Anonymous wrote:I find their politics and visions for the future atrocious. I think they are making poor choices regarding child rearing and frankly find their kids spoiled and bratty. I really just don't enjoy them as people. I can't be the only one in such a scenario. Do you just suck it up and deal during visits? Or do you not bother to visit?

Drink, OP. And learn to be deaf. Lest you tell your ILs off in front of everyone - which really would not be a bad thing, IMO. During Christmas, my MIL spoke ill about people who are long dying or dead - she really has a nerve. It tells me that she doesn't have the balls to say what she says in front of people's faces. It also occurred to me that she does not like many people, including herself. Instead of telling her what a parasite she is, I just ignore her, and sit next to anyone else. It works, for the most part. MIL is toxic, always was toxic, and always will be. I can't make her be a happy person, who is not bitter - it is just not going to happen.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find their politics and visions for the future atrocious. I think they are making poor choices regarding child rearing and frankly find their kids spoiled and bratty. I really just don't enjoy them as people. I can't be the only one in such a scenario. Do you just suck it up and deal during visits? Or do you not bother to visit?

Did you not marry one of these children who was so horribly reared? Did you not marry one of these spoiled and bratty kids?

I'm not OP, but in OP's defense, it could be that OP's spouse is really different. My husband is the youngest of three and he is completely different from his siblings. The two oldest are needy, jealous, egocentric, spoiled people. My husband, perhaps because he is the youngest, had no opportunity to develop these traits because the other two siblings are so overwhelming.

NP here. My spouse is also very different from the rest of his family. I'm very different from my parents.

I also have a difficult time going to holiday events. I disagree with my parents a lot, but I feel free to speak my mind. I'm not afraid to argue with them. With my inlaws, it is different. As a courtesy to my husband, I don't want to cause bad blood between him and his family. So I avoid most topics. I don't misrepresent my views, and I don't lie. I just walk away if I sense the conversation turning to sticky subjects. I go to the bathroom or I get water.

I've come to accept the reality that these inlaw events are unpleasant, and the goal is to just get through them. I'm sure my inlaws think I'm unfriendly or introverted. That's fine. My goal isn't to be fake friends with them or even to make them like me. My goal is to not cause a rift between my husband and his family. We don't all have to like each other, but I don't want to argue at what is essentially a 2-3 hour meal that I only do on holidays (xmas, thanksgiving, easter). I figure 9 hours a year I just have to maintain small talk, avoid topics, eat food I don't like. I can do that.

My husband isn't particularly enamored of his relatives. He isn't really close. He just doesn't want to be cut off from them. So we basically go into maintenance mode around all of the holidays. We show up, bring a dish, wish people well, do our best to avoid deep conversations, and then leave without ruffling feathers.

Then we vent in the car ride home

It's actually the same with my parents. My siblings are great. They're laid back, easy going. So no problem there.

We don't have much contact with my extended family. With them, it isn't an issue of different viewpoints. They have actively caused problems between my parents and with my parents and my siblings. So there is no such thing as maintenance relationships with them. They are toxic.

And that's really what it comes down to: Are the inlaws toxic or just unsavory? If they are toxic, then I'd stop attending. Let your spouse go and just back out. If they are just unsavory, have a conversation with your spouse, come to an agreement about what is a reasonable amount of interaction you can tolerate with them to at least keep up a connection.

At the end of the day, I do think that family matters -- even when you don't particularly like the family. So it is worth it to at least not lose touch completely. Unless, as stated above, the family member is toxic and can actually damage your marriage or your other familial relationships. Then the only answer is to just distance yourself from them.

Just my humble opinion.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find their politics and visions for the future atrocious. I think they are making poor choices regarding child rearing and frankly find their kids spoiled and bratty. I really just don't enjoy them as people. I can't be the only one in such a scenario. Do you just suck it up and deal during visits? Or do you not bother to visit?

Did you not marry one of these children who was so horribly reared? Did you not marry one of these spoiled and bratty kids?

I'm not OP, but in OP's defense, it could be that OP's spouse is really different. My husband is the youngest of three and he is completely different from his siblings. The two oldest are needy, jealous, egocentric, spoiled people. My husband, perhaps because he is the youngest, had no opportunity to develop these traits because the other two siblings are so overwhelming.

Anonymous wrote:I find their politics and visions for the future atrocious. I think they are making poor choices regarding child rearing and frankly find their kids spoiled and bratty. I really just don't enjoy them as people. I can't be the only one in such a scenario. Do you just suck it up and deal during visits? Or do you not bother to visit?

Did you not marry one of these children who was so horribly reared? Did you not marry one of these spoiled and bratty kids?

I suck it up for some years, but I couldn't continue tolerating their behavior. Now, I just don't go. I'm happy to host my MIL, though. She's a lovely lady, but BIL, SIL and their respective spouses are pretty much out of my life. Husband is completely fine with this arrangement.

Anonymous wrote:Exactly what kind of child rearing are they doing? Aren't their children adults?

Maybe BIL/SIL?
I have some that have bratty personalities and no control over the disgusting junk food they eat. Not a vegetable in sight. Suck it up, keep it OH SO MINIMAL, and try to find something endearing about them.

Exactly what kind of child rearing are they doing? Aren't their children adults?

Not the OP but if I was honest we would all fall out. DD would never see her Grandparents and they would all lose out.
I bit my tongue tonight and was almost in tears over something that happened and was said. It got better by the end of the evening and I know my wife appreciates the fact I didnt speak up or cause waves.

Anonymous wrote:I find their politics and visions for the future atrocious. I think they are making poor choices regarding child rearing and frankly find their kids spoiled and bratty. I really just don't enjoy them as people. I can't be the only one in such a scenario. Do you just suck it up and deal during visits? Or do you not bother to visit?

I believe in honesty. Tell them what you wrote here. Don't be a back talking coward.

Suck it up now, vent later. You can also choose to not go or just go for a shorter time.

I deal with it and do what I'm doing now. Vent. Before my head explodes.

I find their politics and visions for the future atrocious. I think they are making poor choices regarding child rearing and frankly find their kids spoiled and bratty. I really just don't enjoy them as people. I can't be the only one in such a scenario. Do you just suck it up and deal during visits? Or do you not bother to visit?