I have a relative who has been divorced for 30 years - the now adult child and ex-wife still go visit and spend weekends with the grandparents. It's called being gracious and mature. In your case, the gp's are nice and respectful enough to not invite the ex around when you and DH are around. You need to look at how they are treating the ex, you want to know if that was ever you, that you would receive the same type of gracious treatment. Time to grow up. I am a stepmom and sure as hell wish my stepkids mother was as willing to be involved in the family and with her child.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH gets alternating holidays with his daughter. The other holidays we spend with my family. For the past few years, in laws have invited DH's ex wife, who he does not have a good relationship with, and daughter to the holidays that we are with my family. They don't mention they are doing it in advance, don't discuss with DH, we just end up seeing photos of everyone all together on facebook. I understand that they want to spend time with their grandchild, but shouldn't the ex be spending time with her side of the family on those holidays (they are local too)? A quick visit is ok, but to family thanksgiving? And without us? DH is furious because he has asked his mom in the past not to do this and he thinks it is disrespectful to the two of us. On the holidays when we do have his dd , they don't invite the ex, or at least haven't up to now, but I can't help but feel slighted in this situation. MIL doesn't seem to respect DH's wishes. I know children should come first, but this dynamic is very uncomfortable.

Yes, they should. The dynamic is very uncomfortable because your DH is getting unreasonably upset about this.

And I don't even believe her account of how upset DH is over this. SHE is the one upset over it.

You feel slighted? You need to get over it.

Anonymous wrote:DH gets alternating holidays with his daughter. The other holidays we spend with my family. For the past few years, in laws have invited DH's ex wife, who he does not have a good relationship with, and daughter to the holidays that we are with my family. They don't mention they are doing it in advance, don't discuss with DH, we just end up seeing photos of everyone all together on facebook. I understand that they want to spend time with their grandchild, but shouldn't the ex be spending time with her side of the family on those holidays (they are local too)? A quick visit is ok, but to family thanksgiving? And without us? DH is furious because he has asked his mom in the past not to do this and he thinks it is disrespectful to the two of us. On the holidays when we do have his dd , they don't invite the ex, or at least haven't up to now, but I can't help but feel slighted in this situation. MIL doesn't seem to respect DH's wishes. I know children should come first, but this dynamic is very uncomfortable.

Yes, they should. The dynamic is very uncomfortable because your DH is getting unreasonably upset about this.

Anonymous wrote:DH gets alternating holidays with his daughter. The other holidays we spend with my family. For the past few years, in laws have invited DH's ex wife, who he does not have a good relationship with, and daughter to the holidays that we are with my family. They don't mention they are doing it in advance, don't discuss with DH, we just end up seeing photos of everyone all together on facebook. I understand that they want to spend time with their grandchild, but shouldn't the ex be spending time with her side of the family on those holidays (they are local too)? A quick visit is ok, but to family thanksgiving? And without us? DH is furious because he has asked his mom in the past not to do this and he thinks it is disrespectful to the two of us. On the holidays when we do have his dd , they don't invite the ex, or at least haven't up to now, but I can't help but feel slighted in this situation. MIL doesn't seem to respect DH's wishes. I know children should come first, but this dynamic is very uncomfortable.

Probably does not have a good relationship with ex because he broke up the marriage and his parents recognize this.
Wow! You and your husband are both jerks. Please don't procreate. I feel bad for the daughter when she is stuck with you two.
You married a divorced man, ( and likely had a hand in the divorce) deal with it. How OLD are you??
DH is only furious because you have poured gasoline on that fire. "Disrespectful to the two of us" -what man really cares about that without current wife putting words in his mouth?
Get over it and do what is best for the child.

Anonymous wrote:If ex is not there when you are there, I don't see the problem. It's not disrespectful -- when couples divorce, the entire family is not compelled to divorce. If they invited ex INSTEAD of you, that would be a problem. But since DH and the ex do not get along, they invite her when you and he are not there. Seems pretty damn smart to me.

If you don't want to ever deal with the existence of an ex, well...its too late.

+1

Having the ex-wife around can be touchy, sure. But I would work very hard on your own feelings about this, instead of trying to control other people. It's the way the grands get to see their grandchild at every holiday, regardless if their son has that holiday or not. In reality, it's really nice the ex-wife does this! It's a GOOD thing she gets along with his side of the family and that she's not invited when you are there. Would you feel better if she was invited on your DH's holidays? No. So this is a good compromise and you both don't have to see her.

Focus on the child. Does it make the child happy and feel secure and loved? Yes. So swallow your feelings about this and convince your DH to do the same. He doesn't have to like it, but he also should not go on the warpath to stop it.

If ex is not there when you are there, I don't see the problem. It's not disrespectful -- when couples divorce, the entire family is not compelled to divorce. If they invited ex INSTEAD of you, that would be a problem. But since DH and the ex do not get along, they invite her when you and he are not there. Seems pretty damn smart to me.

If you don't want to ever deal with the existence of an ex, well...its too late.

I'm not sure why you're upset. Do you think the grandparents shouldn't have the right to invite whomever they please to share holidays with them? Or that they shouldn't see their grandchild, or their former daughter in law?

Having the ex over to celebrate the holidays is not slighting you or your husband. It is celebrating the holidays with their grandchild. They have not invited the ex over on the years when you have been there. This is his child and his parents. Why does he need to be present when they visit? Step back and look at the big picture. It is great that his parents are nurturing a good relationship with their grandchild. They sound quite lovely in fact.

Their grandchild and your stepdaughter is the most important. What are you upset about? I think the mom is being gracious in still attending what is an awkward situation for her I'm sure.

Let me guess your wonderful DH caused the divorce by cheating on his wife with you. Sounds like the grandparents enjoy their grandchildren and like the exwife more than the second wife.

Tough. This is what happens when families divorce.

Grandparents are smart, and seeing their granddaughter is obviously more important to them than pissing off their petulant son.

They're inviting their granddaughter. Get over it.

DH gets alternating holidays with his daughter. The other holidays we spend with my family. For the past few years, in laws have invited DH's ex wife, who he does not have a good relationship with, and daughter to the holidays that we are with my family. They don't mention they are doing it in advance, don't discuss with DH, we just end up seeing photos of everyone all together on facebook. I understand that they want to spend time with their grandchild, but shouldn't the ex be spending time with her side of the family on those holidays (they are local too)? A quick visit is ok, but to family thanksgiving? And without us? DH is furious because he has asked his mom in the past not to do this and he thinks it is disrespectful to the two of us. On the holidays when we do have his dd , they don't invite the ex, or at least haven't up to now, but I can't help but feel slighted in this situation. MIL doesn't seem to respect DH's wishes. I know children should come first, but this dynamic is very uncomfortable.