Anonymous
Post 11/14/2015 22:44     Subject: Should I tell my brother my true feelings about his boyfriend?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm going to sound like a jerk sister, so let me start by saying my brother and I are close it's just the two of us. I was the first person he came out to and supported him to our very Catholic family.
My brother has not dated much he is very introverted tends to mostly work and keep to himself, but has had a few relationships.
He's been seeing someone since the end of summer, and tonight I finally met him.He did seem like a nice guy, a little awkward and unpolished but nice.
I do have my concerns.
1. There is a 10 year age difference. My brother is 42 and the boyfriend is 32.
2. There is a noticeable difference in looks. My brother is very overweight, thinning hair etc and the boyfriend is not. I'm no supermodel myself. I could stand to lose weight, but my DH and I are physically a match.
3. My brother is more educated than his boyfriend. Significantly so, and is also financially successful think 6 figures.
From what my brother has told me about the boyfriend he has a "colorful" past,and I'm worried he might be using my brother, as I said my brother doesn't have a ton of dating experience.
The boyfriend didn't say anything that jumped out as a red flag just a feeling.

Anyway, he just text me asking what I thought of him. I told him that I thought he was very nice and thanked him for having me and DH over. Was I right to keep my concerns to myself?


My BFF has a similar situation (slightly greater age difference, my friend is the older), and asked me what I thought initially. I said basically the same thing you said, but over time, 2 of your 3 concerns (they are about the same in physical stature) are bothering me, because the income is not changing- in fact, the boyfriend has been indefinitely unemployed since the spring because of medical concerns. He also gave my friend a potentially serious virus (not HIV) that can recur throughout one's life, and my friend downplays this as not a concern (but before this guy, he was never sick a day in his life). And gets offended that I refuse to share soda with him at the movies anymore! I don't want any diseases.

I'd mention concerns (and I have in my own situation).


What disease is this? I'm having a hard time thinking of one that you might contract from him by sharing a soda.


Mono. The boyfriend has a neuromuscular disorder that is related to mono, and gave it to my friend. My friend said he didn't get it from kissing anyone, which turns out to be big fat untrue. The boyfriend's disease is related to mono, and they started kissing around that time.. go figure. But he didn't get it from him!

I'm a germaphobe anyway, and at this point I just don't trust the boyfriend to accurately disclose what he may or may not have, and I don't want anything.


You mean Epstein Barr? Unless you are already immunocompromised, that's generally not considered a serious illness, and it's very rare for it to have life-long complications or for symptoms to recur.
Anonymous
Post 11/14/2015 22:41     Subject: Re: Should I tell my brother my true feelings about his boyfriend?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Don't say anything. I mean, what would you say? "You're too old and fat for him to be attracted to, he must be after your money since you have nothing else to offer"? That is never going to go over well.


Oh god no! I would never say that. I'm his sister so I'm biased, but I think my brother is great catch. He's very successful in his career, highly educated, and a nice guy. I guess I just don't see them fitting together, but they met walking their dogs, so I guess they have that in common.


So if he's a great catch, isn't it possible that his boyfriend sees him the same way? I get that something's rubbing you the wrong way, and that's really hard to sit with, but there's nothing really to say unless you have something more concrete, either in terms of information your brother isn't aware of, or observations that your brother seems unhappy.


Maybe just maybe he genuinely likes your brother. Maybe your brother treats him well compared to those in his "colorful past" whatever that means. Maybe your brother is a little less snotty than you seem to be and doesn't care that he doesn't have a degree or a fancy career or that he isn't "polished".
I wouldn't say anything more than you have unless you have some concrete evidence that he's using your brother.
Anonymous
Post 11/14/2015 22:39     Subject: Should I tell my brother my true feelings about his boyfriend?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm going to sound like a jerk sister, so let me start by saying my brother and I are close it's just the two of us. I was the first person he came out to and supported him to our very Catholic family.
My brother has not dated much he is very introverted tends to mostly work and keep to himself, but has had a few relationships.
He's been seeing someone since the end of summer, and tonight I finally met him.He did seem like a nice guy, a little awkward and unpolished but nice.
I do have my concerns.
1. There is a 10 year age difference. My brother is 42 and the boyfriend is 32.
2. There is a noticeable difference in looks. My brother is very overweight, thinning hair etc and the boyfriend is not. I'm no supermodel myself. I could stand to lose weight, but my DH and I are physically a match.
3. My brother is more educated than his boyfriend. Significantly so, and is also financially successful think 6 figures.
From what my brother has told me about the boyfriend he has a "colorful" past,and I'm worried he might be using my brother, as I said my brother doesn't have a ton of dating experience.
The boyfriend didn't say anything that jumped out as a red flag just a feeling.

Anyway, he just text me asking what I thought of him. I told him that I thought he was very nice and thanked him for having me and DH over. Was I right to keep my concerns to myself?


My BFF has a similar situation (slightly greater age difference, my friend is the older), and asked me what I thought initially. I said basically the same thing you said, but over time, 2 of your 3 concerns (they are about the same in physical stature) are bothering me, because the income is not changing- in fact, the boyfriend has been indefinitely unemployed since the spring because of medical concerns. He also gave my friend a potentially serious virus (not HIV) that can recur throughout one's life, and my friend downplays this as not a concern (but before this guy, he was never sick a day in his life). And gets offended that I refuse to share soda with him at the movies anymore! I don't want any diseases.

I'd mention concerns (and I have in my own situation).


What disease is this? I'm having a hard time thinking of one that you might contract from him by sharing a soda.


Mono. The boyfriend has a neuromuscular disorder that is related to mono, and gave it to my friend. My friend said he didn't get it from kissing anyone, which turns out to be big fat untrue. The boyfriend's disease is related to mono, and they started kissing around that time.. go figure. But he didn't get it from him!

I'm a germaphobe anyway, and at this point I just don't trust the boyfriend to accurately disclose what he may or may not have, and I don't want anything.


Responding to myself- to be clear, he gave my friend mono.
Anonymous
Post 11/14/2015 22:37     Subject: Should I tell my brother my true feelings about his boyfriend?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm going to sound like a jerk sister, so let me start by saying my brother and I are close it's just the two of us. I was the first person he came out to and supported him to our very Catholic family.
My brother has not dated much he is very introverted tends to mostly work and keep to himself, but has had a few relationships.
He's been seeing someone since the end of summer, and tonight I finally met him.He did seem like a nice guy, a little awkward and unpolished but nice.
I do have my concerns.
1. There is a 10 year age difference. My brother is 42 and the boyfriend is 32.
2. There is a noticeable difference in looks. My brother is very overweight, thinning hair etc and the boyfriend is not. I'm no supermodel myself. I could stand to lose weight, but my DH and I are physically a match.
3. My brother is more educated than his boyfriend. Significantly so, and is also financially successful think 6 figures.
From what my brother has told me about the boyfriend he has a "colorful" past,and I'm worried he might be using my brother, as I said my brother doesn't have a ton of dating experience.
The boyfriend didn't say anything that jumped out as a red flag just a feeling.

Anyway, he just text me asking what I thought of him. I told him that I thought he was very nice and thanked him for having me and DH over. Was I right to keep my concerns to myself?


My BFF has a similar situation (slightly greater age difference, my friend is the older), and asked me what I thought initially. I said basically the same thing you said, but over time, 2 of your 3 concerns (they are about the same in physical stature) are bothering me, because the income is not changing- in fact, the boyfriend has been indefinitely unemployed since the spring because of medical concerns. He also gave my friend a potentially serious virus (not HIV) that can recur throughout one's life, and my friend downplays this as not a concern (but before this guy, he was never sick a day in his life). And gets offended that I refuse to share soda with him at the movies anymore! I don't want any diseases.

I'd mention concerns (and I have in my own situation).


What disease is this? I'm having a hard time thinking of one that you might contract from him by sharing a soda.


Mono. The boyfriend has a neuromuscular disorder that is related to mono, and gave it to my friend. My friend said he didn't get it from kissing anyone, which turns out to be big fat untrue. The boyfriend's disease is related to mono, and they started kissing around that time.. go figure. But he didn't get it from him!

I'm a germaphobe anyway, and at this point I just don't trust the boyfriend to accurately disclose what he may or may not have, and I don't want anything.
Anonymous
Post 11/14/2015 22:31     Subject: Should I tell my brother my true feelings about his boyfriend?
I'd wait to see how the relationship evolves.

Anonymous
Post 11/14/2015 22:30     Subject: Re: Should I tell my brother my true feelings about his boyfriend?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Don't say anything. I mean, what would you say? "You're too old and fat for him to be attracted to, he must be after your money since you have nothing else to offer"? That is never going to go over well.


Oh god no! I would never say that. I'm his sister so I'm biased, but I think my brother is great catch. He's very successful in his career, highly educated, and a nice guy. I guess I just don't see them fitting together, but they met walking their dogs, so I guess they have that in common.


So if he's a great catch, isn't it possible that his boyfriend sees him the same way? I get that something's rubbing you the wrong way, and that's really hard to sit with, but there's nothing really to say unless you have something more concrete, either in terms of information your brother isn't aware of, or observations that your brother seems unhappy.
Anonymous
Post 11/14/2015 22:28     Subject: Should I tell my brother my true feelings about his boyfriend?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm going to sound like a jerk sister, so let me start by saying my brother and I are close it's just the two of us. I was the first person he came out to and supported him to our very Catholic family.
My brother has not dated much he is very introverted tends to mostly work and keep to himself, but has had a few relationships.
He's been seeing someone since the end of summer, and tonight I finally met him.He did seem like a nice guy, a little awkward and unpolished but nice.
I do have my concerns.
1. There is a 10 year age difference. My brother is 42 and the boyfriend is 32.
2. There is a noticeable difference in looks. My brother is very overweight, thinning hair etc and the boyfriend is not. I'm no supermodel myself. I could stand to lose weight, but my DH and I are physically a match.
3. My brother is more educated than his boyfriend. Significantly so, and is also financially successful think 6 figures.
From what my brother has told me about the boyfriend he has a "colorful" past,and I'm worried he might be using my brother, as I said my brother doesn't have a ton of dating experience.
The boyfriend didn't say anything that jumped out as a red flag just a feeling.

Anyway, he just text me asking what I thought of him. I told him that I thought he was very nice and thanked him for having me and DH over. Was I right to keep my concerns to myself?


My BFF has a similar situation (slightly greater age difference, my friend is the older), and asked me what I thought initially. I said basically the same thing you said, but over time, 2 of your 3 concerns (they are about the same in physical stature) are bothering me, because the income is not changing- in fact, the boyfriend has been indefinitely unemployed since the spring because of medical concerns. He also gave my friend a potentially serious virus (not HIV) that can recur throughout one's life, and my friend downplays this as not a concern (but before this guy, he was never sick a day in his life). And gets offended that I refuse to share soda with him at the movies anymore! I don't want any diseases.

I'd mention concerns (and I have in my own situation).


What disease is this? I'm having a hard time thinking of one that you might contract from him by sharing a soda.
Anonymous
Post 11/14/2015 22:26     Subject: Re: Should I tell my brother my true feelings about his boyfriend?
Anonymous wrote:Don't say anything. I mean, what would you say? "You're too old and fat for him to be attracted to, he must be after your money since you have nothing else to offer"? That is never going to go over well.


Oh god no! I would never say that. I'm his sister so I'm biased, but I think my brother is great catch. He's very successful in his career, highly educated, and a nice guy. I guess I just don't see them fitting together, but they met walking their dogs, so I guess they have that in common.
Anonymous
Post 11/14/2015 22:19     Subject: Re: Should I tell my brother my true feelings about his boyfriend?
Don't say anything. I mean, what would you say? "You're too old and fat for him to be attracted to, he must be after your money since you have nothing else to offer"? That is never going to go over well.
Anonymous
Post 11/14/2015 22:19     Subject: Should I tell my brother my true feelings about his boyfriend?
I'm totally cool with my brother being gay, so that's not it.
The guys he has dated in the past have been closer to his age, his equal in education and career, and more like us.
The boyfriend hasn't even been to college, though my brother did mention he might be taking classes in the new year.
I guess I'm confused what he sees in him.
My husband didn't say much about it, and kind of rolled his eyes at me when I brought it up. He did talk football with him, so I guess that's a plus.
Anonymous
Post 11/14/2015 22:16     Subject: Should I tell my brother my true feelings about his boyfriend?
Anonymous wrote:I'm going to sound like a jerk sister, so let me start by saying my brother and I are close it's just the two of us. I was the first person he came out to and supported him to our very Catholic family.
My brother has not dated much he is very introverted tends to mostly work and keep to himself, but has had a few relationships.
He's been seeing someone since the end of summer, and tonight I finally met him.He did seem like a nice guy, a little awkward and unpolished but nice.
I do have my concerns.
1. There is a 10 year age difference. My brother is 42 and the boyfriend is 32.
2. There is a noticeable difference in looks. My brother is very overweight, thinning hair etc and the boyfriend is not. I'm no supermodel myself. I could stand to lose weight, but my DH and I are physically a match.
3. My brother is more educated than his boyfriend. Significantly so, and is also financially successful think 6 figures.
From what my brother has told me about the boyfriend he has a "colorful" past,and I'm worried he might be using my brother, as I said my brother doesn't have a ton of dating experience.
The boyfriend didn't say anything that jumped out as a red flag just a feeling.

Anyway, he just text me asking what I thought of him. I told him that I thought he was very nice and thanked him for having me and DH over. Was I right to keep my concerns to myself?


My BFF has a similar situation (slightly greater age difference, my friend is the older), and asked me what I thought initially. I said basically the same thing you said, but over time, 2 of your 3 concerns (they are about the same in physical stature) are bothering me, because the income is not changing- in fact, the boyfriend has been indefinitely unemployed since the spring because of medical concerns. He also gave my friend a potentially serious virus (not HIV) that can recur throughout one's life, and my friend downplays this as not a concern (but before this guy, he was never sick a day in his life). And gets offended that I refuse to share soda with him at the movies anymore! I don't want any diseases.

I'd mention concerns (and I have in my own situation).
Anonymous
Post 11/14/2015 22:13     Subject: Should I tell my brother my true feelings about his boyfriend?
The things you list are all things that your brother knows. I'm assuming that he can put 2 and 2 together as well as you can. Maybe he enjoys having a trophy to show off.

If I were you I would protect my credibility by not questioning the bf's motives unless you have a really good reason to do so.
Anonymous
Post 11/14/2015 22:10     Subject: Should I tell my brother my true feelings about his boyfriend?

Would your feelings be different if your brother were dating a beautiful young woman who happens to be less educated than he? Who would then proceed to stay at home and care for the house and children and make him happy?

I am that wife, to my husband (minus the beautiful part - DH thinks I'm cute though!). I am 19 years his junior, am an academic lightweight compared to him with my puny Master's degree, and I stay home with the kids! And guess what? I have way more common sense than DH, run the household and schedule, and make him happy.

So yes, please keep you opinion to yourself until you have tangible proof that something is afoot.



Anonymous
Post 11/14/2015 22:08     Subject: Re: Should I tell my brother my true feelings about his boyfriend?
You don't have anything concrete. I mean what are you going to say? Gee, he's much better looking than you. And 10 years really isn't significant at those ages. It is t 22 and 32. I think you. We'd to spend more time with them before you can judge. What did your DH say?
Anonymous
Post 11/14/2015 22:03     Subject: Should I tell my brother my true feelings about his boyfriend?
I'm going to sound like a jerk sister, so let me start by saying my brother and I are close it's just the two of us. I was the first person he came out to and supported him to our very Catholic family.
My brother has not dated much he is very introverted tends to mostly work and keep to himself, but has had a few relationships.
He's been seeing someone since the end of summer, and tonight I finally met him.He did seem like a nice guy, a little awkward and unpolished but nice.
I do have my concerns.
1. There is a 10 year age difference. My brother is 42 and the boyfriend is 32.
2. There is a noticeable difference in looks. My brother is very overweight, thinning hair etc and the boyfriend is not. I'm no supermodel myself. I could stand to lose weight, but my DH and I are physically a match.
3. My brother is more educated than his boyfriend. Significantly so, and is also financially successful think 6 figures.
From what my brother has told me about the boyfriend he has a "colorful" past,and I'm worried he might be using my brother, as I said my brother doesn't have a ton of dating experience.
The boyfriend didn't say anything that jumped out as a red flag just a feeling.

Anyway, he just text me asking what I thought of him. I told him that I thought he was very nice and thanked him for having me and DH over. Was I right to keep my concerns to myself?