Anonymous
11/21/2015 08:43
Subject: Re:MIL / religion problems
Anonymous wrote:How old are your children?
5 & 6
Anonymous
11/21/2015 07:42
Subject: Re:MIL / religion problems
How old are your children?
Anonymous
11/21/2015 04:55
Subject: MIL / religion problems
I think it's called being an Apathist. Just really don't care about the whole mess. 
Anonymous
11/20/2015 22:19
Subject: MIL / religion problems
This is why people should really Marry someone with the same beliefs. No matter how much you discuss it before hand, once the kids come along things often change and each parent is reticent to give up their beliefs and traditions and whoever loses feels short shifted. This is a pretty major part of a persons life. I think since you married a woman with a religious view and allowed her mother to move in, you need to make peace with it and let it go. The kids will make up their own minds in a few short years.
Anonymous
11/20/2015 22:14
Subject: MIL / religion problems
Anonymous wrote:No, I wouldn't record things! This is a sure-fire way to make everyone feel accused and upset.
I would address this with your DW much more calmly and openly. I'd set a time when both of you are feeling good (no resentment about anything else going on between you) and have a talk about things. Maybe phrase it as, "The kids are getting older, and I think it's important to revisit how we're teaching them about beliefs and what we want to instill in them." Then have a real, open discussion. Listen to her and her beliefs and share yours. Keep MIL out of the discussion until you've come to some shared ground about how you want to be raising the kids. I know you've already discussed this together, but doing it again will be useful. Only after that can you talk about MIL's role in this and how you feel she fits into the picture in terms of helping raise the kids how both of you want.
Personally, I think you may be erring on the side of "I'm an atheist and thus have no beliefs, and my DW has beliefs and is sharing them, but I don't want her sharing them because I have nothing to counteract that with." This is not the right perspective. It's not really fair to ask her not to talk about her beliefs if they are important to you, simply because you feel you have no beliefs. I actually think you're selling your belief system short. I would focus on rephrasing being an atheist as a belief -- an active belief that there is no God. Depending on what you believe exactly, you can interject other things into this belief system -- maybe you believe in the innate goodness of people as individuals or in nature or in science.
Thank you - I'd much prefer to be direct. Surreptitious recording is just not my style. I'll need to think about how to talk about it more, but I like the starter you suggested.
On the latter part, I don't think that really is what's going on. I'm happy for DW to share her beliefs as her beliefs. I actually prefer that the kids not hear only one (my) view of the world. I'd like them to make their minds up for themselves. I've also thought about my own beliefs a lot. I'm not agnostic, because I don't consider that maybe there is / maybe there isn't. I'm not atheist the way you define it because I don't actively believe that there isn't. I just don't think about it or believe one way or the other. It's more that I am perfectly content to not believe or even think about it.
I also don't like putting science on the same playing field as religion because I see the two as very separate. For me, science is about observation and reasoning and religion (faith really) is about belief. I have no problem teaching my kids about science - we have a lot of fun with that.
Anonymous
11/20/2015 22:01
Subject: MIL / religion problems
No, I wouldn't record things! This is a sure-fire way to make everyone feel accused and upset.
I would address this with your DW much more calmly and openly. I'd set a time when both of you are feeling good (no resentment about anything else going on between you) and have a talk about things. Maybe phrase it as, "The kids are getting older, and I think it's important to revisit how we're teaching them about beliefs and what we want to instill in them." Then have a real, open discussion. Listen to her and her beliefs and share yours. Keep MIL out of the discussion until you've come to some shared ground about how you want to be raising the kids. I know you've already discussed this together, but doing it again will be useful. Only after that can you talk about MIL's role in this and how you feel she fits into the picture in terms of helping raise the kids how both of you want.
Personally, I think you may be erring on the side of "I'm an atheist and thus have no beliefs, and my DW has beliefs and is sharing them, but I don't want her sharing them because I have nothing to counteract that with." This is not the right perspective. It's not really fair to ask her not to talk about her beliefs if they are important to you, simply because you feel you have no beliefs. I actually think you're selling your belief system short. I would focus on rephrasing being an atheist as a belief -- an active belief that there is no God. Depending on what you believe exactly, you can interject other things into this belief system -- maybe you believe in the innate goodness of people as individuals or in nature or in science.
I would address this with your DW much more calmly and openly. I'd set a time when both of you are feeling good (no resentment about anything else going on between you) and have a talk about things. Maybe phrase it as, "The kids are getting older, and I think it's important to revisit how we're teaching them about beliefs and what we want to instill in them." Then have a real, open discussion. Listen to her and her beliefs and share yours. Keep MIL out of the discussion until you've come to some shared ground about how you want to be raising the kids. I know you've already discussed this together, but doing it again will be useful. Only after that can you talk about MIL's role in this and how you feel she fits into the picture in terms of helping raise the kids how both of you want.
Personally, I think you may be erring on the side of "I'm an atheist and thus have no beliefs, and my DW has beliefs and is sharing them, but I don't want her sharing them because I have nothing to counteract that with." This is not the right perspective. It's not really fair to ask her not to talk about her beliefs if they are important to you, simply because you feel you have no beliefs. I actually think you're selling your belief system short. I would focus on rephrasing being an atheist as a belief -- an active belief that there is no God. Depending on what you believe exactly, you can interject other things into this belief system -- maybe you believe in the innate goodness of people as individuals or in nature or in science.
Anonymous
11/20/2015 21:44
Subject: MIL / religion problems
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Well, do the kids go to church/ Sunday school? If they do, could this come from that? If not, it can really only be from one source, right?
They rarely go to church (maybe a few times a year), and no Sunday school. DW is more... subtle in her religious expression.
I am PP. It seems you may have your answer, OP. If it bothers you and/ or is in violation of an agreement you and your spouse had regarding religious issues, then you must address it with DW. Maybe MIL has to refrain from all religious 'input,' or maybe she has to move out.
I think that MIL moving out would probably be the right thing for me. I think the kids and DW would be devastated since they are very close, and I don't want to break that personal relationship they have with her.
It's also difficult to discuss that with DW, because she assumes her mother is behaving just like we agreed. It's not like I have nanny-cam type proof of what she says, and I don't want to be that guy.
PP again. You need to be that guy, or live with it. Since you posted, seems like you don't want to live with it.
Yes, that's true, but I also don't want to cause unnecessary drama. I'll try recording a few and bring it up with DW. Maybe if she gets it she can convince her mother to back off.
Anonymous
11/20/2015 21:35
Subject: MIL / religion problems
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Well, do the kids go to church/ Sunday school? If they do, could this come from that? If not, it can really only be from one source, right?
They rarely go to church (maybe a few times a year), and no Sunday school. DW is more... subtle in her religious expression.
I am PP. It seems you may have your answer, OP. If it bothers you and/ or is in violation of an agreement you and your spouse had regarding religious issues, then you must address it with DW. Maybe MIL has to refrain from all religious 'input,' or maybe she has to move out.
I think that MIL moving out would probably be the right thing for me. I think the kids and DW would be devastated since they are very close, and I don't want to break that personal relationship they have with her.
It's also difficult to discuss that with DW, because she assumes her mother is behaving just like we agreed. It's not like I have nanny-cam type proof of what she says, and I don't want to be that guy.
PP again. You need to be that guy, or live with it. Since you posted, seems like you don't want to live with it.
Anonymous
11/20/2015 21:30
Subject: MIL / religion problems
Anonymous wrote:I think it's a relationship/parenting problem. You and your DW have to agree on how to approach how you are going to talk about faith with your kids.
I think it's one thing to say, "Mommy believes that there is a God, and sometime when she's scared at night, she feels better when she talks to God and asks for help. That's called praying."
It's quite another for Grandma to say, "Kids, you need to say your prayers at bedtime every night."
It seems to me to be okay for Grandma to say, "I believe that.." But not okay to speak in absolutes, as if she knows absolute truth. Likewise, it would be totally uncool for you to say, "There's no such thing as God."
So you and your wide agree on basic ground rules about how to discuss religion with the kids? If so, I think you both need to talk openly with MIL about how religion will be discussed in your house. You are introducing and educating, not indoctrinating. If she is going to indoctrinate, I would not let her live with my family, personally.
FYI, you summed up our ground rules pretty well.
Anonymous
11/20/2015 21:29
Subject: MIL / religion problems
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Well, do the kids go to church/ Sunday school? If they do, could this come from that? If not, it can really only be from one source, right?
They rarely go to church (maybe a few times a year), and no Sunday school. DW is more... subtle in her religious expression.
I am PP. It seems you may have your answer, OP. If it bothers you and/ or is in violation of an agreement you and your spouse had regarding religious issues, then you must address it with DW. Maybe MIL has to refrain from all religious 'input,' or maybe she has to move out.
I think that MIL moving out would probably be the right thing for me. I think the kids and DW would be devastated since they are very close, and I don't want to break that personal relationship they have with her.
It's also difficult to discuss that with DW, because she assumes her mother is behaving just like we agreed. It's not like I have nanny-cam type proof of what she says, and I don't want to be that guy.
Anonymous
11/20/2015 21:23
Subject: MIL / religion problems
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Well, do the kids go to church/ Sunday school? If they do, could this come from that? If not, it can really only be from one source, right?
They rarely go to church (maybe a few times a year), and no Sunday school. DW is more... subtle in her religious expression.
I am PP. It seems you may have your answer, OP. If it bothers you and/ or is in violation of an agreement you and your spouse had regarding religious issues, then you must address it with DW. Maybe MIL has to refrain from all religious 'input,' or maybe she has to move out.
Anonymous
11/20/2015 21:22
Subject: MIL / religion problems
I think it's a relationship/parenting problem. You and your DW have to agree on how to approach how you are going to talk about faith with your kids.
I think it's one thing to say, "Mommy believes that there is a God, and sometime when she's scared at night, she feels better when she talks to God and asks for help. That's called praying."
It's quite another for Grandma to say, "Kids, you need to say your prayers at bedtime every night."
It seems to me to be okay for Grandma to say, "I believe that.." But not okay to speak in absolutes, as if she knows absolute truth. Likewise, it would be totally uncool for you to say, "There's no such thing as God."
So you and your wide agree on basic ground rules about how to discuss religion with the kids? If so, I think you both need to talk openly with MIL about how religion will be discussed in your house. You are introducing and educating, not indoctrinating. If she is going to indoctrinate, I would not let her live with my family, personally.
I think it's one thing to say, "Mommy believes that there is a God, and sometime when she's scared at night, she feels better when she talks to God and asks for help. That's called praying."
It's quite another for Grandma to say, "Kids, you need to say your prayers at bedtime every night."
It seems to me to be okay for Grandma to say, "I believe that.." But not okay to speak in absolutes, as if she knows absolute truth. Likewise, it would be totally uncool for you to say, "There's no such thing as God."
So you and your wide agree on basic ground rules about how to discuss religion with the kids? If so, I think you both need to talk openly with MIL about how religion will be discussed in your house. You are introducing and educating, not indoctrinating. If she is going to indoctrinate, I would not let her live with my family, personally.
Anonymous
11/20/2015 21:20
Subject: MIL / religion problems
Anonymous wrote:Well, do the kids go to church/ Sunday school? If they do, could this come from that? If not, it can really only be from one source, right?
They rarely go to church (maybe a few times a year), and no Sunday school. DW is more... subtle in her religious expression.
Anonymous
11/20/2015 21:17
Subject: MIL / religion problems
Well, do the kids go to church/ Sunday school? If they do, could this come from that? If not, it can really only be from one source, right?
Anonymous
11/20/2015 21:16
Subject: MIL / religion problems
My DW and I hold different beliefs, and her mother lives with us. We generally don't have religion issues, but now I'm hearing stuff from the kids that sounds kind of like indoctrination. Like that my beliefs are wrong, and that they have to read bible stories before they go to sleep.
MIL denied it and got very offended the one time I confronted her, and DW told me I was over-reacting. I'm happy for MIL to be who she is around the kids, until it turns into pushing it on them.
I'm not sure how to bring it up with DW without it being an issue. It's hard to teach young kids atheism as a counterbalance, and I don't really want to indoctrinate them in the way I think.
Not sure if this is a vent, request for help, religion problem, or relationship problem.
MIL denied it and got very offended the one time I confronted her, and DW told me I was over-reacting. I'm happy for MIL to be who she is around the kids, until it turns into pushing it on them.
I'm not sure how to bring it up with DW without it being an issue. It's hard to teach young kids atheism as a counterbalance, and I don't really want to indoctrinate them in the way I think.
Not sure if this is a vent, request for help, religion problem, or relationship problem.