I have a gifted child who's naturally rebellious: about homework, bedtime, language, everything. Here's what I do:
* set ground rules and stick to them
* give the child about an hour to unwind after getting home from activities
* good, healthy, well balanced dinner
* turn everything off, including DCUM! Read paper materials during quiet home work time
* take away all distractions, including unplug and remove from the room if necessary
* work a subject or two, then take a walk/talk to discuss class, friends, issues, stress
* go back to work on a subject or two and repeat the walk until done
* no electronics for grownups, either! It creates noise and light pollution to distract the child
* help when needed
* check work/look over shoulder for style and substance, organization and flow
* do all of this every time as needed until the child can do it alone
* proceed in love, patience and understanding, remembering how hard school and childhood is
* consult teachers and school staff for extraordinary difficulties
* keep working at it with love and empathy
* have fun afterward, including reading, electronics, bath and plenty of nighttime rest, relaxation and sleep
* always keep your sense of humor

Good luck!

There is some good advice here, OP take it. My brother was like this and my parents floundered around with what to do. He is now a 26 yr old Starbucks barista. Proceed with caution.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not talking about can't do his homework. He simply won't. He is so rigid that he can not stomach the thought of doing anything he does not want to do. What do you do when his IQ, tested twice, is 140, but he is failing four subjects??

Doing things because you HAVE to do them is an important skill for life as a mature functioning adult. Does your DS have a diagnosis? I would put him into a program like Unstuck and On Target at Ivymount.

I would not talk or emphasize his IQ but talk more about the value of hard work. It does not matter what someone's IQ is if they won't do the work. Seriously, how old is your DS?

Actually IQ is an important factor. I would not talk to the child about his IQ but in asking a question fro help IQ is important. If your IQ is 140 that is quite high and actually can be debilitating. There is a law of diminishing return for IQs. I can't remember the exact number but I think over 140 is past the sweet spot. So he is right on the boarder.

If his IQ was 128, I would suggest one thing, but 145, something different.

I am not suggesting anything yet except some compassion and understanding that there is something going on, it needs to be addressed, and that the OP probably needs help addressing it from a professional, not an internet forum.

Is there a social factor, physiological factor, learning disability. I would not just assume a kid is being a brat if he is not doing his homework. There are simple solutions. For example, some kids do their homework and never turn it in.... email or a dropbox is tool that has solved that problem for many kids, finish... email.

Sometimes these kids feel like the whole world is against them: teachers, administrators, their own bodies, etc... the last thing they need is to have the parents against them also. It leads to stuff like cutting, drug use, depression... we are not just talking about a kid that is being a brat, kids don't want F's.

What happens at school if he doesn't do his homework?

I try to make homework an issue between DC and school and I stay as far out of it as possible. No screen time until homework is done, but other than that, it's DC's obligation to do homework and school's obligation to deal with it if he doesn't.

But my kid is in elementary school -- I would likely feel differently if my child was older.

And for the person who was excused from doing multiple drafts because it was hard and her first draft was good -- I totally disagree with that approach. Learning how to revise your work is a crucial skill regardless of how good your first draft is. Instead, you work around what makes revisions hard. If it's the act of re-writing, you use a human scribe or technology (probably only a scribe was feasible when we were kids). You write the draft skipping lines and write in your revisions and are excused from a clean copy. If it's the flexibility about thinking about alternative ways to do something, that is absolutely a skill that needs to be taught -- scaffolded as necessary, but not just ignored.

Anonymous wrote:I'm not talking about can't do his homework. He simply won't. He is so rigid that he can not stomach the thought of doing anything he does not want to do. What do you do when his IQ, tested twice, is 140, but he is failing four subjects??

Doing things because you HAVE to do them is an important skill for life as a mature functioning adult. Does your DS have a diagnosis? I would put him into a program like Unstuck and On Target at Ivymount.

I would not talk or emphasize his IQ but talk more about the value of hard work. It does not matter what someone's IQ is if they won't do the work. Seriously, how old is your DS?

Outside tutor for homework...that's my plan when the time comes. IQ is important in that the concepts are not too difficult...but responsibly doing homework every night is a different skill set.
My son also has a high IQ and homework can still be quite a battle.

i assume you did a full neurophych evaluation since you know his IQ... we don't actually try to know the IQ it is part of a doctor's report. I get it when I see my kids IQ and then see how he performs it is clear that HE IS FRUSTRATED. He knows he is smarter but does not know how to tap the knowledge.

I am assuming you have an IEP since this is in the SN forum.

Does he have rigidity issues? Mine do, OCPT (Obsessive Compulsive Personality Type)

I have a set time for homework and a tutor so the fight does not destroy our relationship.

The set time is funny, at first it was a struggle but with his OC part of his PT, 2 years later if something interrupts his homework time he freaks out.

I would look into CBT, to work on lowering the frustration threshold and tools to manage that feeling. Imagine trying to do everything on your worst PMS day or after you have big fight with your spouse... your brain just does not work, it is irrational.

You need to approach this with compassion, I know this is hard for you but you need to do 20 minutes. Instead of if you don't do 20 minutes I am taking the phone away.

Also ... what grade, are we talking 5th grade, 8th, 12th?

(Looks like some General Parenting folk stumbled on the SN forum for Recent Topics, just ignore those posts or report them, it's like asking a doctor to be your lawyer, it's not that they are as ignorant as they sound... it's not the area of expertise, they probably don't even know this is a SN post... .)

Anonymous wrote:First things first, drop the IQ talk. Your kid has issues, and IQ is irrelevant from here on out, because it's not the limiting factor. Also, at that age, IQ tests are famously unreliable, and speak more to home environment than inate ability. Either way, it doesn't matter. You have a discipline issue on your hands. Good luck.

Wow, you're a real charmer! And you have no idea what you're talking about.

OP this is not about discipline, please don't listen to ^^^^^ this person. This same person probably also thinks a good whipping with a belt will set your kid straight.

I do however agree that IQ has nothing to do with this issue because his lack of desire to do homework has nothing to do with intelligence, rather your kid is probably pretty exhausted when he gets home after 7 hours of instruction. Cut him a break. Talk to the head of your SpEd department about adding an accommodation for decreased homework in his IEP.

First things first, drop the IQ talk. Your kid has issues, and IQ is irrelevant from here on out, because it's not the limiting factor. Also, at that age, IQ tests are famously unreliable, and speak more to home environment than inate ability. Either way, it doesn't matter. You have a discipline issue on your hands. Good luck.

Is he failing four subjects simply because of homework? Or are there other reasons?

This might not be the school for him. Or he might not be mature enough and responsible enough to do things he has to do but doesn't want to do. This was me. My parents started me in school very early because I was "so smart." Like your son, I did no homework. I simply wasn't mature enough to have a sense of responsibility about things I didn't enjoy. It wasn't until college that I got motivated to do things I didn't really want to do. Then I excelled.

How old is he?

What's his disability, OP? I disagree with a blanket "get him excused from homework" recommendation.

Get him excused from homework. As long as he can prove proficiency in the subjects via the tests, no good reason to ding him on the homework.

I had an IEP as a kid and couldn't write multiple drafts of essays. But my first draft was always great, so it was agreed I could turn in the first as my last.

Stop testing his iq. You know that he has the intelligence.

I'm not talking about can't do his homework. He simply won't. He is so rigid that he can not stomach the thought of doing anything he does not want to do. What do you do when his IQ, tested twice, is 140, but he is failing four subjects??