Anonymous wrote:Because I have several years of experience watching him (and helping him) deal with setbacks and upsetting life events and I know what it looks like for him to deal v. wallow. (Some wallowing = A-OK and healthy, endless wallowing = problem.) I suggested counseling again this morning, and as usual he said there's no point because he can just talk to me. Maybe he finds our conversations helpful, but I usually end up finding them frustrating. I'm not a professional and I don't know how to help him understand things like it's okay to be upset, it doesn't help to stifle your feelings, it's not your fault that this process is so shitty, etc. I try, but there's a limit to what I can do.

Hi OP. My husband used to think talking to me was enough -- and it seems like he really thought it was, but it was NOT enough for me. It became too much of a burden; I felt like his therapist and like his struggles were overshadowing everything. I finally had to tell him that I am his wife, yes - we talk about intimate things, but I am not and can not be a therapist replacement. There are things that you can share freely and openly with an experienced and impartial therapist that you will most likely not share with your partner.

Does he know that you find the conversations frustrating? Why do you find them frustrating?

Because I have several years of experience watching him (and helping him) deal with setbacks and upsetting life events and I know what it looks like for him to deal v. wallow. (Some wallowing = A-OK and healthy, endless wallowing = problem.) I suggested counseling again this morning, and as usual he said there's no point because he can just talk to me. Maybe he finds our conversations helpful, but I usually end up finding them frustrating. I'm not a professional and I don't know how to help him understand things like it's okay to be upset, it doesn't help to stifle your feelings, it's not your fault that this process is so shitty, etc. I try, but there's a limit to what I can do.

How do you know he's not dealing, OP?

Therapy is not for everyone. I hate therapy, and I doubt I'll ever go. Tried it on a couple of occasions for different reasons and hated every minute of it. Can't do it, won't do it. Your husband may be in the same camp. You see, I'm convinced that talking about a desperate situation does not change either the situation, or your attitude towards it. Not being able to have children when you want to is impossible to put a positive spin on. Just one of those things...

Anonymous wrote:Lying to your husband to get him into therapy is not a good idea, imho.

Fair enough. My original statement probably came out less tongue in cheek than I meant it to. I've already suggested counseling (including at SG) many, many times, so there isn't really an opportunity to make up a story about it anyway. I'm not usually a fan of lying, just looking for something to give him a push to try it. I've also suggested the "talk with your bros" thing many times, but he always says no to that too. (When he does end up talking with a friend, I can tell it helps, but that only happens incidentally.)

I'm not convinced that the best thing for me is the best thing for him, but I know he's not dealing, so I feel like I need to do something to help.

Lying to your husband to get him into therapy is not a good idea, imho.

I am a spouse (female, though) to a wife going through infertility treatment and what really helped me was to have my own therapist--one who has never met my wife and didn't want to. I liked having a place that was all about me, since so much of the sympathy went to her (deservedly so) during all the ups and downs of ART. That sounds really selfish but there it is.

Does SGF have a men's only support group? That might be useful. But some people are really not into therapy. He might be coping with it fine but just differently than you (but you would know best--is he showing signs he's not coping, or is he just not feeling the sadness of it all the same way you are?). Or he might benefit from going out for a beer with a sympathetic friend. For all the good a few sessions of therapy did for me (and it did a lot) I found that there were a few people I could talk to who were almost as helpful. Of course, I couldn't talk to them for an hour a week all about my stuff. That's what you pay a therapist for.

My husband and I have gone to counseling together (not through shady grove). We've found it very helpful.

My husband and I are in the thick of treatment, and I just don't think he's coping with the sadness of it all. I have suggested he talk to a therapist, but he is really resistant to that idea.

I know Shady Grove offers some kind of counseling. Anyone tried it? I thought maybe I could drag him there with me by claiming it's a necessary part of treatment. (I'm in individual therapy and have brought him with me a couple times, which I found really helpful. But obviously my therapist is treating me, not him.)