My kids are really little, but I'll be looking for tips on this. We are super close w/ DH's family, but not with mine, apart from Nana (my mom). Unclear how I want kids to relate to the rest of my family..

I escaped across the Atlantic.

And to immediate PP, is it "lucky" to have to make a new life for oneself and find a job on a different continent, in a different language, and on a visa? I think you mean it's willpower

I envy those of you can physically separate by moving away. A good chunk of my family is local. For me, it has required a lot of therapy to heal decades of wounds. I feel like I'm learning for the first time how to have a healthy and loving relationship with others - something I never witnessed growing up. It used to be that my parents were the severely dysfunctional ones - but my adult siblings have raised the bar and taken the prize. Be aware of the patterns you might fall into because you don't know any different, actively create new patterns for your marriage and children. I manage some interaction with certain family members but I have to actively keep distance from those who are drug abusers and noncompliant with their treatment - funny how they always remember my number when they need something. With my parents, I take them separately in small controlled dosages and it is always on my terms with a lot supervision because they are actually very loving grandparents. But I understand that my priority is protecting my husband and children who do not need to be pulled into the drama and pain. In addition to therapy, create a healthy and supportive group of friends who might not know what its like, but are there for you nonetheless. I grew up keeping many secrets and finally sharing some of my story with others has been a huge source of healing.

Very hard for me to cope in advance since the dysfunctional one is my brother--hostile, unfamiliar with children, liable to talk about ANYTHING (like the Paris attacks, his sex life, whatever) in front of kids--AND my brother, who has moved away, will "pop up" at Thanksgiving or another time. I just try to be courteous and to keep the kids away from him in an unconfrontational way ("Who wants to play hide and seek outside?") This is my intention--like a New Year's resolution, it's hard to keep.
We are with my elderly parents at Thanksgiving. They're local. They bend over backwards for this brother--perhaps because they are scared of his temper; perhaps because they seldom see him; perhaps because he's the youngest. Whatever. I just have to keep my distance or sparks fly (or an entire bonfire of emotions erupts) and that's definitely not good for my kids. Or me. Or my parents. And--this is hard to say--I don't care what my little brother feels by now. He's grown up; he can deal. But I'm praying he stays away even if my mom keeps sighing that she wishes she could have all her children together at Thanksgiving. Sometimes, it's best if wishes don't come true.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Firm boundaries. Nipping problems in the bud the second they start. "Mom, thanks for buying her a gift, but we're REALLY against anything Disney. We do like Calico Critters for her if you want to get something around the same price."

OMG, your parents are dysfunctional because they bought Disney vs. Calico Critters!?! Holy crap, someone needs to look in the mirror!

I have to agree. There is nothing dysfunctional about this. I'm gonna guess your daughter will be posting about her overbearing mom one day.

Anonymous wrote:Firm boundaries. Nipping problems in the bud the second they start. "Mom, thanks for buying her a gift, but we're REALLY against anything Disney. We do like Calico Critters for her if you want to get something around the same price."

Ok, Gwenie.

Anonymous wrote:Firm boundaries. Nipping problems in the bud the second they start. "Mom, thanks for buying her a gift, but we're REALLY against anything Disney. We do like Calico Critters for her if you want to get something around the same price."

OMG, your parents are dysfunctional because they bought Disney vs. Calico Critters!?! Holy crap, someone needs to look in the mirror!

Firm boundaries. Nipping problems in the bud the second they start. "Mom, thanks for buying her a gift, but we're REALLY against anything Disney. We do like Calico Critters for her if you want to get something around the same price."

We moved away. I love my parents but they have a lot of issues. Their life is one big soap opera unfortunately everyone around them ends up getting sucked in.

I keep my children away from them. Though the most interpersonally manipulative one is now dead, but before that I knew he had to be kept away from innocent minds.
For the remaining ones, I craft positive, limited engagements with escape hatches. Sometimes it is best to keep it superficial and with a lot of others around.

Talk to them about it. Then repair them for the family members quirks and how they can properly handle themselves. Tell them what your immediate families beliefs are and that's what goes.

Bump

We live overseas.

Limit contact to less than once per year, and even when visiting, visit briefly and in controlled settings.

Address own issues regarding intimacy/abandonment/rejection/family/home. This is key.

Stay healthy and aware.

Cultivate relationships with stable and loving aunts/uncles/cousins/friends (both older and similarly aged) and encourage bonds between DC and those individuals.

We moved 1000 miles away.

Outside of being estranged, how do you protect your kids from your dysfunctional family members?