how to handle it next time. Don't say anything now. He has it in his head that your kids were being too loud and will only remember it that way. Talk to DH and ask if he wants to handle it next time or if it's ok for you to say something to avoid friction between brothers.

Figure out some things you could say depending on possible problems BIL might perceive (noise, kids running, making a mess, etc). Also ask DH if there's something you could say, like a code word, if DH wants to handle it but doesn't step up, so you can nudge him discretely.

Don't be so passive. It's up to you to take up for your kids. Letting it happen tells people it's ok for them to reprimand your kids as they see fit. Usually just saying "I've got the discipline under control" is enough to get people to stop.

Your husband needed to bring it up when it was happening. Or, if your husband didn't see it happening, YOU needed to say in the moment "Thanks Bruce, but Larlo is behaving just fine." "Bruce, I'll handle disciplining my kids."

To say something now is ridiculous. To talk to your MIL would also be ridiculous - are YOU four years old? No? Then you don't go tattling to Mommy. You should be angry at your husband and yourself for being shitty parents who didn't stand up for your kids in the moment.

A huge fight.

So the holidays ended thank god. BIL is gone with his wife and toddler and newborn.

When he was here he continuously spoke down to my toddler and 7 yr old. And they truly didn't deserve it. He holds his,own children up,on a pedestal and thinks everyone should cater to them. Is my son was playing with 4 dinky cars quietly on a chair, and he scolded him for being loud. My 2 yr old was scared. Not be his nB was sleeping but bc I think he genuinely dislikes all children outside of his own. We were at my other BILs condo and I brought 4 cars for my toddle to play with and 3 babies for my daughter (newly weds with nothing kid friendly live here) and he actually snapped at me and told me not to bring toys next time. My kids were sitting in a corner quietly btw. They were stunned at each instance and of course my DH never told,him to STFU.
Incidences like this were non stop.

Now that he's gone do we bring it up? I am livid with how he spoke to me (I'm older than him btw) so,shouldn't there be a consideration? And also how he treated my young children. We would never dream of speaking to any child that way. And his toddler is far from perfect.

Do we talk to him directly? DH would , but he's uneasy doing it (his younger brother), talk to MIL who saw everything but did nothing either. This is her go.den child. I'm at the verge of not speaking to any of these ppl again.