I had to brace myself for a similar situation this week.


Day 1: Had a solid plan. Do X, Y, Z at this time because it is time sensitive (concerts, etc.). We had to do dinner. I polled my family, and then suggested an alternative that catered to HER needs/preferences. Everyone was OK about that.
WENT TO BED EARLY.

Day 2: Stuck with typical routine for my family (it was my house) and offered on ramps and off ramps to her. "We are going to mall b/c kid 2 is meeting friends for scheduled event. Would you like to come and shop, or would you like to rest and stay home with other kid (who did not need watching)." Went well.
Also, in the morning, I have her 3 ideas for how to spend the evening. When she selected 1, I booked it. (Had to buy tickets). Later in the day she said if I had not paid, she probably would like to change the plans and gave many reasons not to go (a pattern....wants to think about doing everything, doesn't do it, and is let down she never does anything, then blames me). NOPE. We have tickets. Go in what you are wearing. Leaving in 15 minutes.
We went. Good time.
WENT TO BED EARLY again.

Day 3: Offered another planned activity part of our routine (and hers, per her, at home). She declined. I went anyway with my kid.
She asked how it was, and justified her choice. I was neutral.


Another pattern was I really made sure meal times were clear and estrablished (for my own health/stress level) and I ate well (healthy) without drinking.

I'm not anti drinking, but it swings my mood and gives ammo to the other side. I have a few glasses of wine when I am comfortable. If I am uncomfortable, wine doesn't get me there. It deeped the mood I am in. That's just me.

I also realize my spouse (blessing the heart) vents about the situation and pretends that is supportive to me. I KNOW it is imperfect and when it is pointed out to me, it just makes me uncomfortable. This time, we talked about how spouse could stay out of the picture and still be helpful. (Went to the store, ran the kids to take care of small errands when needed, but more "behind the scenes" support). Not sure if this would work for you, but it helped me.

YMMV.

....

Bingo! Make a mental list of the top things she says that annoy you and hope for her to say them all.

Anonymous wrote:Booze is always a bad option in a bad situation. Talk about throwing fuel on a fire.

Yes that can be true. But it helps me relax around relatives that drive me crazy. I don't drink so much I can't control what I say. That's the key I think.

I think you should just try to relax and don't put too much pressure on spending time all together all the time. If you do some things different, its probably just as well.

Booze is always a bad option in a bad situation. Talk about throwing fuel on a fire.

"Interesting"
"What makes you say that?"
"Why do you ask?"
"Hmm"
"I'll have to think about that"
"Oh yes, I read about that..."
"Forgot something in the car! BRB" (don't return)

All are great for avoiding conversations you don't want to have. Bring booze. Have fun with the kids. Expect nothing from sister and BIL.

OP here. Thanks for the advice. I think this is the crux of what I needed to hear:

"Continually say to yourself "I'm doing this for the kids. I'm a good person. This too, shall pass."

This, and wine.

I would go in with low expectations.

Take lots of walks on the beach and read a lot. Don't feel like you have to be with them all of the time.

But seriously, have low expectations, don't expect a lot.

1. Bring alcohol.
2. When sister or BIL start in, suddenly remember something you need from your room and walk out.
3. Bring a good book and bury yourself in it.
4. Continually say to yourself "I'm doing this for the kids. I'm a good person. This too, shall pass."

Just treat her as a friend of a friend or some other type of polite-but-friendly connection, rather than expecting her to be a SISTER. If you expect to relate to her as an "ideal sister," you're going to fail. But surely you can pull off a week-long trip in a shared space by being polite, cordial and as go-with-the-flow as possible at all times by pretending she is just a friend of a friend.

Focus on making things fun for the kids. Volunteer to watch her kids for a bit while she and her husband go for a walk on the beach; she may surprise you by reciprocating. Bring some fun kid activities and make the trip memorable for them.

If she and her family leave messes, make the choice to either clean up after them so that you have a clean, comfortable space to relax in, or make the choice to leave her messes for her to clean up. Recognize and accept that she/they may tolerate more mess and chaos than you, and either clean it or leave it. Only bring that up at the very end of the trip, when everyone must pitch in to clean a vacation rental.

If she asks you personal questions, give her the benefit of the doubt and answer as honestly/thoroughly as possible (while still maintaining whatever boundaries you are comfortable with). If she questions/seems to criticize, just politely say, "Well, that's something to think about," and change the subject. If she tries to start drama, do your best to politely extract yourself from the conversation, and go do something else.

I won't give you any zingers, because I have a feeling that you have a good heart and truly want to have a nice holiday with your family--especially for the sake of your kids and her kids. You don't need a zinger, just a polite/bland smile and a vague statement like, "Well, that's interesting! I need to go put the lasagna in the oven."

If you don't rise to any bait, she'll quickly give up trying to get under your skin, if that really is her intention. But at the end of the day, you are family, it's the holidays, just do your best...and bring lots of wine. Good luck!

My sister and I have a complicated relationship and we are going on a week-long beach trip together with our families over the holidays. We are staying in the same house. Before you say I shouldn't do it, know that I am going so that my children can spend time with their cousins, who are around the same age as my children, and who my children adore. While she has some good qualities, I find my sister inconsiderate and entitled and her husband snooty and obnoxious. It's taken years, but I now accept that I cannot change her actions, that trying to do so only frustrates and saddens me, and that I am much better off if I expect very little in terms of a satisfying sisterly relationship. I am trying to think in advance about how I want to act/react during the trip so that I don't get sucked into any drama and can enjoy myself. Give me a pep talk for acting like the bigger person during the trip. Also give me some zingers to combat expected inconsiderate and obnoxious behavior should my plan go to hell!