Anonymous wrote:OP here - MIL tends to sulk if we spend a holiday with my family then reject making plans for a few months, she makes comments about access to grandkids yet clearly favors other grandkids, when there have been arguments between DH and siblings she takes sides and isolates us and makes comments implying that I put him up to it or was involved, she generally ignores me and makes contact only through DH, she sends photos about the great and most amazing time they are having during a holiday or other function we aren't attend, she tells us about how her sister's family handles holidays, vacations, etc - everyone all together all the time, and talks about how it used to be before we got married. Other siblings are divorced.

I can't see any favorable outcome from dumping this list of complaints on them. I'd deal with things on a case-by-case basis, only as needed.

Waste of time.

OP here - MIL tends to sulk if we spend a holiday with my family then reject making plans for a few months, she makes comments about access to grandkids yet clearly favors other grandkids, when there have been arguments between DH and siblings she takes sides and isolates us and makes comments implying that I put him up to it or was involved, she generally ignores me and makes contact only through DH, she sends photos about the great and most amazing time they are having during a holiday or other function we aren't attend, she tells us about how her sister's family handles holidays, vacations, etc - everyone all together all the time, and talks about how it used to be before we got married. Other siblings are divorced.

What's your goal for meeting? What do you want to walk away with? I don't think dumping all of your issues from the past on them is going to help (or work). What do you want for them to do differently going forward?

It helped for about a month. My DH said his mother will never change and he was right.

My family isn't super communicative about emotions and sensitivities. If you came to me with something like this, I'd try to be as charitable as possible in interpreting your intentions here, but as far as my family is concerned - having a big sit down conversation about how you hurt my feelings is DRAMA. If you don't like the way something went down, say so in the moment, or next time it's relevant, say - hey, do you think we could do this in XYZ manner instead? Chances are we'll say "sure, no prob."

Making a request for whatever you think the solution is our preferred way of doing it - and you can do it in passing, rather than having a big to do conversation about it.

You haven't provided enough details. What is making you so hurt? Do you think that they are aware that they are being rude specifically to YOU but they choose to do it anyway? If so, what do you think their goal is in being rude?

I would ponder that and try to determine in my own head if this is all the result of a simple misunderstanding or if they have some sort of deep seated problem with you being there (it doesn't have to be fair of them, it might be something in their own family dynamic which makes them act this way and is not something that you did or anything that you could control - is there jealousy for instance?).

If you think it's something that be cleared up with a talk - talk. If you think that this goes deeper with them than that...maybe you simply don't have to spend every holiday with them.

MIL and I had a real airing of the grievances years ago. It helped a lot. It was all brought about by a mistake she'd made that she couldn't deny was an error on her part. (I overheard her saying a lot of things about my family that I was not supposed to have heard.) She told me her negative feelings. I told her mine. We get along much better now.

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I think with people like your ILs, it likely won't help.

I have parents like this. My DH came into my life early on and thought...well clearly if we all just discuss things and let them know how we feel, things will get better. Because that's how normal, emotionally functional, self-aware people work. If you are dealing with people who are not these things, it won't work. He figured this out on his own time and in his own way. But he had to go through his own process to get there.

BUT...I think it's very important to make the attempt to address the problems. Be honest (in a positive and respectful way) and see what happens. If it gets you nowhere, you will know you did your best and acted in good faith. And then you can move on to the next phase where you accept the relationship for what it is.

This to a t! Good luck op! We feel your pain!

Yeah, I think with people like your ILs, it likely won't help.

I have parents like this. My DH came into my life early on and thought...well clearly if we all just discuss things and let them know how we feel, things will get better. Because that's how normal, emotionally functional, self-aware people work. If you are dealing with people who are not these things, it won't work. He figured this out on his own time and in his own way. But he had to go through his own process to get there.

BUT...I think it's very important to make the attempt to address the problems. Be honest (in a positive and respectful way) and see what happens. If it gets you nowhere, you will know you did your best and acted in good faith. And then you can move on to the next phase where you accept the relationship for what it is.

Details, please. It's hard to give "blanket" advice on this.

I doubt it will help. The only thing that helped in our case was DH discussing things privately with his mom---basically standing up for us, over and over. Well, and the other big thing that helped was me dropping my expectations considerably.

What was the major thing that happened? We might be able to help with specifics.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
good luck with that.

I think addressing the issues is a good idea, but not ALL of the issues at once. I don't think "letting it all out" will serve you well.

I'd pick the 1-2 topics that are most important and get them sorted out as best you can. Let any and all little stuff go.

As for the rest of the "real issues," bring them up AS THEY OCCUR. If, for example, your MIL questions why you are breastfeeding, just say, "Nancy, breastfeeding is the best choice for our family. We're very happy with it, and we won't be discussing it further." That's it.

That way, problems are addressed as they occur, and there's no need to keep having "Big Talks."

My husbands side of the family does not communicate well. They don't address problems and either sulk, ignore, make passive comments or a combination of the above. Several things have happened that have hurt me over the years and one major thing recently. My husband has brought it up in the past at my urging, but the situation did not change. I feel like we should both discuss my concerns and the problems of the past in person and DH has agreed. MIL said she was "perplexed about what we would want to discuss" but agreed. We'll see them in 2 weeks. Is this a bad idea? Should I let it all out (in as polite a way as I can) or will that overwhelm them. Did things improve for you after you conveyed what has been bothering you, hurtful or offensive? I figure at a minimum I'll be able to get things off my chest and if they reject my concerns, I'll definitely know where we stand. Or is it better to continue ignoring and just show up for the dog and pony show at Christmas and not see them again for another 6 months and accept this will be our relationship? I'm sad for my kids.