I had one of those... I hit my limit and disconnected after 10 years.

A) if you do not enjoy spending time with a friend, you do not have to do it. You are under no obligation. You shouldn't feel worse after a call/visit than before.

B) The good ole phase out is your best bet. You will become less available. "Sorry Sally, I'm hopping on the metro. Can we chat another time?" "Oh, dinner on Tuesday? Darn, I have a work event. Let me check my calendar and get back to you." "So sorry to hear about how John didn't text you back. Maybe he is out of town. I have to run, but we will talk more later." Basically cap your time and don't be as available. Plus, claiming one is very busy is like a sport in DC.

Yes, it's a little cruel...but it isn't as bad as one day losing it on her and having a blow up. Or taking it for 5 more years and dreading/anxiety over her. Less time doesn't necessarily mean no time - if she gets her stuff together you can always rekindle.

Generally these folks are so desperate for attention they may not get it at first, but eventually they move on..

Disengage. Lots of, "Hmm. I don't know." (silence) She'll probably continue as people like that really aren't interested in what you have to say so much as they want to talk endlessly about their obsession.

As pps have said, change subject and get really, really busy.

Anonymous wrote:I've heard that when people complain and complain over again and don't take advice, it's helpful to stop giving advice and just say "That sounds really hard" and nothing more. Eventually people realize they're not going to engage your attention and get you to offer advice they won't take and they give up.

Oh I see that 10:50 has already given this advice. Sorry for the repetition!

I've heard that when people complain and complain over again and don't take advice, it's helpful to stop giving advice and just say "That sounds really hard" and nothing more. Eventually people realize they're not going to engage your attention and get you to offer advice they won't take and they give up.

I absolutely hear you and I agree that you should end this friendship. She is an "energy vampire" and it will always be about her and what you can do for her. I have been there, done that, and the best decision I ever made was to extricate all needy people out of my life. I don't feel the need to save anyone anymore.

I didn't do anything dramatic, I just stopped being available. Give up the dream of to being "peaceful" because your friend will be angry, just disengage. I actually went to therapy to deal with this, I know exactly how you feel!

Those that are counseling against this don't understand what you are talking about.

Thank you everyone.

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you need to end the friendship. Just stop giving her advice. She just wants to talk, and hear herself talk. Let her do that for a bit, and then change the subject. If she brings up the guy again, just say "hmm, yeah, that's tough I don't know". And then change the subject again.

I'd also see her a less if you feel this negative about her. Just stop being as available. See her here and there when you want and otherwise be busy.

Thank you

Anonymous wrote:Really??? When I was young and single the guys we were seeing were a main topic of our conversations. Of course she's going to talk about this guy especially if she is in love with him! You don't sound very supportive or patient.

Listen to her, offer any insights you might have and then move onto something else.

OP HERE:

My patience has a limit! The same story for months! How can I be supportive whenever I give her advice she's doing what she wants and after that I need to listen about that for hours?

I don't think you need to end the friendship. Just stop giving her advice. She just wants to talk, and hear herself talk. Let her do that for a bit, and then change the subject. If she brings up the guy again, just say "hmm, yeah, that's tough I don't know". And then change the subject again.

I'd also see her a less if you feel this negative about her. Just stop being as available. See her here and there when you want and otherwise be busy.

I've had to recently end a friendship with a needy friend who didn't respect any of my boundaries, so I opened this wanting to support you and offer advice, but unless there's something more egregious that you haven't detailed here, I don't think being concerned about your relationship means she's being a bad friend. This is what's going on in her life. She's in a different phase of life than you, but you were there probably not long ago - serious relationships are a big deal in people's lives. If she can't talk to you about that, then what do you expect from her?

Anonymous wrote:Hello. I didn't know where to post so I'll do it here.
I've been friends with this person about 4-5 years. We are not best friends, just friends from the same city in Europe and now we are here in u US. I'm married, she's single. Why am I saying this is because for the last couple of months she's talking about the guy who is not even her bf, just the guy she is seeing. Of course she thinks she is in love. When she's at my place, she talks about him, when she calls/text, the same story. After every conversation with her I feel like all of my energy is gone. When she's talking I feel like she's suffocating me. I've been giving her advice for months now, and she doesn't want to break up whatever she has with him. Did you ever feel like somebody is taking all of your energy? I don't want to sound selfish, but I've tried to help her, I really did. I told her the same that I wrote here. But the story keeps going and I'm really tired. I'm very happy with my life right now, and I'm positive person in general. What's your advice?

I have been in this situation. I stopped being available to talk, and when we did talk, I changed the subject.

It is very hard but really, you can't let her drain you this way. That is not what a friendship entails.

Really??? When I was young and single the guys we were seeing were a main topic of our conversations. Of course she's going to talk about this guy especially if she is in love with him! You don't sound very supportive or patient.

Listen to her, offer any insights you might have and then move onto something else.

Graciela, I'm going to give you the exact same advice I did the last time we talked...and so you have until 4:45 (or as you Euros say, 16:45), to piss and moan at me.

Change the subject. I'm not sure you should end a friendship over something like this. Be honest, say you need a break from talking about the same subject and then change the subject. You may have to keep changing the subject until she gets the hint. Don't offer any advice if she brings it up. Just let her vent for a minute or two and then change the subject.

Hello. I didn't know where to post so I'll do it here.
I've been friends with this person about 4-5 years. We are not best friends, just friends from the same city in Europe and now we are here in u US. I'm married, she's single. Why am I saying this is because for the last couple of months she's talking about the guy who is not even her bf, just the guy she is seeing. Of course she thinks she is in love. When she's at my place, she talks about him, when she calls/text, the same story. After every conversation with her I feel like all of my energy is gone. When she's talking I feel like she's suffocating me. I've been giving her advice for months now, and she doesn't want to break up whatever she has with him. Did you ever feel like somebody is taking all of your energy? I don't want to sound selfish, but I've tried to help her, I really did. I told her the same that I wrote here. But the story keeps going and I'm really tired. I'm very happy with my life right now, and I'm positive person in general. What's your advice?