Anonymous
12/27/2015 21:22
Subject: Help!! Cant control my six year old
Apologize for hitting your child. Tell her she is not the only one who struggles with anger.
The Kazdin Method is very good, as is the Explosive Child (though they are also very different).
Good luck.
The Kazdin Method is very good, as is the Explosive Child (though they are also very different).
Good luck.
Anonymous
12/27/2015 21:16
Subject: Re:Help!! Cant control my six year old
If you don't believe in hitting, your child knows that and it probably created a lot of insecurity when you hit her. I don't believe in spanking, but don't judge those who spank. However, I don't think a child who is six and never spanked before should be spanked out of anger because that messes with their sense of security in the parent child relationship. I would talk to her to see how it's affected her. Also, is there any possibility that she's acting out because of some event that occurred in her life. If this is out of the norm in duration and magnitude, you should make sure no abuse or anything emotionally traumatic happened. I'm really not judging, just trying to give some thoughts.
Anonymous
12/27/2015 12:22
Subject: Help!! Cant control my six year old
Anonymous wrote:There has been a slew of these posts recently. Slight variations. The focus is usually on how OP can change her child's behavior. The OP almost never wants to entertain the thought of changing her own behavior in a way that creates an environment that will make behavioral issues less likely.
+1
The secret is that a child is not a puppet and cannot be "controlled". Parents can control how they react, what they pay attention to, and what type of attention they give for different types of behavior. That's it. Wen a kid is out of control parents need to change their reactions.
Anonymous
12/27/2015 11:33
Subject: Help!! Cant control my six year old
DCUM is in full moon mode right now. Extra snarky and extra sensitive.
Anonymous
12/27/2015 11:20
Subject: Help!! Cant control my six year old
NP, I have noticed too when my kids eat a low carb. low sugar diet they are very even tempered and don't fly off the handle.
The book: Cure your Child With Food was super helpful for my family.
I have also learned to sometimes just give my kids some space and not engage when they are acting like that.
Best wishes!
The book: Cure your Child With Food was super helpful for my family.
I have also learned to sometimes just give my kids some space and not engage when they are acting like that.
Best wishes!
Anonymous
12/27/2015 08:45
Subject: Help!! Cant control my six year old
There has been a slew of these posts recently. Slight variations. The focus is usually on how OP can change her child's behavior. The OP almost never wants to entertain the thought of changing her own behavior in a way that creates an environment that will make behavioral issues less likely.
Anonymous
12/27/2015 08:31
Subject: Re:Help!! Cant control my six year old
If you can see it coming, maybe intervene at an earlier point to help her avoid the total meltdown and teach her how to recognize and manage what she's feeling.
Anonymous
12/27/2015 06:42
Subject: Re:Help!! Cant control my six year old
She needs to be in her room at bedtime, end of discussion. If she comes out there is a conseqence. Stick with the consequence. Be consistant. Kids who have no idea whats going on are the ones who display the most anger.
Anonymous
12/27/2015 06:38
Subject: Help!! Cant control my six year old
I agree on the consistency, as well as earlier bedtime. She's likely tired and needs more sleep, even if she doesn't seem that way. Holidays are stressful.
Why was the punishment sleeping in the living room? Likely, that's where she wanted to be? And also, you can say "I can't make you fall asleep, but you do have to be in your room with no more than a reading light. You are finished for the day and now it's grownup time." If she comes out, walk her back in.
Why was the punishment sleeping in the living room? Likely, that's where she wanted to be? And also, you can say "I can't make you fall asleep, but you do have to be in your room with no more than a reading light. You are finished for the day and now it's grownup time." If she comes out, walk her back in.
Anonymous
12/27/2015 02:08
Subject: Help!! Cant control my six year old
Anonymous wrote:What usually sets her off? And why does she rage for 2 hours? Is it because you are trying different things to calm her down? That might be ramping it up more. Or do you sometimes just do nothing and she still rages for long periods of time afterward? I ask because there may be more going on if she rages for long periods of time for no apparent reason. But your engaging her "is" something that can keep the anger going.
I can't really address the long rages, but I can talk about what's helped me with my child who has anger management issues, too.
1) 1, 2, 3, Magic. The people who hate this always harp on why give a kid three chances to mess up? But that's not what it does. It actually starts a count-down that puts a child on notice to regulate their behavior. I like the count down because it helps me identify and manage my own anger/irritation/frustration with whatever my kid is doing. It's just like telling someone who's mad to count to 10 and take deep breaths.
2) The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child. This one uses positive reinforcement to help a child learn to regulate behavior in an appropriate way. He also explains why many reward systems fail and what to do about it.
3) My experience: Two things. I have anger issues of my own, and my kid really needs structure. I've learned to manage my anger better, and I explain it to my son when I'm doing it. My biggest weakness is when I'm late and traffic is bad. I'm all sorts of mad and say stuff in the car I shouldn't. Not modelling anger management well at all. I've changed a lot, and I've narrated my thought processes to him to show him how. And he has noticed.
Structure. Same bed time every night. Clear expectations of family rules. Same consequences for failure to meet those rules. And positive reinforcement when he "does" manage his anger and when he "does" go to bed without complaint, etc.
Teaching your child to be a problem solver. Some anger is because they have a problem they can't fix. Why did your daughter want to stay up? Playing something fun? Scared to be alone? Something else? Tell her the two of you are problem solvers. How can you work together to fix the bedtime fight? (Talk about this in the morning). What does "she" think would work? Maybe she just wants 15 minutes more. You could tell her fine, we'll move your bedtime to 9:15 instead, as a trial run, but if you start having trouble getting up in the morning, we'll have to move it back to 9pm, OK? That gives her some feeling of empowerment, and that goes a long way in minimizing anger in kids.
Yes, I think it becomes a bigger problem when I try different things. I need to be better at setting and keeping rules/consequences. Thank you for your advice.
Anonymous
12/27/2015 01:59
Subject: Help!! Cant control my six year old
What usually sets her off? And why does she rage for 2 hours? Is it because you are trying different things to calm her down? That might be ramping it up more. Or do you sometimes just do nothing and she still rages for long periods of time afterward? I ask because there may be more going on if she rages for long periods of time for no apparent reason. But your engaging her "is" something that can keep the anger going.
I can't really address the long rages, but I can talk about what's helped me with my child who has anger management issues, too.
1) 1, 2, 3, Magic. The people who hate this always harp on why give a kid three chances to mess up? But that's not what it does. It actually starts a count-down that puts a child on notice to regulate their behavior. I like the count down because it helps me identify and manage my own anger/irritation/frustration with whatever my kid is doing. It's just like telling someone who's mad to count to 10 and take deep breaths.
2) The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child. This one uses positive reinforcement to help a child learn to regulate behavior in an appropriate way. He also explains why many reward systems fail and what to do about it.
3) My experience: Two things. I have anger issues of my own, and my kid really needs structure. I've learned to manage my anger better, and I explain it to my son when I'm doing it. My biggest weakness is when I'm late and traffic is bad. I'm all sorts of mad and say stuff in the car I shouldn't. Not modelling anger management well at all. I've changed a lot, and I've narrated my thought processes to him to show him how. And he has noticed.
Structure. Same bed time every night. Clear expectations of family rules. Same consequences for failure to meet those rules. And positive reinforcement when he "does" manage his anger and when he "does" go to bed without complaint, etc.
Teaching your child to be a problem solver. Some anger is because they have a problem they can't fix. Why did your daughter want to stay up? Playing something fun? Scared to be alone? Something else? Tell her the two of you are problem solvers. How can you work together to fix the bedtime fight? (Talk about this in the morning). What does "she" think would work? Maybe she just wants 15 minutes more. You could tell her fine, we'll move your bedtime to 9:15 instead, as a trial run, but if you start having trouble getting up in the morning, we'll have to move it back to 9pm, OK? That gives her some feeling of empowerment, and that goes a long way in minimizing anger in kids.
I can't really address the long rages, but I can talk about what's helped me with my child who has anger management issues, too.
1) 1, 2, 3, Magic. The people who hate this always harp on why give a kid three chances to mess up? But that's not what it does. It actually starts a count-down that puts a child on notice to regulate their behavior. I like the count down because it helps me identify and manage my own anger/irritation/frustration with whatever my kid is doing. It's just like telling someone who's mad to count to 10 and take deep breaths.
2) The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child. This one uses positive reinforcement to help a child learn to regulate behavior in an appropriate way. He also explains why many reward systems fail and what to do about it.
3) My experience: Two things. I have anger issues of my own, and my kid really needs structure. I've learned to manage my anger better, and I explain it to my son when I'm doing it. My biggest weakness is when I'm late and traffic is bad. I'm all sorts of mad and say stuff in the car I shouldn't. Not modelling anger management well at all. I've changed a lot, and I've narrated my thought processes to him to show him how. And he has noticed.
Structure. Same bed time every night. Clear expectations of family rules. Same consequences for failure to meet those rules. And positive reinforcement when he "does" manage his anger and when he "does" go to bed without complaint, etc.
Teaching your child to be a problem solver. Some anger is because they have a problem they can't fix. Why did your daughter want to stay up? Playing something fun? Scared to be alone? Something else? Tell her the two of you are problem solvers. How can you work together to fix the bedtime fight? (Talk about this in the morning). What does "she" think would work? Maybe she just wants 15 minutes more. You could tell her fine, we'll move your bedtime to 9:15 instead, as a trial run, but if you start having trouble getting up in the morning, we'll have to move it back to 9pm, OK? That gives her some feeling of empowerment, and that goes a long way in minimizing anger in kids.
Anonymous
12/27/2015 01:33
Subject: Help!! Cant control my six year old
I need advice. I dont know what to do with my six year old girl. Shes very well behaved on most days but when she gets angry she gets angry. she gets angry to the point she does not stop screaming yelling amd crying no matter if i hug her tell her to calm down time out no tv you name it. Today she did not want to go to sleep so i told her you calm down go to sleep or ull sleep in the living room. Well that started a tantrum that lasted two hours. I even took her a shower to see if that would calm her down. In the process she kept saying no!! And when i would grab her she would pull away. I am againt hitting put i spanked her and still that didnt work. What do i do???