Anonymous wrote:So you don't find your wife attractive, and you're wondering why she doesn't want to have sex? You sound like you just want a hole to stick it in.

I'm not going to tell you to do more around the house. I'm going to tell you that if you want your wife to feel sexy, you have to treat her like you find her desirable. Like you really want to have sex with her, not just with anyone.

Aaaand.....here they come. Obviously the man's fault that the woman gets fat and lets herself go. And if the man gets fat? Obviously the man's fault. Insensitive brutes.

Spending time together without the kids is a good idea of course, but it's really only a possibility that doing so will bring her libido back.

These suggestions about helping spark a low libido wife always seem like throwing darts blind-folded. Maybe something will stick, but it doesn't seem like I hear a ton of success stories on this issue. Some folks helpfully chime in on coming back from a low sex period, but mostly the stories are in the other direction -- particularly when we're not talking about kids who are 0-2 years old. In this case, we have a 3 and 5 year old.

OP, what's your wife's weight and height? And are you in shape yourself? You sound like you have unrealistically high expectations for her to look like she did when you married her over 10 years ago.

sounds to me like OP first and foremost wants more intimacy, and thinks if his wife felt better about her body the sex would return.

sorry to hear it OP. I have kids the same ages and life does revolve around kids/work/kids/work. DH does a lot too, but its hard to generate passion out of thin air, after you've been wiping butts, dealing with spills, dealing with everyone else's wants/needs and sex feels like another demand. THat's not how I see it--now--but I bet it is how some spouses feel. We were conscious of becoming roomates, so we now try to really stop the separate disconnected time after the kids are in bed, at least a few nights a week. It's a bad habit, but I think when you work full time and parent young kids, when they finally go to bed you just feel like having "me/alone" time and it becomes mutually reinforcing of a general disconnect. So now, we kind of say 'I'd love to spend some time together tonight" so the expectation is there earlier; sometimes we open a bottle of wine and talk; sometimes we just watch a show together, but we try to do somethign together, and go to bed together. Sex is not necessarily partof the equation every time, but the spending time together, without kids, not necessarily on a date night; is important.

We also have found that while date nights are hard, every once in a while we have lunch togehter during the work week. We pick a nice restaurant (hey we're not getting a babysitter) and enjoy the company. I find that this is a good way to reconnect, without the pressure of date night or expectation of sex right after (which for some people might be a turn off if they're in that pattern in their marriage).

finally, DH and I started exercising togehter on the weekends (I exercise during the week, but he wasn't working out). We put the kids in babysitting at the gym, workout, shower, and then all do something fun. I think DH feels the way your wife does--he has gained weight and is ashamed about it, but feels good working out and I make sure to notice that he's lost weight/put on muscle/looks good in those pants, etc.

Anonymous wrote:We've been married for 10+ years. 2 young kids. DW is slowly letting herself go and gaining weight, not working out, eating like crap and complaining about gaining weight. She now has body issues and does not look good naked. In 2015, we have had sex 6-8 times and another 4-6 times we had oral. I've made comments about how important it is for me to have sex but she casually ignores it and/or says that she could go without sex indefinitely because she does not feel sexy anymore. I am no longer attracted by her because of the same crap she wears every weekend to not showering during the weekend (which I think is a way to keep me away). We both have full time jobs and we are tired at the end of the day. I am not saying we need to have sex every day, but once a weekend might be a nice change. Before you flame me, I help out around the house. We both cook for the kids, I clean and do the dishes. She does the laundry. I vacuum the apartment regularly, put the kids to bed every night. She does laundry and then help with night time routine like changing the kids. Kids are usually in bed by 9. After that, now a days I just watch TV or read a book and she just eats ice cream and is on facebook. She goes to bed and then I watch porn and take care of myself almost every night.

I need more than that. These days I watch all the beautiful women on the metro and in the city and start to wonder what it would be to like to have sex with them. I am ashamed to say that I have even considered using an escort so not to bother the DW. I don't want to leave but I am very frustrated and can't seem to get her out of this zone that she is in.

Any inputs of what you would do? Have you been through something like this? How did not deal with it? Did it end well?

So you don't find your wife attractive, and you're wondering why she doesn't want to have sex? You sound like you just want a hole to stick it in.

I'm not going to tell you to do more around the house. I'm going to tell you that if you want your wife to feel sexy, you have to treat her like you find her desirable. Like you really want to have sex with her, not just with anyone.

OP, what's your wife's weight and height? And are you in shape yourself? You sound like you have unrealistically high expectations for her to look like she did when you married her over 10 years ago.

You guys need to do things together without the kids. I realize it's hard and expensive but you need to rekindle your marriage and your connection to each other. This includes sex but lack of it is a symptom of other things.

First, I don't necessarily think your wife is depressed or something is wrong psychologically with her. A lot of women would go without sex in long term relationships if given the choice. It's a politically incorrect truth (not all women, of course). This article may make you feel better or worse, depending if you are taking it personally http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2007/03/not-tonight-dear/305643/


That being said, you first need to have a very blunt talk. Tell her you want to have more sex with her and that the lack of it is eroding your marriage. I wouldn't bring up that she has gotten fat - she knows it. Let her tell you that her body image is holding her back - and then you can (genuinely) offer to do what it takes to let her get back in reasonable shape. (For us, when we were sliding into poor shape, my wife and I made a committment to support each other going to the gym, even if it meant one of us was solo bed time).

You will end up cheating and/or divorced or incredible bitter (probably all three) unless you figure this out together.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does she want to do things with you other than sex? Date night? Watch TV or a movie together? Are you connecting at all? Honestly, it sounds like she may be depressed and needs to see a therapist.

OP here. No everything we do revolves around the kiddos. They are young. 3 and 5 years. When we go out its with them.

Is this her choice? Yours? What's keeping you from hiring a babysitter? 3 and 5 year old kids should be able to be left with a babysitter of family friend so that the two of you can get out for a walk and a real discussion of how she is actually feeling. You aren't going to make any headway on the sex until you made headway on the state of your marriage (kinda non existent at the moment, yes?). If it is really difficult for the two of you to talk openly you may need to enlist in a marriage counselor to help facilitate but your DW is not going to be interested in sex until her mood is better). Don't get me wrong I'm not saying you are responsible for her mood (she is) but that as a loving spouse you may need to give her a little push towards getting some help.

OP here. This was not a choice. We just kinda fell into the routine. I will try the baby sitter route again but when done previously, we had trouble engaging in real conversation and ended up talking about casual surface level stuff. We also don't have a lot of disposable income to hire sitters all the time and then spend more money on a date night. Most of our friends are in the suburbs and not in the city so its very hard to make logistics work for them and us. excuses I know.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does she want to do things with you other than sex? Date night? Watch TV or a movie together? Are you connecting at all? Honestly, it sounds like she may be depressed and needs to see a therapist.

OP here. No everything we do revolves around the kiddos. They are young. 3 and 5 years. When we go out its with them.

Is this her choice? Yours? What's keeping you from hiring a babysitter? 3 and 5 year old kids should be able to be left with a babysitter of family friend so that the two of you can get out for a walk and a real discussion of how she is actually feeling. You aren't going to make any headway on the sex until you made headway on the state of your marriage (kinda non existent at the moment, yes?). If it is really difficult for the two of you to talk openly you may need to enlist in a marriage counselor to help facilitate but your DW is not going to be interested in sex until her mood is better). Don't get me wrong I'm not saying you are responsible for her mood (she is) but that as a loving spouse you may need to give her a little push towards getting some help.

I'm a DW and in the same situation except only a 5lb weight gain where he has gained 15. My dh will barely acknowledge me when he gets home. I try to ask him questions about his day or other topics and he is glued to his phone. It doesn't help that he says mean shit quite a bit.

I bet if he held my hand or chatted with me while I folded laundry things may be different.

She could also be checked out of the marriage and self sabotaging to force your hand.

Anonymous wrote:We've been married for 10+ years. 2 young kids. DW is slowly letting herself go and gaining weight, not working out, eating like crap and complaining about gaining weight. She now has body issues and does not look good naked. In 2015, we have had sex 6-8 times and another 4-6 times we had oral. I've made comments about how important it is for me to have sex but she casually ignores it and/or says that she could go without sex indefinitely because she does not feel sexy anymore. I am no longer attracted by her because of the same crap she wears every weekend to not showering during the weekend (which I think is a way to keep me away). We both have full time jobs and we are tired at the end of the day. I am not saying we need to have sex every day, but once a weekend might be a nice change. Before you flame me, I help out around the house. We both cook for the kids, I clean and do the dishes. She does the laundry. I vacuum the apartment regularly, put the kids to bed every night. She does laundry and then help with night time routine like changing the kids. Kids are usually in bed by 9. After that, now a days I just watch TV or read a book and she just eats ice cream and is on facebook. She goes to bed and then I watch porn and take care of myself almost every night.

I need more than that. These days I watch all the beautiful women on the metro and in the city and start to wonder what it would be to like to have sex with them. I am ashamed to say that I have even considered using an escort so not to bother the DW. I don't want to leave but I am very frustrated and can't seem to get her out of this zone that she is in.

Any inputs of what you would do? Have you been through something like this? How did not deal with it? Did it end well?

No advice, but you just described my life. I'd like to tell you that it gets better, but so far...nope. Married 20 years. DW tops 200 now and doesn't even try to look good for me anymore.

I'm sure most of the dcum women will tell you (us) that it's obviously our fault, we're not supportive, or something. But in my case anyway I'm not sure what else I could do.

Anonymous wrote:Does she want to do things with you other than sex? Date night? Watch TV or a movie together? Are you connecting at all? Honestly, it sounds like she may be depressed and needs to see a therapist.

OP here. No everything we do revolves around the kiddos. They are young. 3 and 5 years. When we go out its with them.

Does she want to do things with you other than sex? Date night? Watch TV or a movie together? Are you connecting at all? Honestly, it sounds like she may be depressed and needs to see a therapist.

We've been married for 10+ years. 2 young kids. DW is slowly letting herself go and gaining weight, not working out, eating like crap and complaining about gaining weight. She now has body issues and does not look good naked. In 2015, we have had sex 6-8 times and another 4-6 times we had oral. I've made comments about how important it is for me to have sex but she casually ignores it and/or says that she could go without sex indefinitely because she does not feel sexy anymore. I am no longer attracted by her because of the same crap she wears every weekend to not showering during the weekend (which I think is a way to keep me away). We both have full time jobs and we are tired at the end of the day. I am not saying we need to have sex every day, but once a weekend might be a nice change. Before you flame me, I help out around the house. We both cook for the kids, I clean and do the dishes. She does the laundry. I vacuum the apartment regularly, put the kids to bed every night. She does laundry and then help with night time routine like changing the kids. Kids are usually in bed by 9. After that, now a days I just watch TV or read a book and she just eats ice cream and is on facebook. She goes to bed and then I watch porn and take care of myself almost every night.

I need more than that. These days I watch all the beautiful women on the metro and in the city and start to wonder what it would be to like to have sex with them. I am ashamed to say that I have even considered using an escort so not to bother the DW. I don't want to leave but I am very frustrated and can't seem to get her out of this zone that she is in.

Any inputs of what you would do? Have you been through something like this? How did not deal with it? Did it end well?