Anonymous wrote:Anyone else have this issue? My kids (5, 3) play favorites. My mother (who lives 1000 miles away) is not only their favorite grandparent, might also be their favorite *person*.

Mom is in her early 60s, recently retired, in decent health, and has been pretty involved from the start. Mom/Dad probably come stay with us for 1-2 week stretches, 3 times a year. And then we go visit them about 2-3 times a year (usually much shorter visits because we don't have that type of leave). My mom came and stayed with us for an extended time after each birth as well. She is great at playing with them, but has been involved in the day-to-day when she's here as well - bathing, feeding, getting to sleep, driving to activities, taking to park/library/museum/whatever...she even helped me wean both kids and potty train. On top of all that, she also cooks a lot, helps us with housework, etc. Every time she comes, it feels like a vacation for me, because all I really need to handle is work. I can take a long bath. Spouse and I can go for a movie. It's awesome. And the kids are SO happy.

And for the most part, my mom is really good about always making sure to ask us before she does anything, does not give us unsolicited advice, and avoids contradicting any of our "rules". Even when the kids go to her house, she sticks to our sleep schedule/dietary preferences, limits TV, etc.. She even makes sure to have on hand their favorite foods, etc..

The "problem" is that my daughters actually prefer my mother to EVERYONE. They more or less ignore other relatives if my mom is around (which is hurtful to some family members, understandably, like my MIL), but they even ignore US!! Which, honestly, I don't mind (see comment about 'vacation') . I'm seriously exhausted all the time and I could use the help. But it really bothers my husband - he says he feels totally ignored when my parents are around. My girls even are *sad* when their dad comes home from a weekend shift (if my mom is around), because 'now we have to play with daddy, instead of grandma, oh gee whiz!'

Any suggestions?

Op, are you 100% positive this is true? It may not seem like it to you, but do you think your DH feels, your mom is overly involved? She does sound lovely, but I can see how much of what she has done could be alienating to a spouse.

Outside of that my only ,suggestions are if your mom is not needed the days DH returns from being on call send your mom home. Let dad handle things, he may actually miss his kids after being away from them for a weekend and want to spend time with them.

As for ignoring people ages 3 and 5 is too old for that , insist on good manners.

Can I borrow your mom for a couple years please??

I would give both my parents and ILs for your mom!!! I think I would favor her too. Talk to your oldest and just say that its not nice to make dad feel bad. Tell your husband not to take it personally. I wish I had your mom. I have the opposite problem.

Your husband needs to grow up, get over it, and appreciate your mom.

First, I understand how your husband feels.

Second, he needs to get over it.

You probably have what every parent dreams of - a family member who not only is willing to help, but is good at it. And you actually get to relax? Do you know how rare that is? I know, I know, it can hurt your feelings. But it is healthy for your kids to love your mom. And it is healthy for them to not need you for everything.

Just be sure to plan time with the kids and other relatives when your mom isn't around. And do talk to your kids that they need to at least acknowledge the other relatives, say a few things.

What the eff are you complaining about? Your mother is a saint! All LUCKY children have someone like your mother who teaches them unconditional love. I would think they prefer her to you and it is easy to see why.

Anonymous wrote:You need to talk with your mom and ask her to encourage them to be polite to everyone. They need to say hello to each person, and if someone wants to join their game with Grandma they need to include them. They need to say goodbye when each person is leaving.

It sounds like you've got a great mom and this will be an easy conversation and she'll be open to it.

Agree that your mom could do the kids good by working with them on being polite to everyone including dad.

That would work best if grandma also is the one who gives the kids a consequence if they speak unkindly or impolitely, especially to dad. Talk with your mom in advance about age-appropriate consequences, as well as simple redirection since your kids are pretty young, that she -- not you or dad -- will use if the kids act a certain way and she's present.

But also talk with your husband. Maybe he doesn't understand how very normal this is. Of course kids tend to be nuts about the person whose visits are always happily anticipated, and tend to take for granted the people who are there, day in and day out. Your husband and you have to say "No" to the kids much more than grandma does. You have to be the ones who discipline them when it's needed, the ones who say "It's time to stop doing (fun thing X) now because we have to do (boring but essential thing Y)." And so on. That means that the visiting grandparent, aunt, uncle, or family friend gets the kids' focus and attention, first because that person is just more fun and new and shiny, but also because that person isn't the full-time enforcer of bedtimes, pusher of vegetables, etc. Even if your mom does tell the kids no when she has charge of them, she's still grandma, and a treat; you and dad are, to be honest, those boring adults who are, in young kids' eyes, always saying no, even if you mostly really say yes. I hope he can get his head around that dynamic and see why it's not a reason for a rift with your mom, or a reduction in visits.

He needs to understand that--unless your mom is somehow actively undermining him or encouraging the kids to think of daddy as just no fun ever--your mom is not somehow the enemy, stealing his kids' affection. it may feel that way to him, of course. But sometimes parents need to step back from their own feelings and see the bigger picture, and realize what's normal and what's not. This is normal, and will change eventually as the kids get older. But it beats the living daylights out of his having a toxic MIL who tries to run the show, or who undermines him or you.

Maybe when your mom next visits, she and you can go off and do something for half a day while dad takes the kids. Do it a couple of times. Talk with him in advance about how the kids are likely to fuss and ask for grandma, etc., and he needs to stay cool when that happens. He should have a pat response he uses over and over, a response that quickly and firmly acknowledges and then redirects their attention. Example: "Grandma and mom will see us at dinner. Now, let's head for the slides!" etc. Is he a guy who can work this out in advance so he's ready and doesn't let his emotions get the better of him? Can he cope OK with the kids possibly pestering him to take them home to grandma, while he redirects and redirects coolly? If he can do that and not lose his temper or carp about grandma to the kids -- then they'll learn that there's no point in whining to see her while you and she are out.

I do think that while it's great she was so helpful in earlier years with big steps like weaning and potty training, maybe those kinds of milestone help are a reason dad might harbor some resentment--? Is that possible? But for now, those things are done, and the focus needs to be on having the kids be polite while also helping dad learn to ignore some things the kids say.

The only way to avoid hurt feelings is for these adults, particularly your DH, to not allow what your kids are doing to hurt their feelings. Your mom sounds a lot like mine in the way she interacts with your kids, and I wouldn't trade it for the world. I love that my kids have someone they are so comfortable with. I love that DH and I can go out of town and they can stay with someone who not only loves them almost as much as I do, but knows their routines and our rules and respects them. It's pretty much the grandparent situation everyone dreams of.

Your kids are 5 and 3, a little young to understand that their dad's feelings are hurt by how much they love their grandmother. Your DH is not too young to be responsible for his own feelings. I say this as a mom whose child wanted nothing to do with her (only Daddy for everything if Daddy was present) for two years. It was hard, but I had to keep reminding myself that she was a little kid, and would never act that way if she weren't completely secure in my love for her.

Maybe DH is the problem. Because other than being a little unmannerly (and your girls are FIVE AND THREE!!!!!), there is really absolutely no problem here.

I just can't imagine that your DH thinks this situation is problematic. Unless he is jealous.

Anonymous wrote:Your kids are enjoying Grandma's company. They are kids. This isn't "playing favorites." You don't understand this expression. Playing favorites means that kids play off one person against another, manipulating the situation to their advantage. Which is not what is happening hear. The kids are just rightfully enjoying Grandma's company. As it should be.

No, you're right, wrong word choice on my part. They aren't manipulating anyone.

Anonymous wrote:You need to talk with your mom and ask her to encourage them to be polite to everyone. They need to say hello to each person, and if someone wants to join their game with Grandma they need to include them. They need to say goodbye when each person is leaving.

It sounds like you've got a great mom and this will be an easy conversation and she'll be open to it.

So the kids actually are very polite (thank goodness) - they say hello, give [insert relative/friend's name here] a hug, say good-bye, etc. They include others in their game, and have actual conversations with them. They also have weekly Skype calls with my MIL/FIL, SIL (husband's sister), my brother, and my parents. I've got them on a schedule, and I try to keep the time equal. But that's another thing - they could talk for an hour with my mom, but can barely fill up 10 mins with anyone else.

So it's more that it's very obvious who the favorite is - they want to sit next to my mom at dinner, want her to fix their plates, sit on her lap on the couch afterwards, want her to read the bedtime story, want her to brush their teeth (!), etc. etc. You get the drift. Everyone else pales in comparison, lol.

But yeah, she is without question, great. Just don't know how to avoid hurt feelings. Especially DH's.

Your kids are enjoying Grandma's company. They are kids. This isn't "playing favorites." You don't understand this expression. Playing favorites means that kids play off one person against another, manipulating the situation to their advantage. Which is not what is happening hear. The kids are just rightfully enjoying Grandma's company. As it should be.

This is so sweet. How lovely that your children have such a great relationship with their grandmother! Of all the problems to have, I choose yours!

You need to talk with your mom and ask her to encourage them to be polite to everyone. They need to say hello to each person, and if someone wants to join their game with Grandma they need to include them. They need to say goodbye when each person is leaving.

It sounds like you've got a great mom and this will be an easy conversation and she'll be open to it.

Anyone else have this issue? My kids (5, 3) play favorites. My mother (who lives 1000 miles away) is not only their favorite grandparent, might also be their favorite *person*.

Mom is in her early 60s, recently retired, in decent health, and has been pretty involved from the start. Mom/Dad probably come stay with us for 1-2 week stretches, 3 times a year. And then we go visit them about 2-3 times a year (usually much shorter visits because we don't have that type of leave). My mom came and stayed with us for an extended time after each birth as well. She is great at playing with them, but has been involved in the day-to-day when she's here as well - bathing, feeding, getting to sleep, driving to activities, taking to park/library/museum/whatever...she even helped me wean both kids and potty train. On top of all that, she also cooks a lot, helps us with housework, etc. Every time she comes, it feels like a vacation for me, because all I really need to handle is work. I can take a long bath. Spouse and I can go for a movie. It's awesome. And the kids are SO happy.

And for the most part, my mom is really good about always making sure to ask us before she does anything, does not give us unsolicited advice, and avoids contradicting any of our "rules". Even when the kids go to her house, she sticks to our sleep schedule/dietary preferences, limits TV, etc.. She even makes sure to have on hand their favorite foods, etc..

The "problem" is that my daughters actually prefer my mother to EVERYONE. They more or less ignore other relatives if my mom is around (which is hurtful to some family members, understandably, like my MIL), but they even ignore US!! Which, honestly, I don't mind (see comment about 'vacation') . I'm seriously exhausted all the time and I could use the help. But it really bothers my husband - he says he feels totally ignored when my parents are around. My girls even are *sad* when their dad comes home from a weekend shift (if my mom is around), because 'now we have to play with daddy, instead of grandma, oh gee whiz!'

Any suggestions?