OP here. Sister has kids also. FWIW, she has not said one word of this to me. It's all come thru my mom, and again, not in plain words.

And I'm not playing dumb now that my mom has inferred all of this. Before I really didn't know. My sister and I are not super close. But my kids and her kids adore each other - I think they all behave fine.

Anonymous wrote:
There are so many options here to get the family together, as PPs mentioned, but I would not implement a single one if neither my sister nor my mother was courteous enough to tell me plainly what the problem was!

I think they are all being very disrespectful, frankly. They expect you to divine what the problem is, feel guilty for not having guessed it years before, then scuttle away out of sight? Ridiculous.

So call up your sister and ask directly. you can then suggest different solutions to stay all together at Christmas.

See, it sounds to me like OP's sister has told her what she wants. But rather than engaging with her (because OP doesn't want to change anything), OP is basically playing dumb and refusing to respond substantively unless someone forces her to. But then OP paints herself as a victim because her sister won't actually tell her she's upset with OP's behavior, when OP is being at least as passive aggressive by refusing to engage.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I could and would be happy to host. My offer has been declined. I would like my children to spend Christmas with their grandparents.

This is hard, OP. And it sounds like you have a few different things you need to work out. Talk with your mom and maybe your sister. Is it that they don't want to spend Christmas with you and your spouse and kids, or that they don't like the cramped quarters? If the latter, then offer to stay in a hotel, or even you and DH stay in a hotel but one night your kids stay the night in the house with their grandparents. If it's the former, that's tough since it means that your desires for Christmas just don't line up with those of your parents or sister.

Does your sister have kids? If not, how does she feel about your's? Even if she loves them, could she want an "adult" Christmas that doesn't feel as if it's built around your little ones? Or, is she/has she has fertility issues and simply being around your kids is hard? Or, and this can be tough to admit, are you or your immediate family challenging in anyway (bratty kids, hard-drinking DH, etc)?

I understand that you want to spend Christmas with your family if you can, but everyone needs to be able to communicate what they really want. Talk with mom and sis.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I could and would be happy to host. My offer has been declined. I would like my children to spend Christmas with their grandparents.

So why can't you and your sister alternate years staying at a hotel near your parents?

There are so many options here to get the family together, as PPs mentioned, but I would not implement a single one if neither my sister nor my mother was courteous enough to tell me plainly what the problem was!

I think they are all being very disrespectful, frankly. They expect you to divine what the problem is, feel guilty for not having guessed it years before, then scuttle away out of sight? Ridiculous.

So call up your sister and ask directly. you can then suggest different solutions to stay all together at Christmas.

Is there a reason staying at a hotel isn't a solution?

Alternate years with spending the night in a hotel---one year your family does, the next year hers does.

I'm not comfortable with "everyone cramming in together" either.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I could and would be happy to host. My offer has been declined. I would like my children to spend Christmas with their grandparents.

Does your sister have kids? If not ... F her.

So what do they want? Why can't your sister stay in a hotel if she doesn't want to stay in the house? Why hasn't your sister brought it up to you? Why does she expect you to just know?



Sometimes we women really piss me off.

OP here. I could and would be happy to host. My offer has been declined. I would like my children to spend Christmas with their grandparents.

Why not look into an Air BNB? you might be surprised at how cheap it could be for both parts of the family.

Alternatively, could you not host everyone at your house?

Is there more space at your house? You could offer to host everyone.

It is your parents' house, and ultimately up to them. Talk to your mom and see how she feels, and be open to the possibility that it might not be what you want to hear. You may think it's okay for everyone to cram in, but that doesn't mean anyone else feels that way, and it's not fair to impose that on your parents if they're not comfortable with it. You know what the issue is, don't keep pretending it doesn't exist as long as no one's forcing the issue just because it means you get your way.

That sucks, OP.

Could you stay at a nearby hotel? I know it's not the same. Or, maybe everyone stays together in hotel or vacation house?

I have 1 sister and we both live out of town from our parents, in different cities. Up until a few years ago we all had Christmas together with my parents. Then a few years ago my sister and her husband stopped coming. Originally I was told it was because they wanted to do their own Christmas at their own home. It has since come out that they just don't want to stay at my parents house while my family is there. (My parents house is small.) But no one told me this until recently. My sister (and maybe my mom but she won't really say) wants to start alternating who spends Christmas with my parents. I think we should all just cram in and be together - it's just a night or two.

But I'm starting to get the feeling (although it's not been said directly) that my sister is annoyed at me that I haven't offered to stay away from my parents for Christmas.

FWIW, my sister spends Christmas with her inlaws if she doesn't come to my moms. My inlaws are far and we don't see them for Christmas, so we'd just be the four of us (we have two kids) if we don't go to my moms. That would definitely make me feels sad. Should we just do it anyway? I just feel it's unfair because I'm fine with my sisters family being there - she's the one who doesn't want me to come.