Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take a deep breath and let it go. Stop fixating on your mother. I couldn't tell you what my mother or mil talk to my kids about because I don't hover and dissect everything that is being said. Accept that your mother isn't the best, but treat her with respect nonetheless. Remember: your children are watching you.

You sound as helpful as OP's mother. No need to dissect my sentence...I'm saying you're a bi*ch

I'm not a bitch. I actually work with vulnerable populations, and I've learned that it's always best to accept people for who they are if you want a relationship with them. There are lots of mildly mentally ill people among us--and many more functional alcoholics. So many people were raised by parents who were abusive or incapable of showing love. You can't fix broken people. You can't make them treat you a certain way. If you want a relationship with them, then you have to accept them for who they are--flaws and all--and just let it go.

Happy people don't judge others and they don't hold grudges. They live and let live, and they exude love and positivity.

There was a great npr segment last week on a woman who hugged the person who killed her son. She said she had to forgive him in order to let go of the anger. Letting go of your anger is a gift you give yourself.

Or I suppose you can continue to stew and analyze and foster ill will.

I'd opt for breaking the cycle now.

Bull to this, PP. I have two members of my family who are horrible to be around and delight in making everyone else miserable. I called a halt to both of them and do not miss them at all.

OP here (can't sleep because of toothache).

Just to clarify, my mother has deep-seated psychological issues. She said: "You're fat and can't have dessert" and she said nastily "Well, why aren't playing like this?" to my daughter... but these comments are expected because they are known obsessions with her, and are nothing compared to other things she did during my own childhood, which took me a long time to overcome: the worst is probably physically isolating me from other people, particularly other children, when I was little and doing her best to do so when I was a teenager (stemming from her anxiety, abandonment issues and weird jealousy). I finally ran away from home.

The decision to invite her with my father was not taken lightly!
Yet since my mother is powerless to isolate DD and her barbs have less impact because we all tell DD that what Grandma says is not true, the joy my father and daughter have when they spend time together outweighs her verbal abuse.

PP

My parents were like this.

My dad was a prince. My mom was tolerated.

When he died, she really wondered why people he was associated with (fire house, a men's club, etc.) didn't invite her to go the events she went to with him as an date, like dinners where volunteers were honored.

"But, you don't volunteer."

"What do you mean? I just want to go to the dinners."

yeah....

Glad your dad is well and your joy outweighs your frustration.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are hearing the op's version. There are always three versions. And the OP clearly has energy when it comes to her mother.

If her mother actually called her daughter fat to her face, then the OP should have said something to address it right then and there (obviously). But it's possible she actually said something like, "I think you've had enough dessert---let's go play with the blocks now." I know people who hate their moms/MiLs/SILs/etc and they tend to *hear* things that were never actually said...because they assign malicious intent to every.single.statement.

Defending someone who is clearly verbally abusive? Wow.

Ten bucks says she actually said, "If you keep practicing, maybe someday you'll be as great as the musicians in the symphony!"

So you didn't have a bitchy, dysfunctional mother. Lucky you. Please accept at face value not everyone has so much luck. If you've ever worked a job that requires you to deal with the public, (or hell, even picked up a newspaper, even once,) you should know there are some seriously nasty people out there.

Good for you!!

http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692

From the Mayo Clinic.

OP, your dear dad sounds wonderful! It's so nice that your DD and her grandpa have bonded so nicely.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are hearing the op's version. There are always three versions. And the OP clearly has energy when it comes to her mother.

If her mother actually called her daughter fat to her face, then the OP should have said something to address it right then and there (obviously). But it's possible she actually said something like, "I think you've had enough dessert---let's go play with the blocks now." I know people who hate their moms/MiLs/SILs/etc and they tend to *hear* things that were never actually said...because they assign malicious intent to every.single.statement.

Defending someone who is clearly verbally abusive? Wow.

Ten bucks says she actually said, "If you keep practicing, maybe someday you'll be as great as the musicians in the symphony!"

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take a deep breath and let it go. Stop fixating on your mother. I couldn't tell you what my mother or mil talk to my kids about because I don't hover and dissect everything that is being said. Accept that your mother isn't the best, but treat her with respect nonetheless. Remember: your children are watching you.

You sound as helpful as OP's mother. No need to dissect my sentence...I'm saying you're a bi*ch

I'm not a bitch. I actually work with vulnerable populations, and I've learned that it's always best to accept people for who they are if you want a relationship with them. There are lots of mildly mentally ill people among us--and many more functional alcoholics. So many people were raised by parents who were abusive or incapable of showing love. You can't fix broken people. You can't make them treat you a certain way. If you want a relationship with them, then you have to accept them for who they are--flaws and all--and just let it go.

Happy people don't judge others and they don't hold grudges. They live and let live, and they exude love and positivity.

There was a great npr segment last week on a woman who hugged the person who killed her son. She said she had to forgive him in order to let go of the anger. Letting go of your anger is a gift you give yourself.

Or I suppose you can continue to stew and analyze and foster ill will.

I'd opt for breaking the cycle now.

Anonymous wrote:We are hearing the op's version. There are always three versions. And the OP clearly has energy when it comes to her mother.

If her mother actually called her daughter fat to her face, then the OP should have said something to address it right then and there (obviously). But it's possible she actually said something like, "I think you've had enough dessert---let's go play with the blocks now." I know people who hate their moms/MiLs/SILs/etc and they tend to *hear* things that were never actually said...because they assign malicious intent to every.single.statement.

Defending someone who is clearly verbally abusive? Wow.

We are hearing the op's version. There are always three versions. And the OP clearly has energy when it comes to her mother.

If her mother actually called her daughter fat to her face, then the OP should have said something to address it right then and there (obviously). But it's possible she actually said something like, "I think you've had enough dessert---let's go play with the blocks now." I know people who hate their moms/MiLs/SILs/etc and they tend to *hear* things that were never actually said...because they assign malicious intent to every.single.statement.

Anonymous wrote:Take a deep breath and let it go. Stop fixating on your mother. I couldn't tell you what my mother or mil talk to my kids about because I don't hover and dissect everything that is being said. Accept that your mother isn't the best, but treat her with respect nonetheless. Remember: your children are watching you.

You sound as helpful as OP's mother. No need to dissect my sentence...I'm saying you're a bi*ch

Anonymous wrote:Take a deep breath and let it go. Stop fixating on your mother. I couldn't tell you what my mother or mil talk to my kids about because I don't hover and dissect everything that is being said. Accept that your mother isn't the best, but treat her with respect nonetheless. Remember: your children are watching you.

NP. Are you serious? What is there to "dissect" about an adult woman calling her 5-yo granddaughter FAT? You sound like a real gem of a protector of your children...

Take a deep breath and let it go. Stop fixating on your mother. I couldn't tell you what my mother or mil talk to my kids about because I don't hover and dissect everything that is being said. Accept that your mother isn't the best, but treat her with respect nonetheless. Remember: your children are watching you.

... because that would have meant my father couldn't have bonded with 5 year old DD. He never goes anywhere without my mother.

So this Christmas, I invited them both. My father is so good with small children: he cooks and cleans up, can persuade any kid to eat his vegetables, plays with them on the floor, can do bath, teeth, story (with a heavy accent but never mind) etc. AND comb a bouncy kid's long tangled hair. He invents silly stories and makes DD laugh all day. She has been snuggling up to him these past two days, and has declared he's so much fun (yet he served her kale and ginger noodle soup, which I can't do).

It's so worth it. My mother has done pretty horrible stuff in the past, but right now she's restrained herself to telling DD she was fat and couldn't eat dessert (not true), chiding her that she should be playing like the musician on classical WETA (DD has just started playing her instrument), and generally contradicting herself every 5 seconds, denying it and playing the victim, as per usual.

But it's worth it, because DD doesn't pay any attention to her and is just enjoying her Grandpa. Grandpa is very happy too.

Fingers crossed that it remains this way until the end of their stay!