They should not be your care providers. Have dinner with them once a month where they can visit and play with your children. But end the care arrangement. They are not respectful of you or your DH. This is not okay.

FIL seems very insecure. I would not tolerate any of the stuff you mentioned either the passive aggressive insults or dictating what your son does on vacation etc.

I would not allow him to watch your son anymore. it's not worth it. When things calm down I would begin to set some boundaries. "If you are inappropriate in these ways, we will ask you to leave or we will leave".

He will throw a temper tantrum, maybe give the silent treatment for awhile, but if he loves his grandson he will come around. Just don't let him up the ante, stick with your boundaries and carry on.

Pick your battles.

You are being ridiculously controlling and sensiive about some things (people say grandpa is my kid's favorite person or starting a fight over the puzzle) and a bit to passive about others (sitting on the lawnmower is fine but turning it on was dangerous).

Don't be difficult about stupid stuff. It is easier to get your way on the hard stuff if you don't waist energy and good will fighting or getting offended over minor, unimportant in the grand scheme of things little stuff.

Address it directly.

If it doesn't work out, start looking for alternative childcare arrangements or some sort of program. Maybe you could cut back to just half a day or one day every two weeks and then cut them out entirely.

Anonymous wrote:I say his behavior has gone way beyond disrespectful and you should consider not having him be childcare anymore.

I agree, how terrible for you that you have to hear someone talk to you like this in your own home. I would address it head on with DH there to back you up. Tell him something like " In our house we are teaching DC to respect everyone, when comments are made about DH, and Grandpa being favorites, or how DC prefers to spend time with others over me it undermines what we are trying to teach DC, not only that I feel so disrespected. I am explaining this to you because maybe you didn't know how I felt, now that you do I expect it to change.

Then If they don't change you can let them know DC will be seeing them less frequently, I would not lead with a threat tho, no need to put them on edge. Also you need to demand a more respect from them for yourself not just because of the poor things they are modeling for your child.

I say his behavior has gone way beyond disrespectful and you should consider not having him be childcare anymore.

Ugh! Sounds a bit familiar. I allow some of these things and others I'm on like white on rice. I choose my battles. I think you have to as well. Sorry things got out of control.

It sounds like you should have stood up for yourselves a long time ago and didn't...and this is what Helens when you let things fester.

Take a step way, way back, then let DH approach FIL for a heart to heart to start with.

OP- Ignore the poster who said you were controlling. If you did NOT put sunscreen on your child at 2:30pm and they got burned, you'd be criticized for child abuse. If your toddler had fallen off the tractor, you'd be criticized for letting an irresponsible adult care for your child. YOU are the parent. It is your responsibility to ensure your child's safety and that you, DH, and your child have healthy relationships with each other. FIL may not be trying to cause problems, but it seems to me he is. That comment about mommy not being exciting but please give her a hug would have been the end for me. Good luck!

FIL's behavior is unacceptable. Reduce your child's interaction with him, it will reduce your stress.

Why exactly do you want such an asshole in your life? And are you prepared to model for your child that people can disrespect and ridicule one another? Particularly parents?

Look at the long game. Your FIL is setting you up for disastrous middle school years.

Please don't crosspost. What does that accomplish??

Anonymous wrote:Separate the relationship you have with them and your child. Let them do it their way when they are with him. You are bing too controlling.

horseshit.

Separate the relationship you have with them and your child. Let them do it their way when they are with him. You are bing too controlling.

will crosspost this in family section, but trying to find a healthy balance between having my inlaws involved in our children's lives and ensuring we have some space to grow ourselves as a family.

we probably created some of the situation by accepting an offer to provide childcare one day a week for our toddler.

DC truly loves the grandparents and in general they are good people -- my FIL in particular rubs me and many people the wrong way, but he is good with our child at this age (enjoys reading books, playing legos, going for walks etc and giving our child on-on-one attention).

He also enjoys passively insulting me and his son as well as things that are important to me in general (religion, organized sports --- he's an introvert who is obsessed with computer games). I have tried to generally ignore his comments because I know he struggles with maintaining friendships, etc but they often make me feel uncomfortable in my own home (for example, I'm leaving for work in the morning and I go to hug DC, DC hugs me and turns back to my FIL and FIL says, "see that tells you DC wants to be with me" or my FIL will say "I know Mommy isn't as exciting as Daddy but please give her a hug too"). Inlaws frequently discuss how DH and FIL are DC's favorite people, "mommy's ok but not when compared with grandpa.")

DC does show a clear preference for my husband, which definitely hurts my feelings but we have our own bond and I altered my work schedule to spend more one-on-one time with DC -- am wondering if somehow DC is picking up on how inlaws treat me or something and that is affecting his attitude towards me. There are other minor issues too where DH and I are second-guessed by his folks --- ie on the timing of when to move the child's carseat to forward-facing position, whether we should apply sunscreen to a toddler before a beach outing at 230 in the afternoon in July (FIL criticizes us for doing so because its unnecessary), pushing us to keep a toddler up until 10 p.m. during a family vacation, secretly letting 20 month-old sit on a tractor lawn mower and turning it on without asking our permission, etc. then giggling like it was a fun secret when someone else in the family mentioned it.

They are very hands-on people, but occasionally it feels like our opinions and roles as parents are being shoved aside. Inlaws pushed hard to have DC sleep in their room during week-long family vacation (seems strange and overly aggressive to me to seek this sleeping arrangement), also would say they wanted to be the one to get DC when he woke up
from nap etc.

It all came to a head this week over the absolute stupidest of situations and we're know trying to reassess how to handle interactions:
My husband got into an argument with FIL after DH asked FIL to allow our child to play with a puzzle-type toy on his own so he could learn how to manipulate it, FIL refused and literally blew a raspberry in DH's face, getting spit on him in the process and DH lost it and it all turned into an epic WW III screaming match that ended with FIL screaming "go f*ck yourself" to DH. in front of entire family, including DC and other young children.

Any advice on how to proceed from here?