I'm sorry OP. That's terrible. The nerve of them sending you lists, and that normally wouldn't bother me. I absolutely would NOT send them or their kids anything. In fact, I'd probably cut them out of my life. I'm so sorry. They sound incredibly selfish and not worth your time or energy.

So sorry, OP. Some people are useless in a crisis. My dad largely physically abandoned my mom and us kids when she was diagnosed with BC. He held it together through her surgery then took a job in another state. I am the only family member who has forgiven him. Try to focus on your DC and build whatever village you can from friends, neighbors, etc. DW's family will be fair weather relatives.

Many times people go into denial when they hear something like this that makes them feel helpless. It is painful to deal with on the receiving end but can be a self-protective act when faced with losing a loved one.

I'm sorry op. They sound awful. My sister can be like this on a smaller scale. I'm on my own with 2 preschoolers while dH is away for a monthslong assignment, and her unemployed self won't stop pestering me about visiting a family friend. She feels guilty so she's trying to pass it on to me. I told her to f' off yesterday, which is honestly what I would have said to your SIL in that situation.

Your wife's family sounds pretty dysfunctional. It sucks, and I'm sorry you're dealing with it.

Focus on the relationship that you do have with your supportive sister. Unfortunately, your wife may have "that" kind of family. You know, the kind that won't be there for her.

As for Christmas gift giving, if you see fit, go with the gift cards.

The most important thing for you to do is to concentrate on your DW and those precious little kids. Your wife is loved. And so are you--your sister sounds amazing. And you seem like a kind person. Merry Christmas!

First, they are hours away. Second, they may have not actually truly understood the full ramifications of her illness. Third, have they ever been sick? Did they share this with you or are they likely to hide the truth so as to not burden you with the potential devastation they have faced? Would you rush to their side if they were in ICU? Fourth, is it that you are facing for the first time a potential loss? They may have been through many and know not to panic. Even better, they may fear that reacting will magnify the fear. I've seen people die alone in hospitals while the family shows up later hysterical. Some handle the thought of death very differently then others. Fifth, are you just struggling because you have to deal with two small kids?

It sucks when people don't react or behave the way you want them to, doesn't it? I'm sorry your wife's family isn't being more supportive. Some people feel they can't handle sickness. I used to have a relative who would start crying any time anyone talked about death in any way, and the one time she attended a funeral not her own, she actually passed out. My aunt is freaked out by hospitals (though she's forced herself to go for close family). All the wires and buttons and beeps.

You can tell your wife's family specific things they can do to help. "It would really help if you took the two little girls out of the house one afternoon. They LOVE the zoo/park/pottery." "I'm having a hard time with dinners - if you could send us a gift card to a meal delivery service if you don't want to come over that would be super helpful." "Between caring for the girls and nursing Larla back to health the cleanliness of our home is leaving much to be desired. It would really help to get a cleaning lady in here once a week."

Don't worry about getting gifts for extended family. You're busy. I hope your wife gets better. And that you like your new phone.

*hugs* Your wife's family are wierdos. Most normal family members would come help.

You also need to tell SIL off for bad behavior. "We're completely overwhelmed with how critical DW's situation is. Taking care of everyone has been very rough. Please excuse us for not exchanging gifts this year" What an evil SIL

Sounds like my own family, who are awful. Sorry, OP. There's no changing them. How's your wife's relationship with them? I hope she is doing okay.

OP - truly sorry to hear what you and your wife are going through. Just a voice on dcum lending support. Don't feel any obligation beyond your immediate family. Just take care of you, your wife and your kids. Hope the new year will be much brighter.

Ps that thing about the gift list is outrageous considering the circumstances

Outright you need to tell your wife's parents, "DW nearly died. Your grandchildren are struggling and we need help now. Everything is not okay."

Some families need to be told what to do.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. These inlaws are awful! Did they visit and help during maternity leaves?

I am sorry. It is very tough when people don't rise to the occasion like they should.

I feel you. I had ovarian cancer when my youngest was 2. I was completely freaked out. My mother treated it like was no big deal. I had to tell her 3 times before she even listened long enough to understand that I had to have surgery for it. I never really forgave her for it. Some people are just so wrapped up in themselves that they can't think of others even for one minute.

You've seen their true colors. Handle that as you see fit.

My wife had a life threatening event, which could have killed her (it has a high mortality rate). She was in the ICU and spent three weeks in the hospital. She's home, but still sick. It's going to be months before there is a full recovery.

We have a 1 and 3 year old. It has been devastating.

The thing that is burning me up is that her family has pretty much behaved like this isn't a big deal. They don't call to check in on her. They sort of sat silent while I explained how serious things were and that she was in the ICU. No one reached out to me for support beyond asking if there was anything they could do -- in a way that made it clear that it was more of a gesture than a genuine question (they live hours away).

My parents are dead and my sister actually took FMLA to help me with the kids. It's been brutal, but we are going into the holiday season and I received a text from my wife's brother's wife (my SIL) with a Christmas wish list for her kids. I threw my phone because I was so pissed (yes, I am scheduled to visit a therapist to process this whole thing).

I just don't get it. I don't get how we can all pretend everything is fine and just act as though my wife had a small issue like food poisoning (my MIL described it like this in a group email). I just don't get it.

My in-laws were always surface kind of people. Nice and I liked them, but I just am confused over how hard they work to keep things superficial and light. My life is neither right now.

So, now that I have a new phone (my old phone was years old so throwing it was both cathartic and practical), I am trying to navigate the holidays. We are keeping things small here. I am sending gift cards but leaving it at that. I just want to vent a bit before getting the kids from daycare. Thanks.