These posts are 100% DIL crazy.

Is there a pdf or a book that DH could read about this? I'm being serious. DH says he'll let his parents know our plans when they ask, but his parents don't ask either.

omg I can't even get my husband to go over the schedule with his parents politely. Which leads to LOTS of parental anguish over plans they'd made and we aren't showing up. They should know our schedule by now, but they don't (every other year?! It's not that hard).

I completely agree that each spouse (often) is used to their original family's craziness. I sometimes wish all of us who married into the family could collaborate. I think we could take over if we were all in agreement.

The problem is that the spouse is so used to the crazy behavior that it seems normal to them and they just don't get it (at least not for a while). Or, they are so intimidated by their family that they'd rather have you mad at them than their family. In that case, you need to bring the problem to the spouse's attention, and then, if they do nothing, take matters into your own hands. Politely, but firmly. It helps if you don't care what your in-laws think. (I don't).

Well it's not that black and white for me and my DH. He does a really great job, but it's an ongoing issue. It's not just a one time thing that happens and then all the issues are gone. It's honestly an issue about 80% of the time we see his mother. That's down from 100% of the time. I am hopeful the "issues" will get better and better, but it's a multi-progned approach. Some of it is on me (realigning my expectations) and some of it is on her (getting use to having a DIL).

My MIL is a difficult person to be around a lot of the time. Their family had a way of dealing with it which mainly involved some combination of ignoring her and/or walking on eggshells around her. That became a lot harder to do once I was around, because if she was complaining about my DH she was also complaining about ME (ex: you are late, you don't come over enough etc). I didn't think those complaints were valid all the time so I'd stand up for myself, whereas my DH would just IGNORE her. I thought he was being rude. BUT I've learned to just say "talk to DH about that".

ANYHOW. Basically my DH does a great job managing his mother. She's not a fun person to be around, but she is his mother and he loves her. In turn I respect that relationship as much as possible. I do ask that he stands up for US at times, but I also try to step back and let him manage his own relationship with her. It's been years and things are a bit better than when we first got married, but I can't say they are wonderful. I am hopeful they'll get better, but I also know that there is only so good it can get. That's ok.

Just stay home and let spouse face (usually) his parents alone. Just once is enough for spouse to reevaluate the approach.

Anonymous wrote:The flip side is what percentage of these threads would be necessary if dil's didn't view everything through a lens of being "slighted" or view their inlaws as competition. Tolerance and understanding of different family styles and different generations would be a good start---and no I am not a mil. My kids are not even out of high school.

Meh. PP here. Sometimes ILs are the type to try to take advantage. After the 500,000th time, it gets old, KWIM?

The flip side is what percentage of these threads would be necessary if dil's didn't view everything through a lens of being "slighted" or view their inlaws as competition. Tolerance and understanding of different family styles and different generations would be a good start---and no I am not a mil. My kids are not even out of high school.

Anonymous wrote:Agreed, but also, the spouse who has/notices the problem has to take it upon him or herself to:

1) Discuss the problem and possible solutions with their spouse
2) Directly ask the spouse to intervene
3) If the spouse will not do so, take matters into their own hands.

I'm so tired of the DCUM Doormats 'n' Martyrs Club...

I did this, after I got over the initial shock of the crap that the IL's pulled. I think the ILs actually depended on their behavior being shocking, to someone with a totally different background (me). The IL's mistake came when they underestimated me, based on my "niceness". I can be ten times as retaliatory as I am nice. Deal with it.

Yeah, they would have rather heard from DH, but I gave him that chance (more than once) and he failed to take it - so now you have to pay the piper.

Agreed, but also, the spouse who has/notices the problem has to take it upon him or herself to:

1) Discuss the problem and possible solutions with their spouse
2) Directly ask the spouse to intervene
3) If the spouse will not do so, take matters into their own hands.

I'm so tired of the DCUM Doormats 'n' Martyrs Club...

Agreed

Looks like close to 100% from where I stand.

Is there a peace of solid advice someone whose spouse has successfully stepped up could give to everyone struggling to manage a relationship that is primarily spouse's responsibility?