Wow, I could have written half the posts here. My parents are suffering from RB- Retirement Boredom. Now that they are retired, are they taking on new hobbies, exercising, traveling the world, volunteering with an organization or joining a local civic association to make the world a better place in their final golden years? Doing things that can bring more joy into their lives or a new healthy outlook? No way! Those precious final years are spent mostly in front of the TV watching cable news while insisting they are too busy to do anything else. They too have always been very negative and fearful of everything. I could win the lotto and take everyone in the family to a 5 star resort in Hawaii and they'd have something negative to say. What is most amazing is that they are very comfortable in their retirement and really have nothing to complain about-- both are healthy, have great pensions, live where they want to live, have good friends nearby who they go out to dinner with on a regular basis... and they still have a lot of negative things to say. One would think they lived in Nazi-occupied Europe in fear of being shot with the way they talk about the world and all that's wrong with it.

Right there with you, OP. Don't know what else to offer in terms of advice other than to limit phone calls to a few minutes-- great idea from PP about calling/answering their calls when you are really busy. Having kids makes it harder because such grandparents usually want to visit as much as possible all while you're trying to limit contact for your own sanity and of course, you don't want to get into the whole denying-them-their-grandchildren scenario because it's not like they're bad people-- they're just MISERABLE TO BE AROUND and see absolutely nothing wrong with their behavior. I too can't tell them anything personal without it being turned into a weapon against me or being criticized. My mother practically foams at the mouth waiting for me to say something negative about my life and fishes for it every time we talk during one of her depositions which usually amount to a series of yes/no questions about my life/family/job/where we live.

I've learned it truly is best to stick to topics of conversation mostly reserved for neighbors you sort-of know, i.e. the weather, a new restaurant in town and large news events (avoid politics at all cost). And just accept this is how they are and that they are nothing like a fine wine- they will not get better with age.

You get off the phone. Don't answer the phone when you've got eons of time, pick up when you know you've only 15 minutes. Call them back when you've got only 15 minutes.

This is why I can call my mother several times a week with ease, but can only stand to see her in person once a year - because she's very negative and doesn't know when to stop! My father, through decades of living with her, thinks negatively too, but is much more rational, so I can handle him. My mother can be cruel and is always irrational and highly emotional. There is just no arguing with her, unless you want to reduce her to a screaming heap of victimhood.

So limit contact, OP. It's all you can do.

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, my mom is the same way and the same age. She's also easily offended. I don't ever attempt to have a real conversation with her. It's exhausting and it never ends. I've tried a million different way to redirect, correct, be a positive example, etc., and the ONLY thing that works is getting up busying myself in the kitchen or as far away as is polite and then I pretend I don't hear her inane comments and questions.

Yes, this is it. Shopping used to be our go-to activity, but I have a bunch of small children right now, so no time or interest in trying on clothes for hours on end.

Anonymous wrote:You will appreciate them more only after you've set firm boundaries with them. Yes, their feelings will be hurt but eventually you will be able to have a relationship with them where you can relate from a place of strength and love.

Btw, you didn't have to justify your position to your mom (eg explaining how long do had been in that job). All you had to do was tell her to stop it and that you didn't want to hear it anymore.

OP here. I've been doing this ... It has been a process over the last 20 years after I decided against cutting them out of my life.

The problem is that whenever I relax my vigilance even a little, something like this happens. We were having a nice phone conversation, and it was like she saw an "opening" to lob a conversational bomb. It makes me sad that in fact I can't really have a relationship with them beyond very lengthy, fortified, constantly-monitored boundaries. My kids love them. So that's good, I guess.

You're right, I didn't need to justify it, and I might have been trying to hurt her feelings a little bit by pointing out that she was coming from a place of total ignorance on the topic rather than being "the voice of reason and wisdom" she considers herself. That's another reason I feel so crummy about the way I handled it.

You will appreciate them more only after you've set firm boundaries with them. Yes, their feelings will be hurt but eventually you will be able to have a relationship with them where you can relate from a place of strength and love.

Btw, you didn't have to justify your position to your mom (eg explaining how long do had been in that job). All you had to do was tell her to stop it and that you didn't want to hear it anymore.

Ugh, my mom is the same way and the same age. She's also easily offended. I don't ever attempt to have a real conversation with her. It's exhausting and it never ends. I've tried a million different way to redirect, correct, be a positive example, etc., and the ONLY thing that works is getting up busying myself in the kitchen or as far away as is polite and then I pretend I don't hear her inane comments and questions.

I deal with the "Death of a Thousand Questions" a lot from my parents. It's a mistake to think that there is an answer to the questions, because they are not asking for information. Like a deposition, the point is to "make their case" that you are doing something wrong.

It's a mistake to think that you can give the right or reasonable answer and this will just peter out.

You need to shut it down. "What an interesting question. I wonder why your mind would even go there."

Eh. I'm a big fan of refusing to argue after I shut down an argument. "Mom, John and I don't want to hear your negativity. We're not going to argue with you about his job. Please drop it." and then just repeat "We're not going to argue with you," and "We don't want to hear your negative comments" over and over as necessary.

Don't worry about hurting her feelings once.

They're toxic. Set boundaries and keep healthy people around you.

You won't have them around much longer. Be gentle. You'll regret it later if you're not.

They have narcissist personality disorder. Read a self help book it will help.

Limit contact. The less you share with them, the less they can criticize.

You did the right thing.

Someone's goingbto have hurt feelings. Why should it be you? Continuosly redirecting is a good strategy.

In recent years, I have realized that my parents' #1 way of interacting with the world is to look for flaws. So, if you announce that you're looking for a new home, my mom will ask ridiculous numbers of questions about potential pit-falls you might not have thought of yet (every time you talk to her until you move in). Or, if you say you got a promotion at work, my dad will make a "funny" comment designed to cut you down to size. They like to gossip and present negative information, and dig for it on other people. It's exhausting, and I try to just blow it off. It took my 3/4 of my 43 years to outgrow this same behavior and realize how much better life is when you don't think you're better than everyone else for no good reason ...

Anyway, my mom started in on my husband today, criticizing things he's said about his job. She clearly wanted me to agree that he was jeopardizing his position. When she wouldn't drop it, I told her that he had been in that job for a long time, and she really didn't have any basis for her critique, and that she should just drop it. She was clearly miffed, and I now feel bad for hurting her feelings. I could have handled it more deftly, I guess, but I did the right thing, right? I was not going to be dragged into a conversational hit on my husband!

I am just so tired of this. How can I redirect them to less negative conversational tactics? They are in their early 70s.