My kids are much younger than yours, but I sometimes question myself the way you are, when judging my child against the "norms" that are often expressed.

My mantra for those times is "this is what my child needs". Period. I am trying to be the best parent for my child, not anyone else's or anyone's standards. I have two kids and they need (and tolerate very differently) different parenting approaches.

I find myself making accommodations for one child because that is what I have to do to help him learn and grow and to be the best possible version of himself. Before having him I would have judged my current parenting behavior as perhaps too indulgent, or too permissive, etc... Now I know better. This particular child needs accommodations sometimes. When I set him up for success he does better. Some days he needs very little support, other days he needs more.

Only you know how best to support your daughter. Don't second guess yourself based on other's judgment, ESPECIALLY not the judgment of anonymous strangers who know nothing about you or your child.

You're fine. Don't overanalyze.

OP, you are doing the right thing. I had un-diagnosed ADD growing up as a child, and my mother did everything for me to let me focus on my school work. I got through school with stellar grades and didn't lift a finger at home. I couldn't! My processing speed was so slow that I did homework every waking second.

The upshot of it was that as a young adult I had no clue how to run a household, cook or clean. I had to learn all that when I moved in with my boyfriend

My child has severe ADHD and is on meds for it. I only wish I had had the same treatment at his age!

Anonymous wrote:My 12.5 yr old doesn't have special needs and just yesterday while sitting on her bed I looked around her room and said, "Do you need help?" and she sounded SO relieved as she said, "Yes." I don't know why she couldn't ask me to help, but she hadn't. So I spent an hour fixing her dresser drawers and pointing out things she could pick up, throw away, put on her bookcase, etc. On Wednesday she's going to do her laundry and then we've agreed I'll help her fold and put it away.

Can she do this on her own? Yes. But isn't it nice to get help with what feels like a big project? Yes. I CAN clean my whole house myself. But it's NICE to have help. That's how I view helping her.

I agree.

Sometimes we all need a little help.

My 12.5 yr old doesn't have special needs and just yesterday while sitting on her bed I looked around her room and said, "Do you need help?" and she sounded SO relieved as she said, "Yes." I don't know why she couldn't ask me to help, but she hadn't. So I spent an hour fixing her dresser drawers and pointing out things she could pick up, throw away, put on her bookcase, etc. On Wednesday she's going to do her laundry and then we've agreed I'll help her fold and put it away.

Can she do this on her own? Yes. But isn't it nice to get help with what feels like a big project? Yes. I CAN clean my whole house myself. But it's NICE to have help. That's how I view helping her.

Don' worry, you are fine. You are teaching her that family pitches in when things get tough.

Anonymous wrote:I have learned to be sensitive to periods where the anxiety is building up and view my help as taking steps to help keep the anxiety in check.

We have a young teen dealing with anxiety, and we definitely pick and choose our battles, particularly in regards to housework. Our kids certainly are learning how to do household tasks, but what they do every week (particularly during the busy school year) is limited. You're not alone.

I don't know why you are comparing yourself and your child to this sort of post, but special needs is a broad term. My child absolutely cannot do these things without help and assistance. It's not a vanity project for me to do her laundry. She would love to do it for herself; she can't. She can't physically work the washer and dryer and she can't fold her clothes. So no, I don't begrudge this.

Anonymous wrote:I don't think people were reacting to the actual laundry situation, so much as the attitude the child has that it's mom's job to do all the stuff.
If the child had said "mom, I really need my soccer uniform for tomorrow, but I'm swamped trying to get my report done. Would you please help me out?" than I don't think people would have had a problem with it. (I certainly wouldn't!) Families help each other out. But families also ask nicely and treat each other with respect.

OP here. Yes the mother reported the DD told her it was the mom's job to do the laundry. Not particularly nice, but still sounds to me like a 13.5 teenager (not the nicest age) who seems to be very stressed. I would have said well it's not really my job, but I am happy to help out if you have too much schoolwork to do. When you have a bit of time let's see if we can figure out a plan so your work doesn't take up so much of your time.

Just very surprised at how quickly the OP and PPs of the thread went to such negative labels. How could that possibly be useful?

I don't think people were reacting to the actual laundry situation, so much as the attitude the child has that it's mom's job to do all the stuff.
If the child had said "mom, I really need my soccer uniform for tomorrow, but I'm swamped trying to get my report done. Would you please help me out?" than I don't think people would have had a problem with it. (I certainly wouldn't!) Families help each other out. But families also ask nicely and treat each other with respect.

My kids are much younger, so maybe I'll feel differently in a few years, but -- families help each other out. As long as she knows how to do those things and is learning (better) time management skills, I would do just what you're doing.

How is this any different than pitching in and helping when a spouse is very busy at work and don't have enough time in the day to do all stuff they usually do?

Just doing a reality check--I have a teenager with special needs and at times when she has been overwhelmed I pitch in with doing the daily stuff like laundry and basic room cleaning. When she is not stressed out she does this stuff herself. I have learned to be sensitive to periods where the anxiety is building up and view my help as taking steps to help keep the anxiety in check.

But from a recent thread on Tweens it seems this is very much a minority view--and parents throw around terms like entitled, self-centered, and lacking empathy to describe a teenager who is spending so much time on her schoolwork she barely has time to eat, shower, and sleep and has no screen time and has asked her mother to do her laundry for her (admittedly in perhaps not the nicest way):

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/513213.page

Mine is the one post suggesting that DD's mom make an effort to understand what is going on that schoolwork is taking up her entire day--perhaps an LD, perhaps something else. I think DD is probably very stressed; others think she is a spoiled brat.

Have too many years dealing with two SN kids clouded my judgment?