I live by the saying: "It's easier to ask forgiveness than permission."
In short, you MUST help your son. Why do you need your husband's 'permission' to do so? It doesn't make sense. Just. Do. It. You obviously are a good mom, so don't hesitate. Take. Action. Now.

Does your DH have ADHD? He may think that if he did not need meds as a child, then his child does not need them.

Anonymous wrote:While I think the glasses analogy is apprapos, my husband countered the diabetic argument to say that our child's ADD -- which he isn't really convinced of -- is not life threatening like diabetes. If you are philosophically opposed to medicating for ADD, which my spouse is in my child's case, medication is ``pathaologizing boyhood.''

And not medicating is stigmatizing/labeling the child throughout childhood.

My son was the "bad kid" who no one wanted to partner with for class assignments because of his inability to maintain focus. This new year has brought with it such an incredible change to DS's social standing with his peers! He's no more or less popular, but the negative vibe is no longer there. The teachers don't have to constantly remind him to stay on task like last year. Oh my g-d, it's been such a relief!!

And, for what it's worth, I've significantly addressed concerns regarding the medication of boys of color in particular (many year ago) in academia and popular print. It's not like it was so much easier to come to for those of us who do medicate. It's a process for everyone. I didn't let my concerns get in the way of the treatment that was needed, and worked through this within a few months in order not to extend my child's suffering.

In the end, I'm pretty damned glad that I didn't take a hard line in my writing. It's a reminder to aim for balance in my work.

<<Anonymous wrote:
This may be an unpopular response but I got so tired of arguing with DH over this. It was so painfully clear that our son needed meds and his self esteem was in the toilet.

I took him to a psychiatrist and got him meds. I just went ahead and did it. The crap I endured was worth it, son is thriving.



Right on. I haven't told my XH about this either. I worked with everyone and implemented to heartiest support plan imaginable. It didn't take DS where he needed to be and he was suffering. Went to the doc, got meds, and little man has found his footing! I haven't shared this with anyone. No one else has any say in the matter and DS is really doing quite well. I am completely at peace with all of this.

It's pretty clear I'd take a bullet for him, so any headache regarding meeting his needs through medication is pretty easy to reconcile. >>

+1

Anonymous wrote:This may be an unpopular response but I got so tired of arguing with DH over this. It was so painfully clear that our son needed meds and his self esteem was in the toilet.

I took him to a psychiatrist and got him meds. I just went ahead and did it. The crap I endured was worth it, son is thriving.

Right on. I haven't told my XH about this either. I worked with everyone and implemented to heartiest support plan imaginable. It didn't take DS where he needed to be and he was suffering. Went to the doc, got meds, and little man has found his footing! I haven't shared this with anyone. No one else has any say in the matter and DS is really doing quite well. I am completely at peace with all of this.

It's pretty clear I'd take a bullet for him, so any headache regarding meeting his needs through medication is pretty easy to reconcile.

Anonymous wrote:While I think the glasses analogy is apprapos, my husband countered the diabetic argument to say that our child's ADD -- which he isn't really convinced of -- is not life threatening like diabetes. If you are philosophically opposed to medicating for ADD, which my spouse is in my child's case, medication is ``pathaologizing boyhood.''

That's funny. Being near sighted isn't life threatening either but I can't function very well without my glasses.

Med's are worth a try. I am looking at DS's MAP scores from Spring and Fall. The Fall scores fell in both Reading and Math, test taken without meds. Actually, the teacher had told me he was having a lot of problems taking the fall MAP and one of the reasons we went back on meds even though DS tests above grade level academically. If it is like that with testing, it is affecting his learning in the classroom.

While I think the glasses analogy is apprapos, my husband countered the diabetic argument to say that our child's ADD -- which he isn't really convinced of -- is not life threatening like diabetes. If you are philosophically opposed to medicating for ADD, which my spouse is in my child's case, medication is ``pathaologizing boyhood.''

Without trying meds, you can't know if they will help. Your husband wouldn't deny insulin to your son if he were diabetic or refuse glasses if your child couldn't see the board - it seems unfair that he won't even let your son try something that might help him succeed at school. Meds make a huge difference for my daughter - we had a period where she wasn't taking her pill and when she resumed, her teacher let me know it was like night and day (my daughter could suddenly focus, participate). A trial run with feedback from your son's school might help (my daughter takes weekends and summers off from meds for now). Good luck!

I had my DH volunteer at the school. I don't know if this would really work with a 5th grader. But when DH was able to grasp how different DS was from the other BOYS, he stopped claiming it was normal boy behavior.

Similarly I arranged various playdates with kids I knew would focus and cooperate better than my DS ever could. And I would find an excuse to step out of the house for a bit so DH would have to supervise the playdate.

This is one good thing about my ex being absent. I saw the problem with my DS and had him tested. He has been taking meds since 3rd grade. If I had an uncooperative spouse, I would do the same thing. The academic demands increase each year. Your child's self esteem has probably already suffered so I wouldn't waste any more time.

Have dad take two weeks off from work. You should go out of town. If he has to be the primary parent it may change his perspective.

This may be an unpopular response but I got so tired of arguing with DH over this. It was so painfully clear that our son needed meds and his self esteem was in the toilet.

I took him to a psychiatrist and got him meds. I just went ahead and did it. The crap I endured was worth it, son is thriving.

Has he actually spoken with the prescribing physician? He needs to talk over his concerns/questions.

Keep a log of how your son does at school or at home may make a difference and showing him if it's being helpful.

My DS8 is almost nine- 3rd grade. I got an agreement from my DH that we would assess at the end of each year-- look at the entire year, the good and the hard, and decide if medication is worth a try. We would consider, above all, DS's emotional well being.
There are days that are so hard that if I had the medication on hand, I would give DS a dose on the spot. Other days when DS seems almost completely fine-- a lot of in between. There are times when DS seems to be in distress-- he comes out of it, but if that stops being the case, we will consider that to be the paramount issue and consider medication.

I see that my 5th grader has so much potential and yet he spends 2 hours doing what should be 20 minutes of homework. I redirect his attention, divide assignments into steps as necessary, help him manage his time, provide breaks. It kills me, and probably him, when kids on our street knock at our door and ask him to play, and he says in a resigned voice: "No, I haven't finished my homework".
Our excellent elementary school is doing its utmost, with a rock-solid IEP and implementation. He always hands in work late at school, despite having an aide to scribe for him, issue frequent reminders and help organize his day. He makes a ton of inattentive mistakes in math that significantly lower his grades despite showing he understands the concepts: he'll get harder questions right and easier questions wrong. He writes well-expressed paragraphs full of interesting ideas and complex vocabulary words... on the wrong topic, because he reads the question too quickly, and is marked down accordingly.
His neuropsychological evaluation came back with a moderate to severe diagnosis of combined ADHD. His WISC-V had a high General Ability Index, with some subscores in the superior range, and low Cognitive Proficiency Index. There are also related learning disorders (dysgraphia, dyscalculia, etc), all off-shoots of the ADHD, the psychologist said.

DH is against medicating DS. Even though I tell him how it is every day, he doesn't experience it himself. The few days off DH has had, he has been aghast at his son's slowness and disorganization. But it doesn't touch him as deeply and he focuses instead on the potential short and long-term risks of medication. I agree with him that there are many unknowns - I have pored over the literature myself! But I've reached my point of no return: I see that non-med support will never get any better than this, yet school demands will probably increase sharply in middle school. As I told DH, knowing the diagnosis and having medication available, how could I consider myself a good parent if I didn't at least try them on DS?

How you did manage to persuade a reluctant spouse to try stimulants for ADHD? Thank you for your advice.