Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you just gently tell her, "You know, I know you want the best for us and have wisdom to share, but sometimes it can feel a little overwhelming when you give so much advice. Even if the advice is good, as adults we like to try to figure things out and make our own decisions. We are happy we can turn to you and ask you for your input, but maybe not so much of the time."

What is your and your MIL's ethnic background?

Indian. I moved to US when I was 12 years old but she moved here 2 years back. Before that, My FIL and MIL used to visit us for 6 months which was another nightmare. Eventually they moved here

I'm in the same boat and it is overwhelming for sure. When we first got married, I was shocked by the number of things one can have an opinion about! Never in my life had I met some one who had so many opinions and felt so comfortable to share them all the time, even after being asked to stop and multiple subject changes. I mean, all day every day, it's "do this, do that, why haven't you taken care of XYZ?" while we already have a routine that runs smoothly even when no one is there to question it 24/7. I'm all for making changes and accommodating loved ones when they visit, but making space for some one is not the same as letting them take over and undermine your autonomy in your own household. But that is where understanding the cultural differences on family roles and expectations, and what it means to be an adult is helpful. If you can have a frank conversation about that with your ILs, then you both can develop some appreciation for the roles you're both trying to play and make room for each other's perspective. Without that understanding, I think you're left just bickering at the surface about things that don't really matter.

Things are now much better with my MIL. She still gives a lot of advice, but it's less than what she used to do and she tries to couch in terms of just voicing her experience, rather than ordering us around. I try not to get disproportionately frustrated with it and I cede control over certain domains that make her happy and give her a sense of purpose when she does visit, but that don't push me out of my role as a mother & wife.

I smile and say "we're figuring it out". That's about it. Drives my MIL nuts. She recently let loose that she didn't like the way we bought our last car. I found myself getting defensive and then I just walked away. Wtf does she care how we bought our last car? We are financially stable.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you just gently tell her, "You know, I know you want the best for us and have wisdom to share, but sometimes it can feel a little overwhelming when you give so much advice. Even if the advice is good, as adults we like to try to figure things out and make our own decisions. We are happy we can turn to you and ask you for your input, but maybe not so much of the time."

What is your and your MIL's ethnic background?

Indian. I moved to US when I was 12 years old but she moved here 2 years back. Before that, My FIL and MIL used to visit us for 6 months which was another nightmare. Eventually they moved here

Indian MIL's. I will never marry Indian as I have heard many terrifying stories abt Indian parents influencing their son's marriage and life. Feel pity for all Indian wives who have to deal with this

That's rude. I am Indian and feel offended by this

I didn't live close to my MIL but sometimes I would distract her from giving me advice by asking her to tell me a story about when my husband was little.

She was kind of reliving parenthood when she saw us do it, so it made sense to listen to something entertaining.

"Oh! He was the worst sleeper. Sick? It seemed like he always had a sore throat."

It also was a reminder that things were not always rosy when she was my age/in my shoes.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you just gently tell her, "You know, I know you want the best for us and have wisdom to share, but sometimes it can feel a little overwhelming when you give so much advice. Even if the advice is good, as adults we like to try to figure things out and make our own decisions. We are happy we can turn to you and ask you for your input, but maybe not so much of the time."

What is your and your MIL's ethnic background?

Indian. I moved to US when I was 12 years old but she moved here 2 years back. Before that, My FIL and MIL used to visit us for 6 months which was another nightmare. Eventually they moved here

Indian MIL's. I will never marry Indian as I have heard many terrifying stories abt Indian parents influencing their son's marriage and life. Feel pity for all Indian wives who have to deal with this

"Wow. I'll think about what you said when I make MY decision."

Not rude, but not weak.

Say thank you and ignore.

Anonymous wrote:She should not say anything to you that she would not say to a friend. She needs to view your relationship as equals and therefore not give advice unless asked. This is the ideal. How you get to this point is difficult. You can be very firm but you have to be willing to weather the adjustment period. There may be push-back, hurt feelings, emotional manipulation. To be equals it is very important that you are not dependent. You can't have it both ways. You can't have their respect as an equal and rely on favors of money, free vacations or free childcare. Many adult children take, but then are surprised when they aren't viewed as independent equals.

OP here, We are not @ all dependent on them. In fact, I make extra effort not to be dependent upon them. Financially, they are dependent upon us. At times, they take care of our kids especially during Summer vacation. I plan to put my kids in Summer Camp all the time, so we are not dependent upon them

I'm poster 10:49 and just read 10:42 - - I'm afraid you have an entire culture to compete with. Guessing the "ideal" won't happen.

She should not say anything to you that she would not say to a friend. She needs to view your relationship as equals and therefore not give advice unless asked. This is the ideal. How you get to this point is difficult. You can be very firm but you have to be willing to weather the adjustment period. There may be push-back, hurt feelings, emotional manipulation. To be equals it is very important that you are not dependent. You can't have it both ways. You can't have their respect as an equal and rely on favors of money, free vacations or free childcare. Many adult children take, but then are surprised when they aren't viewed as independent equals.

Anonymous wrote:Can you just gently tell her, "You know, I know you want the best for us and have wisdom to share, but sometimes it can feel a little overwhelming when you give so much advice. Even if the advice is good, as adults we like to try to figure things out and make our own decisions. We are happy we can turn to you and ask you for your input, but maybe not so much of the time."

What is your and your MIL's ethnic background?

Indian. I moved to US when I was 12 years old but she moved here 2 years back. Before that, My FIL and MIL used to visit us for 6 months which was another nightmare. Eventually they moved here

My mom does this too. I've learned that it comes from love even if it's annoying. Just say "thanks well think about it" or "thanks for that idea". If she then asks what you did say "we decided to do such and such, that what works for us". Repeat until you go blue in the face. They may or may not get it.
I tried the semi confrontational - "thank you for your advice but we are figuring it out" line and it did not go over well and for a while I still got tons of it just preceded by "I know you don't want advice but here it is anyway" or " can I just suggest something?" It's not like I'm going to say "no please don't say it" since that was taken as the utmost rudeness.

Can you just gently tell her, "You know, I know you want the best for us and have wisdom to share, but sometimes it can feel a little overwhelming when you give so much advice. Even if the advice is good, as adults we like to try to figure things out and make our own decisions. We are happy we can turn to you and ask you for your input, but maybe not so much of the time."

What is your and your MIL's ethnic background?

Whatever she says, smile and nod and say, "Thanks, I'll think about that." Then just do whatever you were going to do anyway. You can't make her change.

My MIL advices us a lot. You should do this, you should do that...

It makes me so mad that @ times even though I was planning to do the same thing (even without telling me), I end up not doing it. Just because she advised....

I want her to stop advising me all the time. DUNNO want to do.

Please note that she lives 20 mins from us and is @ our house at least 3 times a week. I think that maybe one of the reasons that makes me mad at her and her advices.