Have you talked to your mom at all about how she's feeling about Thanksgiving? If she's in the middle of chemo, she may not be up to doing Thanksgiving at all, and might appreciate having the pressure off.

Easy. Spend it with your mom. Regardless if it is her last or not, she is most definitely having a hard time and needs her family, especially on holidays. Your in-laws should understand and if they don't, oh well. Sorry your mom is sick!

So? You are going to your mom's house because you think it is her last Thanksgiving... does she think it is her last Thanksgiving? That would feel really creepy to me unless the doctor had told me you have 3 months to live, which I suspect he did not.

Unless everybody is certain this is the LAST Thanksgiving I think it is a little dramatic to give you mom the message that you think she is dying... especially if she does not think she is dying.

I would do Thanksgiving as planned, I suspect if you do Thanksgiving with his family you will do Xmas with yours.

What are your plans for Christmas?

Personally, I would spend Thanksgiving with my mom in this scenario, even if the prognosis was excellent, just because of how scary the situation would be for her.

Anonymous wrote:I think it matters HOW sick she is. My FIL has some form on lymphoma that does not result in imminent death. He is not in chemo or anything and is living a normal life. He has been told he probably has 10 years. So no, his cancer is not a trump card for him to demand our presence whenever he wants.

Way to project. OP didn't say anything about her mother asking for anything.

OP, I would definitely err on the side of spending extra time with your mom. Even if her cancer is slow-moving or curable or whatever, going through cancer is usually difficult and always scary. I hope that your MIL would understand that and know that you would/will show her the same compassion when she has a health crisis.

Good luck.

Yeah, there are a lot of variables, some more important than others, some more intrusive than others, some harder to think about:

- how sick is she? Could this really be her last, or are you being overly dramatic?
- what's the geographic split?
- when you don't go, who does she spend Thanksgiving with? Will she be alone? (so maybe this won't be her last T-giving, but she's newly diagnosed and scared and shouldn't be alone).
- Can you split up? You go to Mom, DH and DD go to inlaws?
- do you split Christmas too, and will you do the same thing - sorry inlaws, mom is sick can't be with you? And easter? And summer? and next T-giving? Etc.

Etc. What's the full picture? Figure out the balance and plan accordingly.

Anonymous wrote:I think it matters HOW sick she is. My FIL has some form on lymphoma that does not result in imminent death. He is not in chemo or anything and is living a normal life. He has been told he probably has 10 years. So no, his cancer is not a trump card for him to demand our presence whenever he wants.

+1. Obviously if she's been given a life expectancy of less than a year, go spend the holiday with your mom. If we're talking about stage one breast cancer, which has a nearly 100% five-year survival rate, and the "who knows if this will be her last Thanksgiving" is equally applicable to anyone in either family who could be hit by a car the day after Thanksgiving, I lean toward keeping the original plan. Then there's a whole range in the middle where it's more of a judgment call. Obviously something like cancer will make you want more togetherness with your mom, but if it's the kind of thing where year after year you end up saying "this could be her last Thanksgiving" in order to spend it with her instead of her in-laws, not only is that unfair to your husband and his family, but it also will make people take you less seriously if things get worse down the road and you really are facing a "this could be her last Thanksgiving" situation.

I think it matters HOW sick she is. My FIL has some form on lymphoma that does not result in imminent death. He is not in chemo or anything and is living a normal life. He has been told he probably has 10 years. So no, his cancer is not a trump card for him to demand our presence whenever he wants.

What does your DH think?

I'd also ask about geography, does everyone live close together?

I'm sorry your mom is sick.

You need to be with your mom. Even if she recovers and it's not her last Thanksgiving (hopefully it won't be!), she needs you to help reduce her stress. She probably also needs a morale boost. The holidays can be depressing, especially if you're ill.

Do Thanksgiving with your mom, FOR SURE. And do not back down on this.

*But,* plan a "post-" or "pre-Thanksgiving" with your in-laws, maybe at your house so you don't have to travel and get more stressed. Keep that low-key and very simple; you don't have to have "Thanksgiving" food, it's just a time to get together with that side of the family.

I hope your mom recovers, and that you are able to relax and enjoy some time together.

Mom, then do a second one later with In-laws. They should not even expect you to choose.

Does your MIL know your mom has cancer?
yes you should do Thanksgiving with your mom this year.

Whats the geography? Any way to split the difference? How sick is your mom?

If there was a pretty good chance it was my mom's last Thanksgiving there is no way I would miss it.

Hello everyone. So since I've been married my husband and I always alternate which side of the family we'll spend the holidays. Last year we spent Thanksgiving with my side of the family so which typically would be the year to spend with his side. Well that would be all well and good but my mother was diagnosed with cancer in June and who knows if this will be our last Thanksgiving together. My MIL has asked me to cook greens this year and I know she's probably expecting for us to be there for Thanksgiving this year. How do I make this decide??? It's stressful enough just knowing that everyday my mom is still here is a blessing, I'd hate to miss Thanksgiving with her. My MIL probably hasnt thought it through, she just wants to see us and our daughter for the holidays. Suggestions please!