Next time, just get on the ball about finding a gift for your MIL or whoever and when the siblings send out an email like that, respond, "we already bought a gift for Mothers' Day, thanks."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In our family, whoever is organizing the gift usually sends out an email asking each sib to specify how much they want to contribute, with a general sense of what the gift might be. Then that person scales up or down depending on how much is offered. Two of the five of us have a lot more than the others and we usually volunteer more, though not always. We're all pretty flexible, and there's never been an argument (or even a discussion, really) about it.

This pretty much how we do it. Those of us with more have no problem giving more over the years it's tended to even out for the most part, There is 1 of the 4 who has always been underemployed, but none of us worry about it. More importantly none of the wives or husbands nitpick about it.
Don"t start drama OP!

Yep. This is how we do it too.

Oh god, I'd just start saying no. Simply say you've already found something to give for Christmas so you'll be skipping the group gift this year. I would really resent one sibling choosing a gift they can't afford and then expecting me to foot the majority of the bill. This is something my DH's sister would do. In my family, I'm the poor sib, and I'd never suggest a gift I couldn't equally contribute to.

Bow out, say no thanks, and don't get involved in the money discussion.

Ask them how much it is, and send 1/4. Everyone should pay the same.

Anonymous wrote:I, I, I, I,

Op, this is not worth your concern. It's your DH's family. Whatever discrepancy exits, including the discrepancy of how they do it and how you would do it, it does not matter. It should not matter to you at all. It's not worth an ounce of discord in your marriage. Whatever money is involved, assume it's a whole lot less than marriage counseling.

Or your DH being put on the outs with his siblings. If DH has a problem with it or if it's a serious financial strain for you two he should talk to his siblings about it.

But really it sounds like you are the new DIL on the scene aand think the only proper way to do things is they way in which your family of origin does them.

Or you simply do not have enough going on in your life. Don't borrow trouble instead purse a hobby I've heard Barre classes are a thing.

One of 4. For a long time my brother and I would basically foot the entire bill. Now we're all on more even footing and split equally. Never had an argument or bad feelings over it. We don't even keep track. Someone different ends up getting the gift each year, and inevitably one or more of us can't rmemeber if we sent a check or not, and whoever bought the gift usually has no idea because they didn't keep track of who paid.

But, we're all really close and have great relationships. Dinners out and meeting for drinks and taking turns picking up the tabs. I could see getting irritated at inequality if you weren't close to the sibs.

I, I, I, I,

Op, this is not worth your concern. It's your DH's family. Whatever discrepancy exits, including the discrepancy of how they do it and how you would do it, it does not matter. It should not matter to you at all. It's not worth an ounce of discord in your marriage. Whatever money is involved, assume it's a whole lot less than marriage counseling.

I and other sibling who is rich split things. We put everyone's name on the card.

Each family pay the same. If they cannot afford more, then they need to pick a cheaper gift. It would be one thing if there was a specific reason for paying less but if they pick an expensive gift, they need to equally contribute. I'd look up the cost, divide by four and agree to that amount.

I hate group gifts for this reason. Do what we do, and just say no.

This stems from an incident about 10 years ago. My DH and I were in grad school. Two of the sibs had full time jobs and the rest of the subs were in school. Oldest brother wanted to get tickets to a football game for FIL. He gave us an amount that my DH assumed was from the two of us. He bought the tickets and FIL chose the eldest brother (who bought the tickets) to go with him. We lived far away so my DH going was not an option. When we came for Christmas, the eldest brother said that we each owed xx amount since his wife also paid. He knew he would get to go and then proceeded to get money from his college student sibs living off part time jobs and loans to foot the bill for his ticket as well as FIL (I get that they're sent was 2 tickets but an honorable guy would have said that he would just pay for his since the rest of the kids were much younger than he was and in school). It felt like a ploy to get his sibs to pay for an expensive ticket. We said never again. Now we buy what we want and can afford.

If you chose to go with these things, say pick out the gift and we will pay 25% of it. Period. If they are picking the gift, they can decide what they can afford.

Anonymous wrote:In our family, whoever is organizing the gift usually sends out an email asking each sib to specify how much they want to contribute, with a general sense of what the gift might be. Then that person scales up or down depending on how much is offered. Two of the five of us have a lot more than the others and we usually volunteer more, though not always. We're all pretty flexible, and there's never been an argument (or even a discussion, really) about it.

This pretty much how we do it. Those of us with more have no problem giving more over the years it's tended to even out for the most part, There is 1 of the 4 who has always been underemployed, but none of us worry about it. More importantly none of the wives or husbands nitpick about it.
Don"t start drama OP!

Someone just sends out an email saying "Hey, wanna go in with me on sending Mom flowers for Mothers' Day? I found a deal for $55 that sends $85 worth of flowers that look pretty. I'll (public school teacher) pay $25 and you (lawyer with lawyer wife) pay $30 plus tax and shipping ok?"

Sometimes we split things equally, and sometimes we don't. We've all agreed we won't fight about money simply because our relationship is more important than $100. If my bro said he wanted to split things fifty fifty with me, I'd either agree, find something less expensive that I could afford, or we'd do our own thing.

I'm one of 3 and we split the costs equally . My older brother presumably makes the most (2 doctor household and SIL specializes), then DH and I and then younger brother and his wife. We're all financially secure though.

DHs brothers are not financially secure (one is perpetually unemployed) so he doesn't even bother to ask for contributions. He just buys flowers for mother's day and puts everyone's name on the card, that sort of thing.

In our family, whoever is organizing the gift usually sends out an email asking each sib to specify how much they want to contribute, with a general sense of what the gift might be. Then that person scales up or down depending on how much is offered. Two of the five of us have a lot more than the others and we usually volunteer more, though not always. We're all pretty flexible, and there's never been an argument (or even a discussion, really) about it.

My DH is one of four siblings and two of them like to suggest group gifts for their parents or each other for birthdays and holidays. I have never liked the practice because I like picking out gifts for people and I think their family tends to go over board with the gift amounts but we have always gone along in the past. In the last few years, there has come to be a big disparity in income between the siblings. We make the most by a lot, but all of the siblings are comfortable. Recently, when a gift idea is proposed (usually by one brother or his wife who are the most on top of these things) and the siblings have all agreed, they say to let them know how much each person is going to contribute without giving us the cost. We assumed that the cost would be split four ways and we would pay a quarter, but it seems to be assumed that we will pay the biggest share, another brother will pay more as well, and the other two will pay less. This does roughly map onto the income/family size ratio of the siblings but I'm still bothered by it. I feel like it turns gift giving into a financial transaction and assumes that we will float the cost of big gifts that we didn't even pick out ourselves and don't really want to give. For context, we don't give big gifts to each other or to my parents or sister because gift giving is not a big part of my family's dynamic. In my family, gifts are really only given to children.

How do others with big income disparities divvy up costs among siblings? Should it be split equally or based on overall wealth.