Anonymous wrote:To those who say MYOB, if you were the aggrieved wife would you want to know the facts or just remain blissfully ignorant?

I would want to know the facts.

I would want the facts to come from someone who is compassionate and has my interests in mind. The OP does not seem to be that kind of a friend.

Does anyone remember a similar post where the neighbor(1) wanted to tell her pregnant neighbor(2) about her husband's(2) affair that she(1) had witnessed? The OP of that thread had discussed the affair with the entire neighborhood and wanted to tell her pregnant neighbor after the fact. That OP was a malicious bitch and somehow this OP seems to be cut from the same cloth.

Yes, tell your friend the truth, but only if you are discreet, sensitive and want the best thing for her. Be prepared to support your friend is she leaves her husband - car, money, shelter, job, child care - for as long as she needs to get back on her feet. You can't do that? Then you have no business to insinuate yourself in her life.

This OP seems to be the one who had the affair, and the married man pretended to be single. She is angry and vindictive and her reason to tell is to punish and get revenge. That makes her as much as a lowlife as the cheating husband.

I don't know. I have not been in this situation myself but putting myself in the wife's shoes - i would be humiliated if i found out my husband had a long-term affair AND on top of that people (friends?) knew and didn't tell me. I guess a lot depends on the who the people are keeping the secret - close friends, co-workers, acquaintances?
If i were aware of a close friend's husband cheating on her i would be very torn. Mind my own business? Sounds like the correct advice but doesn't that sort of make me an accessory to the crime?
If I am the OW in this scenario i would not feel obligated to tell the wife - i think that is just spiteful and hurtful. Op if you are the OW just move on, you need to heal and find closure without hurting anyone. Sorry you were deceived. But don't worry the guy will get his- what comes around goes around.

It sucks to find out, but it also sucks to know that people around you knew and felt sorry for you (and talked to each other about it) and said nothing.

If OP was lied to, she was wronged just as much as the wife was. (I'm assuming the OW is OP.)

However.

Nothing - NOTHING - good will come to you if you tell the wife, OP. Nothing.

I think that's tricky and it depends on the role you play in this scenario.

Are you a third party who just happens to know about this? Maybe a friend of the woman who was deceived into cheating with a "separated" man? If so then I think you should stay out of it. If your friend wants to tell the wife "Hey. I had a relationship with your husband for two years. I'm so sorry but he misled me and told me that you two were separated the entire time" then that is up to her. It isn't nice to have a bomb of a secret like that hanging over your head that could go off at any time.

Likewise, if you are a friend of this man and KNEW about this deception and helped to give this guy an alibi to be with the other woman and even helped to lie to the other woman. I think that as a guilty party to this you should do whatever you think is right.

Anonymous wrote:To those who say MYOB, if you were the aggrieved wife would you want to know the facts or just remain blissfully ignorant?

I would want to know the facts.

I would want to remain ignorant - depending on who was informing me. Truthfully, I would likely already KNOW something was amiss. But if it was a friend or a relative who I know sincerely cares about me AND will be there to help me pick up the pieces - they can tell me. A "friend" who has no sincere care about the aftermath and just "thinks I should know" can MYOFB!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Only if you're a jerk. She has a hard enough time already.

This.

How did she have a hard enough time already if he was lying to her and to the other woman? The wife NEVER knew anything about the two years he cheated on her. She found a text on his phone and he chalked that up to a woman stalking him. Wife has no clue her wonderful husband cheated on her the entire 9 months she was pregnant and for another 17 plus months. Traveled with said woman, etc.

What do you hope to gain by telling his wife? You were wrong, her husband was wrong but his wife will continue to place the blame squarely on you.

Move on.

Anonymous wrote:Only if you're a jerk. She has a hard enough time already.

This.

To those who say MYOB, if you were the aggrieved wife would you want to know the facts or just remain blissfully ignorant?

I would want to know the facts.

How do you know he wasn't being stalked? The accuracy and reliability of the information is paramount.

Only if you're a jerk. She has a hard enough time already.

Yes. You just lay it out in a low non-emotional voice. No sense sugar-coating it. There's been enough deception.

MYOB

And if he cheated with you, then just chalk it to a bad experience and move on.

You are not doing any favors to the woman by telling her, your actions are merely punitive.

Has anyone ever told a wife that her husband was cheating or had cheated on her? And how did you do it? It's not a matter of minding your own business, it's a matter of a man lying for two years that he was separated and acrrying on with another relationship when all along he was also with his wife and once he was caught he blamed it on the other woman stalking him. His wife needs to know what happened and how he went so far as to have a condo on the side and was apparently "leaving her and separated".

How do you communicate this to her?