How about unconditional love and support? The same brand you expect and accept.

Leave him alone. By the time you see him again, he may have lost the extra weight. He sounds like a happy person who has figured out how to enjoy life despite typical social expectations like marriage & kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh. I can't believe you bought him a fitbit. He knows you think he's fat so no need to say anything else.

Not true, these types of devices are bought by everyone these days. Pretty common gift.

A Fitbit for a gym goer or person who exercises regularly is probably a thoughtful gift. A Fitbit for an overweight person who you THINK needs to exercise more is a judge-y statement.

Is your brother mentally incompetent? Is he psychotic? If not, then -- do you think he somehow doesn't know that he's overweight and what that implies? Do you think he doesn't know that he's eating seconds and thirds -- that he's doing it in a trance like state?

I truly don't understand what people mean when they say "say something." I think what you want to say is that I'm disgusted by you. You say you feel protective of him, but really, you want him to stop behavior you don't like and can't tolerate.

OP, he's an adult. He sounds smart. He knows he's overweight. He knows that fat = unhealthy. What would you "say" to him that would be some magical formula. You bought him a Fitbit. What do you want from him? Perfection?

If you truly felt protective of him, you would be feeling bad that he feels bad right now.

He sounds like he could be depressed and the food is a release.

Anonymous wrote:Ugh. I can't believe you bought him a fitbit. He knows you think he's fat so no need to say anything else.

Not true, these types of devices are bought by everyone these days. Pretty common gift.

Ugh. I can't believe you bought him a fitbit. He knows you think he's fat so no need to say anything else.

I am the fat sibling. I hate when my brother talks to me about being fat, or makes comments about eating healthy or whatever. It sounds like my reality is different from your brother's - I'm out of work, poor and no health insurance, on food stamps, etc. - but if my brother TRULY wanted to help here's how I'd want him to do it:

- approach me alone, not with his wife
- offer actual help not an "I'm concerned about you" speech. Offer to pay for a gym membership, help me find an endocrinologist who can help with my potential thyroid issues (it was suggest I have one), etc.

Maybe you can go visit by yourself for a weekend and talk with him then? He may have a medical issue that's causing his huge appetite.

You can't change people or control what they put in their mouths. People are sensitive about their weight so you can't say anything.

Nothing you can say will come across as anything other than offensive, so accept him unconditionally. The Fitbit was pushy enough. He knows what you think of him.

Further "help"/judgment will NOT help.

I don't think the holidays when there's people around and he may be saddened about not having parents around is the time.

I understand why you are concerned. I would want to broach it as well but I probably wouldn't, because I honestly can't think of any good or appropriate way to have this conversation.

Keep your yap shut. If he got hit by a bus and died tomorrow he'd die with a smile on his lips because he's been enjoying life, not counting calories or obsessing about what other people are doing. You live your calorie counting life and he'll live his foodie life. People experience the world in different ways. Some walk and jog through life, others read and others taste the smorgasbord life offers.

Nope. Someone else saying something about weight doesn't do any good. It can actually backfire.

We spent Christmas break with my brother in NYC. I see him a couple of times a year but we speak on the phone every week. He's a sweet guy, with a good job, a great apartment and lots of interesting travel. He's supersmart but has never - I really mean never - had any significant partner in his life, at least that I'm aware of. He's always been defensively private about his life, and there's lots I really don't know about him, even though he's just a couple of years older than me. I've long suspected he's on the spectrum, but it clearly hasn't stopped him living a full, and to some, enviable life. Our parents are dead and even though I'm "little sister" I feel very protective towards him. Lately he has put on a huge amount of weight. He's now in his early 50s and I worry about the effect this will have on him. Our dad died of heart attack at 62 - although he was a smoker rather than overweight. For his birthday this year I bought him a Fitbit and he loved it - the tech appeals to his geeky side - and I thought that he had toned up some when I saw him a couple of months later. But I was really shocked when I saw him again just last week - he has put all the weight back on, and then some. I was actually pretty disgusted at times at the amount of food he was consuming. I know that Christmas is usually a period of overindulgence, but his second and third helpings of food, snacks etc was really worrying.
He's an adult and living life the way he wants - but it really does worry me. Should it? Or is there some way I can nudge him into taking stock of where he is heading?