Honestly I think you should go to church with your parents on Christmas Eve. It's the kind thing to do, will make them so happy and sets a good example for your kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you're all local? If your brother hosts a big party on the 24th, why can't you invite your mom over or you mom hosts a dinner on the 25th? That's what my extended family does.

Go to whatever church you want to go to.

OP here. Brother hosts a big party of he 25th, and my parents are invited to that. We all (brother, his family, myself and my kids) will be gathering at my parents to exchange gifts earlier in the week. The one night not 'covered' is Christmas Eve.

What about your ILs?

Also: You have two gatherings in one week. That's plenty. Your mom is unreasonable.

Why can't your mom come over on Christmas morning as your kids open presents?

You do not owe it to your mom to go. It is *not* your job to make up for your brother.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's reasonable to tell her that you already have plans to go to X church and that they are welcome to join you.

OP here. I've tried that in the past. Doesn't work. Both parents are extremely active in their church and can't conceive of being in town but not attending services there.

Well, can you conceive going to a religious service that you're not comfortable with and dragging your kids, who have no say in this, along? I don't think it's the right thing to do.

That's an important community for them, and Christmas Eve is the peak event of the year. Go for them. You can carve out time for your nuclear family at another time.

You can not replace your brother. You are not a substitute for him. It's on your mom and SIL and brother to deal with their relationship. Stop trying to fix that. They're adults.

You need to make a decision about church. either your decision is that once a year you can suck up your dislike for two hours and just go to her church and make her happy. Or you can say on christmas you want to be happy, and going to church DOESN'T make you happy, so you won't be going. Either way, you should tell your mother now. Either decision is totally fine.

Anonymous wrote:I think it's reasonable to tell her that you already have plans to go to X church and that they are welcome to join you.

OP here. I've tried that in the past. Doesn't work. Both parents are extremely active in their church and can't conceive of being in town but not attending services there.

Anonymous wrote:So you're all local? If your brother hosts a big party on the 24th, why can't you invite your mom over or you mom hosts a dinner on the 25th? That's what my extended family does.

Go to whatever church you want to go to.

OP here. Brother hosts a big party of he 25th, and my parents are invited to that. We all (brother, his family, myself and my kids) will be gathering at my parents to exchange gifts earlier in the week. The one night not 'covered' is Christmas Eve.

It's one night. Don't make your kids go, but you really should go. Do it to be extra kind to your parents during the holidays. It will mean a lot to them. What you "gain" from not going will not be worth what they will "lose."

So you're all local? If your brother hosts a big party on the 24th, why can't you invite your mom over or you mom hosts a dinner on the 25th? That's what my extended family does.

Go to whatever church you want to go to.

Anonymous wrote:I think it's reasonable to tell her that you already have plans to go to X church and that they are welcome to join you.

+1

I think it's reasonable to tell her that you already have plans to go to X church and that they are welcome to join you.

I would go with your mom to her church, I'm sure the other church is nicer but if your not a member there suck it up and go with your mom.

I went for years to my Granny's southern baptist church on Christmas Eve. I did not enjoy the service but I went because I knew it was important to her. Your mom probably feels pressure to have her family there with her and also enjoys showing y'all off to her friends.

So I vote suck it up and go with her.

I am trying to figure out how to portion my time over Christmas and would really appreciate honest opinions. The situation: All of my family is local. My mom is a very caring and warm person but can be a little difficult at times. She and SIL got off to a rocky start (20+ years ago) and never recovered a relationship. My brother hates conflict, so his solution is to see my parents rarely, even though they live 10 minutes away. I often try to fill the gaps of "family time" with my presence and my kids' (I am divorced). Parents are mid-70s; elderly, I guess, but very healthy and completely with-it mentally.

My brother has indicated that he won't be available Christmas Eve to spend time with my parents. He has invited all of us, along with a fairly large number of others, to his house for Christmas dinner. I've been to these large gatherings at his place before. They serve food buffet style and folks spread out around the house balancing plates wherever they can. Because of this big gathering on the 25th, we are all gathering for a light meal and present exchange during the week (not Christmas Eve).

All of this is very frustrating to my mom, who wants some more meaningful 'family time' on the 24th or 25th. I think it bothers her that we are all local but she doesn't see us all together on the major holidays. (Kids and I spent Thanksgiving with my parents; brother and his family did not.)

There's a reason my dad is not present in any of this narrative, by the way. He is like my brother and just hates conflict. I think he is happy with whatever unfolds, so long as he doesn't have to deal with a lot of my mom's disappointment.

So here's my dilemma. The other day, my mother said to me, "Well, I hope you and the kids will be coming to church with us Christmas Eve." Like, my brother can't do it, so at least we can. We (kids and I) don't have a religious affiliation while my parents are extremely active in a church, so it kind of makes sense. But, kids and I just.don't.wan't.to. We've been to their church many times and just don't really like it. There's a church very near our house that offers a lovely Christmas Eve service. We've been there a few years running and really like it and want to return.

Do I owe it to my mom to go to their church Christmas Eve? I am torn between not wanting to disappoint her and wanting to carve out some nuclear family time.