Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have 2 living grandparents, 1 maternal and 1 paternal, both in their 90s, and I won't engage in debates/arguments about politics or that sort of thing. I've also stayed out of the fray about thoughts/questions about whether they should drive, live alone, etc. But if one of them bad mouthed one of my parents or said something hurtful to me, I'd say something, for sure. It doesn't have to contentious, but the reality is, none of us knows how much time we have left in this world, and I choose not to maintains close ties with someone who knowingly and consistently hurts me.

+1! Also, at some point, it becomes meaningless in the balance of life. Even if your Grandma joins the growing population of Centenarians, do you really want to argue with her? Your parents can defend themselves at this point. Relax and avoid the fray.

The OP's grandmother is badmouthing her deceased mother, so she can't defend herself. The sentiment of the comment you plus 1'd and your comment don't seem to match.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have 2 living grandparents, 1 maternal and 1 paternal, both in their 90s, and I won't engage in debates/arguments about politics or that sort of thing. I've also stayed out of the fray about thoughts/questions about whether they should drive, live alone, etc. But if one of them bad mouthed one of my parents or said something hurtful to me, I'd say something, for sure. It doesn't have to contentious, but the reality is, none of us knows how much time we have left in this world, and I choose not to maintains close ties with someone who knowingly and consistently hurts me.

+1! Also, at some point, it becomes meaningless in the balance of life. Even if your Grandma joins the growing population of Centenarians, do you really want to argue with her? Your parents can defend themselves at this point. Relax and avoid the fray.

OP, I have 2 living grandparents, 1 maternal and 1 paternal, both in their 90s, and I won't engage in debates/arguments about politics or that sort of thing. I've also stayed out of the fray about thoughts/questions about whether they should drive, live alone, etc. But if one of them bad mouthed one of my parents or said something hurtful to me, I'd say something, for sure. It doesn't have to contentious, but the reality is, none of us knows how much time we have left in this world, and I choose not to maintains close ties with someone who knowingly and consistently hurts me.

You're grown up, OP, and you have control over this, so stick to the more innocuous subjects, such as what she had for lunch today and the various techniques of prodding servants around with her stick (or whatever she's into).

She may always have been a cantankerous old biddy, but at 95, I would not pick a fight with her, let alone introduce subjects that will degenerate into fights. There is that concept of respect for the elderly, which is largely based on the true fact that their frontal lobes are disconnecting and therefore they can't change. Thus no need for fights. Excuse yourself and attend to your real life.

There is also the possibility that she's bored and seeks a rise out of you for her own deviant old lady enjoyment. Wouldn't put it past some of these old folk.

Is this a new development, or has she always spoken this way? If it's new, I'd presume dementia and change the subject. If it's longstanding, just don't call her very often, and get off the phone quickly.

I was abrupt. Her son (my dad) was not what anyone would call a dedicated father. But he's still alive. That was part of the discussion. She defends him, I try to counter in an oblique manner, she hangs up on me. What happened to those death panels that crazy Alaskan women was talking about a few years ago? Can you nominate a test subject?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd say no. At 95, she's kind of earned her right to say whatever the hell she wants in her time left. Her mind may not be 100% there as well.

You can however, politely disagree, try and change the conversation, politely leave ("Oh sorry nana, I really need to make an important call!"), etc.

She can say what she wants but OP doesn't have to stick around to hear it. Age doesn't give you a pass on manners. If she's having mental challenges, I'd cut her some slack but my 102 yo grandmother's mind is clear as a bell.

+1
No one, no matter their age, gets to say whatever they want to me, no matter how insulting, and expect me to stay around and listen to it. If she's trashing OP's dead mother OP can be polite if she chooses, but she would not be at all wrong for being a bit abrupt about it too.

OP, no, we leave in separate states. Don't worry, she just called me back to say (I'm not making this up) "If something happens to me tonight I don't want you to feel bad." If something happens to her tonight, is it OK if I don't feel bad?

Anonymous wrote:I'd say no. At 95, she's kind of earned her right to say whatever the hell she wants in her time left. Her mind may not be 100% there as well.

You can however, politely disagree, try and change the conversation, politely leave ("Oh sorry nana, I really need to make an important call!"), etc.

She can say what she wants but OP doesn't have to stick around to hear it. Age doesn't give you a pass on manners. If she's having mental challenges, I'd cut her some slack but my 102 yo grandmother's mind is clear as a bell.

Is she living at home with you, or on her own in her own home? If so, tell her if she says another negative thing about your late mother, when the time comes you will plant her a$$ in the worst nursing home Medicare can buy.

Seriously, though, just do as previous posters have said. "I'm so sorry you feel that way..." She's a miserable old woman. The worst ones always last forever.

Well, talking about your deceased mother might be a special circumstance. I try not to argue with my 100-year old grandmother. I will say "That's a topic we need to avoid Gram". She understands that means I disagree with her.

20:07 here again. My mom is gone too, so I get some of what you are feeling. I can't imagine someone speaking ill of her in front of me, and I certainly wouldn't stick around for it.

I wouldn't argue, but I'd tell her it's not ok. "Gramma, I know you didn't like my mom, but that's my mother, and you can't say bad things about her to me." Then leave. Draw the boundary, and keep it firm. Don't get emotional, don't get upset, but don't stick around for it either.

I'd say no. At 95, she's kind of earned her right to say whatever the hell she wants in her time left. Her mind may not be 100% there as well.

You can however, politely disagree, try and change the conversation, politely leave ("Oh sorry nana, I really need to make an important call!"), etc.

If she insults my mom (who has passed) to me frequently? (PS-this is my paternal grandmother).