Every Christmas my hubby reverts to his game playing self. I know it will go away so I mostly blow it off and just get him to do things when it is important.

My husband is a complete jerk when his mother is around. She infantilizes him, so it's a combination of annoyance he feels he can't express directly back at her because she's always been the victim so he can't imagine her as being the aggressor + a role he actually embraces as it's less work, so I'm left still doing my share of the normal work + the added work of hosting + dealing with his pissy attitude. And, he hopes to one day have his mother move in with us. I actually like my MIL as a person just fine - when we got out just the two of us, we get along well, but it's what she turns my husband into that I detest. He's useless and a bigger baby than the kids when she's here.

I swear every time they visit, I seriously think of divorce. It takes weeks to get back to normal.

What kind of system does he have? Wish I could play video games all day.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH has been pissing me off all week. First, he said he was going to buy his mom a present and didn't because his mom never told him the model type she wanted. He leaves me scrambling to get her something last minute so she at least has something under the tree. He usually helps clean up but leaves it all to his mom and makes it awkward for me. Then he watches football/ESPN all day yesterday and now is playing video games while ignoring his mom, me and the kids.

It's like he transformed back into his college self. I am sure this is what he did with his family when he was a kid. We have our own family now. I want to scream at him but I can't because his mom is here.

You know that in future years you will have to clearly outline what is going to happen so you don't have a repeat. Remember your I statements: When you __________ I feel neglected/ignored, etc. Then state what you need him to do instead. Of course his argument is that he is relaxing, it's his downtime, etc. However tell him how important family time is to you during the holidays and how much you would love it if he was an active participant. If you don't nip it now it will only get worse. Don't be a nag just state you case, give your expectations, and move forward.

I statements are so ineffective. It's much better to say "Stop being so lazy and checked out, you worthless piece of shit" instead of "I feel hurt when you play video games all day." The first is honest and direct. The second is manipulative and passive aggressive.

Agree.

Does he have his phone on him? Send him a text along the lines of "Get off the video games and come socialize with your mom. You are being rude. She is here to spend time with you"

This is what I do with my 13 year old boy when he is being a stinker and I want to yell at him or call him out in a subtle way but can't because of whatever social situation we are in.. The direct way works better on guys than subtle hints.

So passive-aggressive. Face to face communication doesn't work so I will send you a nasty text which is sure to spark a fight. SMH

At least your DH is mentally college aged. Mine is more like a toddler or teenager.

Anonymous wrote:It's not your responsibility to get something for his mother. It's his. If you need him to do something, tell him. It's what I do and my DH prefers it to me getting pissed, holding it in and then blasting him later.

This is good advice. And if he wants to play video games that's his choice. He's an adult. My husband has played video games today too, but it's his choice if he wants to do that. He spent the morning with us, had coffee with me this afternoon, and ate dinner with us. I'm glad he has today off to do whatever he wants to do.

Mine reverts whenever his parents are around-- whether at our home or theirs, so I feel you.

It's not your responsibility to get something for his mother. It's his. If you need him to do something, tell him. It's what I do and my DH prefers it to me getting pissed, holding it in and then blasting him later.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH has been pissing me off all week. First, he said he was going to buy his mom a present and didn't because his mom never told him the model type she wanted. He leaves me scrambling to get her something last minute so she at least has something under the tree. He usually helps clean up but leaves it all to his mom and makes it awkward for me. Then he watches football/ESPN all day yesterday and now is playing video games while ignoring his mom, me and the kids.

It's like he transformed back into his college self. I am sure this is what he did with his family when he was a kid. We have our own family now. I want to scream at him but I can't because his mom is here.

You know that in future years you will have to clearly outline what is going to happen so you don't have a repeat. Remember your I statements: When you __________ I feel neglected/ignored, etc. Then state what you need him to do instead. Of course his argument is that he is relaxing, it's his downtime, etc. However tell him how important family time is to you during the holidays and how much you would love it if he was an active participant. If you don't nip it now it will only get worse. Don't be a nag just state you case, give your expectations, and move forward.

I statements are so ineffective. It's much better to say "Stop being so lazy and checked out, you worthless piece of shit" instead of "I feel hurt when you play video games all day." The first is honest and direct. The second is manipulative and passive aggressive.

Agree.

Does he have his phone on him? Send him a text along the lines of "Get off the video games and come socialize with your mom. You are being rude. She is here to spend time with you"

This is what I do with my 13 year old boy when he is being a stinker and I want to yell at him or call him out in a subtle way but can't because of whatever social situation we are in.. The direct way works better on guys than subtle hints.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH has been pissing me off all week. First, he said he was going to buy his mom a present and didn't because his mom never told him the model type she wanted. He leaves me scrambling to get her something last minute so she at least has something under the tree. He usually helps clean up but leaves it all to his mom and makes it awkward for me. Then he watches football/ESPN all day yesterday and now is playing video games while ignoring his mom, me and the kids.

It's like he transformed back into his college self. I am sure this is what he did with his family when he was a kid. We have our own family now. I want to scream at him but I can't because his mom is here.

You know that in future years you will have to clearly outline what is going to happen so you don't have a repeat. Remember your I statements: When you __________ I feel neglected/ignored, etc. Then state what you need him to do instead. Of course his argument is that he is relaxing, it's his downtime, etc. However tell him how important family time is to you during the holidays and how much you would love it if he was an active participant. If you don't nip it now it will only get worse. Don't be a nag just state you case, give your expectations, and move forward.

I statements are so ineffective. It's much better to say "Stop being so lazy and checked out, you worthless piece of shit" instead of "I feel hurt when you play video games all day." The first is honest and direct. The second is manipulative and passive aggressive.

Anonymous wrote:DH has been pissing me off all week. First, he said he was going to buy his mom a present and didn't because his mom never told him the model type she wanted. He leaves me scrambling to get her something last minute so she at least has something under the tree. He usually helps clean up but leaves it all to his mom and makes it awkward for me. Then he watches football/ESPN all day yesterday and now is playing video games while ignoring his mom, me and the kids.

It's like he transformed back into his college self. I am sure this is what he did with his family when he was a kid. We have our own family now. I want to scream at him but I can't because his mom is here.

You know that in future years you will have to clearly outline what is going to happen so you don't have a repeat. Remember your I statements: When you __________ I feel neglected/ignored, etc. Then state what you need him to do instead. Of course his argument is that he is relaxing, it's his downtime, etc. However tell him how important family time is to you during the holidays and how much you would love it if he was an active participant. If you don't nip it now it will only get worse. Don't be a nag just state you case, give your expectations, and move forward.

Are you at your in laws/his childhood home
This happens. People fall back into old roles and habits.

Suggest you ask him to take a walk with you and ask him to please help with dishes or play games with kids from X to y am/pm. Maybe you shouldn't have to but better than stewing all day.

Also know that your ILs probably aren't judging you by his behavior. And if they did - who cares. Rise above.

Anonymous wrote:What do you want him to do? Please don't say something vague like "be part of the famiy". Clearly enumerate what you specifically want him to do.

+1. Invite him to join you in a specific activity instead of implying he's obligated to sit around doing nothing WITH you if that's what is being done.

What do you want him to do? Please don't say something vague like "be part of the famiy". Clearly enumerate what you specifically want him to do.

DH has been pissing me off all week. First, he said he was going to buy his mom a present and didn't because his mom never told him the model type she wanted. He leaves me scrambling to get her something last minute so she at least has something under the tree. He usually helps clean up but leaves it all to his mom and makes it awkward for me. Then he watches football/ESPN all day yesterday and now is playing video games while ignoring his mom, me and the kids.

It's like he transformed back into his college self. I am sure this is what he did with his family when he was a kid. We have our own family now. I want to scream at him but I can't because his mom is here.