I'm sorry OP. I would be mad as well, and definitely wouldn't let it slide. It sounds like she may have felt embarrassed when you told her her breath stinks; I know my daughter would have. I try to find out if that was the root for her anger. I would tell her it is never okay for her to call you names. Then I would have her write me a list of three appropriate responses or ways to address me when I tell her something that she doesn't agree with or hurts her feelings. I would go over the list with her, talk about my role as her mother (to be shown respect and tell her when her hygiene is lacking), and hug it out. I wouldn't cancel the play date. Good luck.

don't cancel the playdate for that.

But perhaps you also were not careful about how you sounded when you told her her breath stinks?

My daughter sometimes has stinky breath and I'm very careful about it, because I had a mom always noticing my flaws and it made me very self-conscious to this day. I don't tell her her breath stinks, but focus on making sure she knows to brush teeth morning and evening. If she's doing that and still has stinky breath, it could be a diet thing or other issue, which is up to the parents to explore. I think this is an age for girls when moms need to be very careful about the way in which they talk to their daughters about their appearance.

I wouldn't make a big deal out of the "jerk" thing. I'd just make sure that she knows that while it is okay to say that she is very angry with you about something, (in fact it's good if she can tell you she's angry), it is never okay to call you names.
I actually think making too much of a big deal out of it can backfire. I'd focus on talking to her about finding a different way to express her anger. (And before people start saying this is too lenient, try it! You will see that kids hate this kind of lecture and will eagerly change their behavior to avoid them!)

Anonymous wrote:I have a 10 yr old DS, and boys can be just as mouthy. I think it's a personality thing.

A 10 min time out for a 10 yr old? That deserves an eye roll, too.

I would not necessarily cancel the playdate (because I wouldn't want to punish the anxiety-riddled child), but I would make my DD write me a letter of apology indicating why it was wrong to call me a jerk. If DD refused, then I'd take away a future privilege - no more playdates, for example.

As I said, my DS is mouthy (and I was, too), but I would never not address my 10 yr old calling a parent names. Wow. That's just ... so wrong on so many levels.

Time outs still work for older kids. It's the modern version of "go to your room." I prefer time-outs on the couch because my kids have stuff to do in their rooms, and sitting on the couch and doing nothing is super boring. If you think 10 minutes is too little, try 20 minutes or 30 minutes. It's awful. My mom used to do that to us when we fought and it was the worst.

I would never force a kid to write a letter of apology. You're setting up a huge battle, as you know. You're also asking the kid to do something and say something that they don't really believe in. They still think you are a jerk. They aren't really sorry. It's not honest.

OP - I would make it very clear that while your daughter can comment on what she is being told to do or not allowed to do, that disrespect of parents will not be tolerated in your home. I think taking away something she likes to do for the weekend is a good idea. It is important for her to learn to control "her mouth" sooner than later. Be firm now and it will be easier than trying to play catch-up at at 13.

My child would have to apologize profusely and sincerely in front of all the family, and would definitely not have any fun things to do this weekend.

I'd give a consequence like take away tv/tablet time for a day or two. Normal, yes... ok, no. I would not cancel for the other child.

I have a 10 yr old DS, and boys can be just as mouthy. I think it's a personality thing.

A 10 min time out for a 10 yr old? That deserves an eye roll, too.

I would not necessarily cancel the playdate (because I wouldn't want to punish the anxiety-riddled child), but I would make my DD write me a letter of apology indicating why it was wrong to call me a jerk. If DD refused, then I'd take away a future privilege - no more playdates, for example.

As I said, my DS is mouthy (and I was, too), but I would never not address my 10 yr old calling a parent names. Wow. That's just ... so wrong on so many levels.

Anonymous wrote:I would advise you to figure out how to lovingly connect with your daughter rather than figuring out how to punish her.

GTFO

Anonymous wrote:I would advise you to figure out how to lovingly connect with your daughter rather than figuring out how to punish her.

I have never used the eye roll, but damn this deserves one.

I have a 10 year old DS, not DD but I think maybe sometimes girls are more "mouthy" at that age? Not sure. I understand why you'd be upset. I would be livid as well if DS said that to me. I'm strict on attitude though so I definitely would not allow her to goto friend's house. I say this bc it sounds like this is the first time she's actually called you a name and I think you should show her how unacceptable that is. Otherwise you'll be dealing with this for the next 8 years!

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't let her go to the friend's house after that...

I would, after a time-out.

I would advise you to figure out how to lovingly connect with your daughter rather than figuring out how to punish her.

I wouldn't let her go to the friend's house after that...

Some kids are more mouthy than others. One of my kids was pretty mouthy.

Something like that would get this response from me: "That was entirely uncalled for. You may not like being told what to do, but it is out of line to call me 'a jerk" when I am trying to help you when your breath stinks. You shouldn't talk to me like that anyway. I am your mother. You should not talk to any adults like that. It's rude. You need a time out, so go sit on the couch for 10 minutes. When you're done, brush your teeth because your breath stinks."

Is this normal? I am livid. I don't want to overreact but I never talked to my mom like this. FYI this came about because she did not brush her teeth and her breath smelled bad. She is about to visit a friend so my purpose is to be helpful. What to do? She is way to old to spank and I tried the I am cancelling get together--got a whatever back. I am reluctant to cancel because this child is an only child with some anxiety and I don't want to cause her family problems.