Anonymous wrote:Wow, I'm at the age of 42 and I am still in the circle of hell. My mom demands crazy shit and we adult children cannot escape it. We have tried for the last few years to not let her bad mood control us. I now have teens and they are now they are picking up that my mom is nuts. My 78 year old mom just lost her shit once again because I am bringing extra pies to my sisters house. Yep, God forbid the teenagers have pie they like. She cannot not stand that she has no control over us.

I want for once to have Thanksgiving with my just my kids and spouse.

You could be me. I have always said if a bunch of angry fed up adult kids got together and wrote a book on called THE HOLIDAY OF HELL, it would be a national best seller! Wish I could be put to sleep for the next month and wake up Dec. 26th.

Why do holidays bring out the worst? The grumblers in my family tend to think they're being kind and tolerant all year long, when in reality their indignation is festering. Thanksgiving is like the proving grounds, for everybody else to prove their loyalty. They're thinking to themselves, "Sally wouldn't dare to mess up my Thanksgiving after all this hard work I put in to it, not to mention I acquiesced to eating at Chuck E. Cheese for little Joey's birthday in July, which was a huge compromise on my part." And then, little did you know she's been harboring these simmering feelings, but boom, "Oh no she did NOT just tell me she's going to bring extra pie to MY Thanksgiving. That's it, I've had it!" It doesn't matter what you do or say, the littlest thing gives them the fuel (and the right, in their opinion) to lose their shit. It's like they're hoping for it.

I would like to just wake up for it to be January. I finally this year got to a good place in my head that this is the way we do things, it's just one weekend, the kids will love it etc, and then they throw more crap at us to make it even less enjoyable and I get pissed off all over again.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you just stay home and have the thanksgiving you want? Stop the crazy.

Not everyone is willing to alienate family or miss the good parts of the event. It's not so black and white.

You make your cost-benefit analysis, make your plan, and that's it. Just recognize it is your choice, and no one else can "make" you do anything.

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I'm at the age of 42 and I am still in the circle of hell. My mom demands crazy shit and we adult children cannot escape it. We have tried for the last few years to not let her bad mood control us. I now have teens and they are now they are picking up that my mom is nuts. My 78 year old mom just lost her shit once again because I am bringing extra pies to my sisters house. Yep, God forbid the teenagers have pie they like. She cannot not stand that she has no control over us.

I want for once to have Thanksgiving with my just my kids and spouse.

So do this. It's what we do, and it was a response to a similar dynamic. This is something you can control.

Just remember it in 30 years when you're the controlling, demanding one who misses her family

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you just stay home and have the thanksgiving you want? Stop the crazy.

Not everyone is willing to alienate family or miss the good parts of the event. It's not so black and white.

Decide what you actually want to do, and do it. You are in control of your time, energy and resources.

Anonymous wrote:well, i'm glad you're bringing the pies you want instead of cowtowing to her nonsense. it's hard for old people to realize they're no longer relevant so they get spun up over stupid stuff to have some control over something...anything.

It's kowtow, not "cowtow."

OP, why did you even mention bringing extra pies? If I knew it would upset my mother (and I say this in the limited context of pies - it's ridiculous to get upset about extra pies) I would just show up with them. No need to fight about it for five days.

Anonymous wrote:this post belongs in family relationships, not off-topic.

She may have picked this section for the higher traffic involved.

Anyway, you deserve to spend the holidays in peace. Isn't that the true purpose here...??!

Even though she gave you life, you are not obligated to cater to her demands. Just because someone is a member of your family does not automatically give them a free pass to treat you any less than w/respect.

If she cannot play nice, then let her know that until she does, you would prefer to not be in her company for the holidays for the sake of your family.

Sounds like "tough love," however experiencing the holidays all alone may end up teaching her a very valuable life lesson. (It is never too late to learn another one....)
This may be an eye-opener that her behavior is extremely toxic to those she loves most.

Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you just stay home and have the thanksgiving you want? Stop the crazy.

+1. It starts with you, OP. Do it! You (and your family?) will be happier. If your kids miss grandma, you/ they can see her another day (maybe they can spend a day with her, and you won't have to!).

Why are you evening engaging with her if you know she is going to "lose her shit." Just bring what you want and don't discuses it in advance. If you were truly an "adult" you wouldn't be a party to the argument.

Why don't you just stay home and have the thanksgiving you want? Stop the crazy.

well, i'm glad you're bringing the pies you want instead of cowtowing to her nonsense. it's hard for old people to realize they're no longer relevant so they get spun up over stupid stuff to have some control over something...anything.

Wow, I'm at the age of 42 and I am still in the circle of hell. My mom demands crazy shit and we adult children cannot escape it. We have tried for the last few years to not let her bad mood control us. I now have teens and they are now they are picking up that my mom is nuts. My 78 year old mom just lost her shit once again because I am bringing extra pies to my sisters house. Yep, God forbid the teenagers have pie they like. She cannot not stand that she has no control over us.

I want for once to have Thanksgiving with my just my kids and spouse.