You have to do what works for you and your marriage. If spending Thanksgiving away from him will make you both happier, do it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spent TG with DH and my family. I don't enjoy the holidays when he comes to my family. I don't think he does either. He seems so uncomfortable/bored/annoyed/whatever and I find it exhausting to try to figure out what is going on with him/appease him/try to make him comfortable. Doing all this makes my holiday time at home somewhere close to miserable. On the flip side, I can't say that I particularly enjoy the holidays we spend with his family either. The difference is, I think I do a MUCH better job of having a poker face about the whole thing. I was thinking over the last couple days that I would much much much rather have spent TG with my family, he spend it with his, and we reunite after a few days with our respective families. There was nothing about TG dinner that made me think MAN I am so happy to be sitting next to DH right now...or....It would't feel like TG if DH weren't here. Nope, didn't think any of that.

Am i alone on this?

Ask yourself why are you trying to figure this out/trying to "appease him?"

He's not a toddler; he can use his words. Otherwise, ignore him. If he pouts, that's his problem.

I try to figure it out bc it becomes my problem. He gets totally withdrawn and ignores me. My fam wonders what's wrong with him and if they aren't being hospitable enough. Sometimes I say f it and ignore him. Then I feel alone and still feel like either way the holiday has been shitty.

Anonymous wrote:Spent TG with DH and my family. I don't enjoy the holidays when he comes to my family. I don't think he does either. He seems so uncomfortable/bored/annoyed/whatever and I find it exhausting to try to figure out what is going on with him/appease him/try to make him comfortable. Doing all this makes my holiday time at home somewhere close to miserable. On the flip side, I can't say that I particularly enjoy the holidays we spend with his family either. The difference is, I think I do a MUCH better job of having a poker face about the whole thing. I was thinking over the last couple days that I would much much much rather have spent TG with my family, he spend it with his, and we reunite after a few days with our respective families. There was nothing about TG dinner that made me think MAN I am so happy to be sitting next to DH right now...or....It would't feel like TG if DH weren't here. Nope, didn't think any of that.

Am i alone on this?

Ask yourself why are you trying to figure this out/trying to "appease him?"

He's not a toddler; he can use his words. Otherwise, ignore him. If he pouts, that's his problem.

I tend to feel the same way. DH seems to ruin all holidays because of his mood. I don't know if it's a passive aggressive attempt at making me miserable too, or what. I too think it's a red flag though. If you can't be happy with your spouse at the holidays, when can you? One time DH visited his family while the kids and I stayed home and he made a big stink about it. I think it should be okay to spend vacations and holidays without your spouse sometimes, but most of the time I think you need to put on a show of togetherness for the kids.

Anonymous wrote:I don't know how I'd tolerate my family without DH there to commiserate. Although I admit pondering sending DH and DS to my ILs for cmas without me, but only because I'll be 30 weeks pg and would rather not make the 10 hr drive and share a full size bed with dh and most likely ds too. A few solo days with egg nog ice cream and lifetime cmas movies sounds nice.

For heaven's sakes, just stay home and have your own nuclear family holiday!

I don't know how I'd tolerate my family without DH there to commiserate. Although I admit pondering sending DH and DS to my ILs for cmas without me, but only because I'll be 30 weeks pg and would rather not make the 10 hr drive and share a full size bed with dh and most likely ds too. A few solo days with egg nog ice cream and lifetime cmas movies sounds nice.

I say do what works for you. Married couples sleep in separate beds and claim that is makes for a better marriage. Try it out.

Anonymous wrote:I feel the same way, OP. My DH is so miserable through the holidays and makes no effort to hide it. And nothing I try makes it better. I'm so sick of walking on eggshells and tiptoeing around his moods. The only difference is he's no happier at home. He just hates the holidays. Actually he pretty much hates our life.

Yes. This sounds like my DH. Perpetually in a bad mood and pissy all the time.

No, in the absence of abuse, marriage means spending holidays with one another's families. Even more so once kids arrive. Giving up on this one and going back to your own families for holidays sounds like giving up on marriage.

Eh, don't want to be married to someone who isn't mature enough to pretend - or, here's a thought, actually have - a good time.

I feel the same way, OP. My DH is so miserable through the holidays and makes no effort to hide it. And nothing I try makes it better. I'm so sick of walking on eggshells and tiptoeing around his moods. The only difference is he's no happier at home. He just hates the holidays. Actually he pretty much hates our life.

Honestly, I am thinking of spending next Thanksgiving separate from my spouse. It costs a lot to travel to his parents' place, and it is always an awkward and unhappy environment - if it were just being bored, I'd go, but everyone in DH's family dislikes each other, and it is just a miserable environment. Plus I could care less about Thanksgiving anyway.

Until you host your own holiday it will always be uncomfortable.

ImO, this is a big red flag. Because I don't believe in keeping circles of life so completely separate is healthy. Yes, we all do it, work family of origin. Friends, etc..but spouses and siblings, etc. It seems cold and odd

Spent TG with DH and my family. I don't enjoy the holidays when he comes to my family. I don't think he does either. He seems so uncomfortable/bored/annoyed/whatever and I find it exhausting to try to figure out what is going on with him/appease him/try to make him comfortable. Doing all this makes my holiday time at home somewhere close to miserable. On the flip side, I can't say that I particularly enjoy the holidays we spend with his family either. The difference is, I think I do a MUCH better job of having a poker face about the whole thing. I was thinking over the last couple days that I would much much much rather have spent TG with my family, he spend it with his, and we reunite after a few days with our respective families. There was nothing about TG dinner that made me think MAN I am so happy to be sitting next to DH right now...or....It would't feel like TG if DH weren't here. Nope, didn't think any of that.

Am i alone on this?