Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not miss holiday drama at all.

No one will be happy. It ruins everything.

How did you eliminate it? Inquiring minds to know.

NP, but for us eliminating drama around holiday visits was simply finding a compromise that worked for the two of us as a couple, and then standing united in that decision even when other family got upset. They can get upset, but that doesn't mean we have to go on their trip.

In this case, I think OP and her husband should consider switching off years when they get to choose what to do that stays consistent with the current alternation (since OP's family is synced up to this alternation, and that's a significant consideration for me). This year is an exception due to how pregnant OP will be, they're staying home but still giving OP's in-laws an opportunity to come up for Christmas; if the in-laws are unwilling to adapt in light of extenuating circumstances, that's on them, not OP and her husband. Next year it's OP's turn to choose. She can choose to visit her family, or have Christmas at home. 2017 is OP's husband's turn again, and he can choose taking the family to visit his parents, or staying home.

Anonymous wrote:I do not miss holiday drama at all.

No one will be happy. It ruins everything.

How did you eliminate it? Inquiring minds to know.

Anonymous wrote:I think your solution makes sense if you have siblings with whom you need to synchronize for your parents' Christmas year.

However, as PP said, maybe this is too much for DH to accept at one time. Perhaps just agree to stay home this year.

And know that being fair does not equal everyone getting a turn! Just as you don't treat your children equally, yet you try to be fair to each of them. This is something people have a hard time understanding, but it's wise and true.

I 100% understand that fair does not mean equal automatically, but I guess when it comes to holidays, I don't really see how there are other "fair" options than to give turns? I just don't know another solution that seems as fair. NP here.

Anonymous wrote:Op, take one holiday at a time. You are going to drive everyone insane otherwise.

Yes. Deal with this year now. Say you'll deal with next year when it comes.

I do not miss holiday drama at all.

No one will be happy. It ruins everything.

Anonymous wrote:I think you go with your plan this year and make no promises for next year. And make that clear. No strings attached on either side

I think with so many little kids, I would not be traveling for holidays for a while. Too much stress for me. You are a trooper op!

I like this a lot.

I think you go with your plan this year and make no promises for next year. And make that clear. No strings attached on either side

I think with so many little kids, I would not be traveling for holidays for a while. Too much stress for me. You are a trooper op!

I think your solution makes sense if you have siblings with whom you need to synchronize for your parents' Christmas year.

However, as PP said, maybe this is too much for DH to accept at one time. Perhaps just agree to stay home this year.

And know that being fair does not equal everyone getting a turn! Just as you don't treat your children equally, yet you try to be fair to each of them. This is something people have a hard time understanding, but it's wise and true.

Op, take one holiday at a time. You are going to drive everyone insane otherwise.

OP here. The problem is that DH doesn't necessarily want to stay at home for Christmases. This year, yes, due to the pregnancy, but his feeling is that if his parents refuse to come up for Christmas, we should travel to them. I feel very strongly about staying put for a few years to make memories in our house. His parents (and brother, who is traveling down there for Christmas this year rather than staying up here) just don't want to change up their tradition either.

I think your solution is fair. I would use your pregnancy as the excuse since you're 7.5 months.

Just decline their solution and say that it puts you out of sync with your family.

Tell his parents & brother that you would love to see them if they want to come up on the 26th, but no pressure. They shouldn't feel that they are disappointing you/anyone if they don't. Tell them you know you will want to be spending some future Christmases in your own home so you don't want to ask more of them than you can reciprocate.

All this bean-counting and obsession over scheduling is making my head spin.

Once tue kids were in the prime Santa years, we stopped travelling and did Christmas Eve/morning in our own house.

I think it's kind of unreasonable all around. Since his brother is local and you're pregnant and have two little ones, I think it's really a fine request to stay home this year and celebrate in your own home. I don't think they get a "stipulation" clause -- you invited them, they declined, it's their loss.

However, your parents are local, so you see them all the time, and presumably they'll see their grandchild a lot. So it doesn't seem unreasonable that you'd rotate back to your husband's family next year. But are you saying you have other out of state siblings that all sync-up on off years when you're there? If so, I can see staying to your current schedule. But if not, I do think you should go back to your DH's family next year, just out of deference since they see you less often than you see your local family.

That said, there's a LOT to be said for changing traditions as your family grows. I think it's a good idea to consider having Christmas at home now that you have 3 of your own and want to build your own traditions in your own home.

I'll go ahead and throw my dilemma on the DCUM pile and try to crowdsource an answer. We've split Christmas between our two families for the past 8 years. His parents (whom I love) live about 6.5 hours away; my parents are local. I would like to spend this Christmas at our own house even though it is a travel year because it is our first Christmas in our new house, and I will be 7.5 months pregnant with our third baby (other kids are 4.5 and 2.5). DH agrees with me on this. He told his parents about it-we invited them up to stay for the whole holiday (Xmas eve, day, etc). DH's brother is also local in Arlington. His parents and brother declined to do this; they will have their regular Christmas at home, then come up on the 26th, like they do when it's my parents' turn to host. HOWEVER, their stipulation is that next year we travel to them. I cannot agree to that-that is my family's year, and I'd be missing the holiday with my parents, my sister and her family, and my brother. I also would like to spend another Christmas in our own house-although DH grew up traveling every single Christmas, all of my Christmases were in my own house, and we'd like our kids to experience both.

DH says he sees his parents' point-they don't want to wait until Christmas of 2017 to have us all back to their house. However, as I said, going down there for Christmas 2016 will totally put us out of sync with the rest of my family, which I don't think is fair to me or my kids. My solution is that for the next 2 Christmases (2015/2016), we stay put in our own house. This Christmas we give his parents rights of first refusal. Next year, my parents get it (although they are local, we always go to their house to stay over on Xmas eve). My sister, parents, and brother can all choose whether they'd like to come to our place for 2016 Xmas eve/morning and dinner, or stay at my parents' house instead. Then 2017, a travel year, we would go back down to my in-laws.

Because this is an emotionally-fraught topic, my DH and I are butting heads. I love his parents almost as much as mine, and would really like to find a workable solution. Do you think mine is fair? If not, what seems fair to you? Thanks if you are still reading and sorry it's so long!