Sailing! My husband has sailed his whole life and says many people who sail are total weirdos and very snobby but he didn't realize this until he was an adult. He doesn't want our kids to it.

Come on people. The particular of what sport it is doesn't matter. OP is being left out for class reasons, but her kids are not.

OP, is this the ONLY area where the class differences between you and inlaws have arisen? How do those get navigated?

Are they going to tell your kids you taught them wrong if you do the seasonal approach?

Where is your spouse in all this?

Anonymous wrote:I don't think the specific sport matters. My question is about the behavior of my inlaws surrounding this activity.

Okay, but nobody can really offer advice about how you can protect your kids from becoming "those" kinds of people without knowing a little but more about it. How could they mock you, for example, if you never actually participated with them?

Regardless, you are the primary influence on your children, and should feel confident that they will be able to see the shallowness of others around them. I do think it might be good for you to advocate for yourself a little bit if you'd like to join in the sport. "It's great that you're taking Larla and Larlo to the polo field again! Mind if I come along? I'd love to whack the old ball around again."

Anonymous wrote:Sailing? Equestrian? I'm thinking sailing because you say "seasonal"

I'd separate whatever odd dynamic you have with your IL's and an inferiority complex from their relationship with their grandchildren. View the activity as any other time would be spent with them. If you want to teach them to sail, so be it. But keep the kids out of the social status drama (which sounds really immature)

The relatives do sound like they have an inferiority complex.

It is weird for them to exclude you. Is it possible to act somewhat oblivious and assume any invitation to your children is for the whole family? And just go along? Or would that be just way too weird? (Forgetting the fact that it is weird in the first place for them to not invite you, of course!)

Can you work into a conversation intelligent discussion of your own experiences with the sport? I agree that this is all pretty rude of them, especially if it's been going on for ten years. Hope you find a good way to deal with this, OP.

I think it's fine if you teach your children the basics and as much as you want actually. Just say that you enjoy this too and want to teach your kids. Accept some of the invites from Inlaws for the kids but not all. Your lack of relationship with them (whoever doing) should not impact their relationship with the relatives.

Sailing? Equestrian? I'm thinking sailing because you say "seasonal"

I'd separate whatever odd dynamic you have with your IL's and an inferiority complex from their relationship with their grandchildren. View the activity as any other time would be spent with them. If you want to teach them to sail, so be it. But keep the kids out of the social status drama (which sounds really immature)

Anonymous wrote:Maybe croquet?

Bullying via croquet. LOL.

Anonymous wrote:Is X a dirty activity ? I don't get the secretive posting.

Golf
Horseback riding

These two are expensive hobbies

Sailing?

I don't think the specific sport matters. My question is about the behavior of my inlaws surrounding this activity.

So odd that you won't mention the hobby. Golf? Sailing? Potentially dangerous? Scuba diving? Formula One racing?

Teach your kids the hobby your way, and enjoy it with them. I would not forbid them from doing it with the in-laws, as they seem like the kind of people to try to twist your objections against you.

Maybe croquet?

Is X a dirty activity ? I don't get the secretive posting.

Golf
Horseback riding

These two are expensive hobbies

Everyone's going to pressure you to name the hobby. Might as well do it now to spare us two pages of requests!

let's say your inlaws were particularly snobby about a hobby that is already up there on the snobbiness scale. Pick whatever you want.

They are snobby to the point of appearing very casual about this sport.

Let's say you were not particularly fanatic about it, but had a longterm exposure to this sport growing up yourself, and are not only competent but enjoy it thoroughly. You were taught through people who genuinely cared about it but were never part of the elite social scene, and you honestly never knew that it was a sport that could be such a status marker. the people you knew were just in it for the love of it, and were sometimes working two jobs to stay involved, but not to flaunt their wealth or hang about in fancy spots. etc.

Over the course of nearly a decade, you are never invited, to participate in this activity, and are graceful about it. Actually, you are invited once, and openly mocked, and left behind before you can even join. Its not something where you can just join in yourself, it requires something of an invitation to participate, or your own independent access to such a place. (My family had piecemealed all of this together in something of an embarrasing way, I now realize. )

Then you have a few children and the inlaws are all about indoctrinating them to this thing, their way, and in a stunning show, are still not interested in having you join. As in they say repeatedly, "let me take your children and for x, it will be great", without ever extending an invitation to you.

For the first time, this feels extremely uncomfortable to me, almost as a form of bullying. I am thinking of writing them a letter that says, sorry, this is uncomfortable, [please do not invite our children to participate without making it more of a family activity. But even beyond that, I'm so struck by this behavior that I want to discourage the sport, which tears me up slightly. My major concern is what if they teach my children to act this way?! My second is that it sends some weird message for all of these extended relatives to do something with my children but continually exclude me. I realize that has the capacity to sound like sour grapes, but its not. I wouldn't have lasted a decade without this issue rearing its head. I was busy with my own life, and paid little attention to their pettiness. And thirdly, it is also dangerous, so I am also concerned from that angle.

My other idea, is to do it on a seasonal basis, without too much emphasis, so that my children learn the basics with me, and then we just limit exposure to the in laws tremendously. We don't mix in their circles anyway, so it is not as if at some point it would be weird for us to not do this with them. Then I can sort of make some memories with my children in a more objective setting, and I don't need to worry about any of their nonsense.

I realize this might sound ridiculous or petty, but I am looking for recommendations.

Do I say anything to them? Or just go ahead with my plan.

Have at it. I am expecting the most ridiculous DCUM has to offer. Hoping for one or two genuine ones.