Anonymous wrote:Wow, op. Just wow. If I was your mom I would never give you another dime--before or after I die,

Dumb comment.

Anonymous wrote:Fair is not always equal. My grandmother recently left her entire estate, one small home, to one of her three children because he needed it and the others didn't. Your HHI is $400, you can make your own down payment. You chose to have children, you can support them and the high end lifestyle you want to give them on your own.

Now, it sounds like your sister wants to live far beyond her means simply because she has a larger down payment, and that is not wise, but also not your decision to make.

On a side note, what is your parents' HHI? Do you think it is fair for you to ask them for money when you likely make more than they do?

NP here and I don't think you have to do the same exact thing for two kids to be fair like saying I will put both Larla and Layla in soccer lessons to be equal when one loves soccer and the other drama. I don't even think the amount you spend has to be the same. If it costs $250 to be in the theatre activity but $1000 to be in soccer, you don't have to run out and find another $750 to spend on the child in theatre to be equal. But if you are doing squat for one child and everything for the other that is a choice you are entitled to make as a parent but I'm not going to say it is fair or equal. The only way I would say more to a child that needs is a real need like if the child has special needs that would make complete financial independence unrealistic or maybe a medical issue where an adult child temporarily needed help. I think most other situations you can come up with something to at least approach the realm of fair like taking the amount given now to one adult child from the amount left in inheritance for that child or putting money into a college fund for the grandchildren that were not in the line that had downoayment help.

So to the OP, yes I would be ticked. However, I realize people disagree if fair is achieved by giving much more to the one that financially has less (even if that is by way of making less responsible choices) or fair is that assuming they had equal opportunities you split amounts equally/split opportunities to do something important for each of them. All you can do is mention it if you think it does more damage to hold everything in and with your own kids follow your idea of doing better by them.

It's not unfair. Do you know how hard a person has to work to overcome a drug addiction? You make more than two times what she does. You CHOSE to have children. She did not chose to have a drug addiction. She is doing the best she can. You are doing the best you can. The best you can do gets you MUCH farther than the best she can do gets her.

I would bet my $40k salary that if i looked at your budget you are spending money you could be saving for that down payment on wants rather than on needs.

Totally unfair. I think she should at least give you something or deduct it from her inheritance.

Sorry op. I'm with ya!

My mom gave my sister 100k for a down payment on a house. She promised me the same but I felt it was presumptuous to remind her of her promise when I was house-hunting. She didn't volunteer the offer. She also gave each grandkid 20k for college when I was pregnant and promised the same when my son was actually born. 3 yrs later, I still haven't seen that. It is what it is. I still took care of her when she got cancer for the 3rd time. Family is family and it's not always fair. You're doing just fine, OP, w/o the help.

Fair is not always equal. Fair is not always equal. Fair is not always equal.
Someday you may understand. For now, it's not your call. Just try to be thankful for what you have.

My parents subsidized my brother his entire adult life and I never blinked twice. He was in need and I wasn't. And I'm talking about three times what your parents are giving your sister. Every time they gave him money it made logical sense to me. I viewed it as parents who could help did help. And I assumed if I ever needed help, they'd help me too. It was their mindset that mattered to me, not an equal distribution of funds.

I will say, however, that my dad died several years and the money dried up to the point my mom is living on a limited fixed income now. I am mad because my brother isn't paying back a loan to her, which she now needs. So the family ethic of helping when help is needed didn't go both ways. I also think now, looking back, that so much help, so quickly, produced a very unhealthy sense of entitlement in my brother that has gone on to cause him a lot of problems. In your parents' place now, I might tell your sister i'd help, but I'd help toward that original $350,000 house goal.

In your shoes, I'd examine what your relationships are with your parents and sister that make you want an equal gift. Like I said before, I felt the "gift" to me was parents who'd help if necessary. I was just fortunate in life never to need that. I still had the "gift" of generous and caring parents. If that makes sense. But maybe there's something in your life history that makes you feel the unfairness is bigger than the $ amount. It's worth examining.

Wow, op. Just wow. If I was your mom I would never give you another dime--before or after I die,

My parents have always helped out my sister more than me. I have never known them to give anything so large and significant but I also think if they did no one would tell me. It is frustrating because I was always the one that was more responsible and my sister was not but seems to be rewarded.

I really try not to think about it or let it bother me because there is nothing that I can do but become resentful. I honestly don't want to know how much they pay for and try to avoid that information so it won't eat me up.

I think you should be annoyed because it is annoying but ultimately you will be much better off if you let this go. Ignorance is bliss in this case.

Yes, it's fair. Kids receive what they need. Whose college cost more? I jad very bad teeth as a kid. Required two sets of braces. Then I went away to an expensive undergrad for college. My brother had great teeth and went to community college for two years. My parents spent much more on me. It's what I needed. I make a lot more than my brother now. I wouldn't be upset if they gave him money for a house. He needs it more.

Fair is not always equal. My grandmother recently left her entire estate, one small home, to one of her three children because he needed it and the others didn't. Your HHI is $400, you can make your own down payment. You chose to have children, you can support them and the high end lifestyle you want to give them on your own.

Now, it sounds like your sister wants to live far beyond her means simply because she has a larger down payment, and that is not wise, but also not your decision to make.

On a side note, what is your parents' HHI? Do you think it is fair for you to ask them for money when you likely make more than they do?

Could go two ways:
1. Parents give equally to each child
2. Parents give each child what they believe each child needs.

Either was, their chioce, not yours.

Def unfair. She's rewarding someone for being less motivated. If your sis was desperate bc of a temp situation I'd get it since you are doing great. Otherwise this is favoritism.

OP, I feel for you, but it's mom's money so mom's decision.

My sis and I are on different paths. She coasted for a while after college, worked for years at a movie theater, lived at home for free or nearly free, etc. Substantial drug use. But she now has an office gig making around 50k. She is 30, engaged to a guy making around 70k, and they live together. They are trying to buy a home, and apparently she is getting a big assist with her down payment from mom. I think 50k. She has gone from shopping for homes around $350k to $500k.

I am mid 30s, a lawyer in biglaw. married to a lawyer working part time at a small firm. HHI around 400k. We are semi-frugal but have kids to support, high child care expenses, etc. We are doing well. But, we are looking to move to a top school district in 2017 and don't have enough cash for a down payment yet.

I asked mom if she was going to match her gift to my sis with one to me, and she said no. I know my financial picture is better than my sis's, but that's because I put myself through law school, work harder, have been more responsible. Anyway, I just don't think it's right for a parent to make such a big gift to just one child. She wouldn't get my sis nice Xmas gifts and me crappy gifts or no gifts. She wouldn't leave my sis 60% of her estate and me 40%.

So, is this fair or unfair? (For the record, I would never have asked for help, just wondered if I could expect something). Would you subsidize your own kids unevenly like this?