This 17 year old sounds like an amazing young lady and I hope to god she has someone in her life who lets her know how special she is daily.

As for you and her father can't think of anything nice to say.

My advice take a huge step back and let them bond however necessary.

Anonymous wrote:And, someday your husband will come to hate you for creating this rift between him and his daughter. I can't believe you are so casual about mentioning that you banned a child from her dad's home for 11 years.

No wonder her mother is mean to you. You deserve it.

No, he won't. (some) Men have a way of disengaging from children that do not belong to the woman they are sleeping with. Dad sounds like one of those men.

Anonymous wrote:I'm a big fan of:

"I said and did things in the past that I regret. I'm glad you reached out to us and I hope that we can start from scratch."

Excellent. But remember, OP, that 17 yr olds are manipulative and there are house rules that everybody lives by. Good luck.

While I can't help but agree with PPs about your prior conduct (my heart breaks for your stepdaughter), I am glad that you are not turning her away now that she is reaching out. If she is angry with you, please don't turn her away again; you can't expect her to bond with you, and your relationship may not be smooth or easy, especially in the beginning. Have patience, try to put yourself in her shoes and have compassion. And let them regularly do things on their own, without you. Just try to get to know her, and be kind.

She hates you. She should. Walk away and let her spend time with her father. Why would she want to bond with you?

This is a huge problem, way bigger than "help me bond with my stepdaughter."

This is family counseling territory, and will take years to resolve.

You need to start by backing up a little bit and letting the two of them bond first. Trying to force family bonding that always includes you will backfire.

And, someday your husband will come to hate you for creating this rift between him and his daughter. I can't believe you are so casual about mentioning that you banned a child from her dad's home for 11 years.

No wonder her mother is mean to you. You deserve it.

Wow, I'm a step-mom. Husband's ex is horrible to him. Kids of course follow her lead but I could never imagine telling my husband his kids were not welcome in our home. She was a 6 year old child. I hope you don't have kids with your husband. How would you feel if you got divorced and his new wife kicked your kids to the curb.

Honestly, I'd stay away and support if he wants to visit that he do it alone. They need to rebuild their relationship that you took away from them.

How can you not let a child...your husbands child...into your home?? FOR 11 YEARS????? This really makes me terribly sad.

You sound like my dad's wife. I hate her and will NEVER forgive her for creating a distance between my dad and I: she, like you, did it for selfish reasons, to make life easier for her. This is likely (understandably) how your step daughter feels if you indeed "put a stop" to her coming to your/her dad's house for years.

You are a terrible, selfish person, but your husband is a terrible father, so I guess you deserve each other. I wish you nothing but ill, and I hope you have a crappy Christmas, as your step daughter likely had all those years when you wouldn't let her go to her dad's house.

I'm a big fan of:

"I said and did things in the past that I regret. I'm glad you reached out to us and I hope that we can start from scratch."

Just be nice. She knows you don't love her and didn't wantbher in your life. Maybe start with going to get nails done or something like that if she's into that stuff.
Don't expect a miracle. You cost her 11 years with her dad.
I really hope that you don't have kids with your DH. He sounds like a horrible father.

You don't do this without your husband. You welcome your child into your home and just be nice to her. Make her a part of the family when she is with you. Find out what she likes for breakfast and make family breakfasts together. Include her in any existing family outings or ask her if there is something she would like to do. Watch her favorite tv shows with her.

17 is a hard age and she's reaching out to you and her dad. She is your child or your DHs child depending upon how you look at it. Treat her the way you would want your own children to be treated.

I have a 17 year old step daughter. I married my husband when she was 6 and because of her mother being really mean to me and almost breaking up our marriage I put a stop to step daughter coming to our house. We have seen her less than 10 times int he last 11 years. She has now asked to be in my husbands life and I am trying to find a way to bond with her so we can do family vacations or just have her come to our home. She is s sweet girl but can be a brat sometimes. I hate to admit this and wish I could change it but I don't feel love toward her and wouldn't care if she were not in our lives but I know that DH wants her to be apart of our family. DH has not known is dad and his mother hasn't been a good mother so he had not learned how to be a good father. I always thought if he didn't feel that strong love for his daughter it would be best for her that she stay away. My tune has changed a little since she wants to have a relationship with our family. Please no snark! I know I am cold and don't have much empathy about this situation but this is why I am on her asking for help. I want to remedy this situation.