My sister and I both chose other guardians for our kids. We love each other completely but as another PP said, we've got very different styles. No hurt feelings. Just the right thing for each of our families.

Sort of a spinoff here, but did everyone else tell the people they picked as guardians? I honestly don't remember if we did!

If you are overwhelmed by your child, maybe she didn't want to burden you with raising other children. It isn't exactly easy to step in and raise other people's children, even if you live them immensely.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have bad work/life balance, how could you be an adequate guardian? Is her friend married? Kids?

By struggling with work/life balance, I mean the everyday stuff. Daycare, who does grocery shopping, things like that. Neither DH and I work 60 hours a week or anything like that. Her friend is married and has three kids.

If you are struggling with this with one kid then imagine how difficult it would be with 3 and thank your sister that she does not want to overburden you, particularly given your issues with depression. If the friend is already managing 3 then 5 is challenging but do-able. Honestly let it go, and be grateful that your sister is alive and will likely stay that way.

Anonymous wrote:her best friend is not a fan of me, and I know if anything happens to my sister and her husband, I will most likely not see my niece and nephew again.

Unless you betrayed the best friend, this seems like a very unlikely possibility, and of course it's extremely unlikely that she would ever become the kids' guardian. Not to mention that you have the opportunity NOW to have a good relationship with your niece and nephew. So IF she became guardian, and kept the kids away from you, they would be away from her control once they're 18.

You're allowed to feel hurt, but there's not really anything you can do besides eventually respect the decision.

I'll say that when deciding a guardian for my niece, my brother and SIL outright asked me, and discussed some things. I felt honored and valued for the many hours I put in helping out and spending time with my niece in that difficult first year. However, I came to learn eventually that they did not choose me. What hurt was less the decision, and more the fact that they could not/did not tell me (after asking/discussing things). My guess that a big part of the decision was not my caretaking abilities or closeness, but the fact that I'm unmarried. I understand that decision, but the backhanded way of finding out was the most hurtful for me.

It's their decision. You have to respect the decision of others. But I can commiserate with the hurt feelings.

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like it's hard to hear because it's something you are already sensitive about. We chose a family friend over siblings for our child's guardian. It's not that we think the siblings are bad parents-they are good parents, but they are really different from us. If something terrible happened, we would want our child to have the continuity of a family that is really similar to ours (permissive, silly, messy), but it is not meant as a slight.

We did the same – picked the family that was most similar to ours. My husbands sister is very family oriented – values a lot of things that we value – etc. My brother is a wonderful person but he is a super intellectual who runs in very different crowds than my husband and I do and I can't imagine my children being comfortable there. It doesn't say anything about his ability to parent his own child.

That said, I would be very careful about expressing your displeasure to your sister. It could really cause a long-term rift that would not be worth it. Also as a previous poster said, the idea of this actually happening is very very slim.

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure picking a guardian who will keep her children from their family is a good call.

Anyway, it doesn't help with my extremely low self-esteem. It makes me think my child is better off with someone else.

No, it doesn't. But that's not your sister's job. Your sister's job is to care for her kids. Your job is to work on yourself and care for your own kid. Don't worry.

Anonymous wrote:If you have bad work/life balance, how could you be an adequate guardian? Is her friend married? Kids?

By struggling with work/life balance, I mean the everyday stuff. Daycare, who does grocery shopping, things like that. Neither DH and I work 60 hours a week or anything like that. Her friend is married and has three kids.

Whoa there. You might be a great parent to one kid, but maybe your sister can tell you wouldn't be a great parent to THREE kids. Your sister still loves you. And the odds are, unless you're plotting a murder, she won't die any time soon. So it's all irrelevant.

If you have bad work/life balance, how could you be an adequate guardian? Is her friend married? Kids?

It sounds like it's hard to hear because it's something you are already sensitive about. We chose a family friend over siblings for our child's guardian. It's not that we think the siblings are bad parents-they are good parents, but they are really different from us. If something terrible happened, we would want our child to have the continuity of a family that is really similar to ours (permissive, silly, messy), but it is not meant as a slight.

I am not sure picking a guardian who will keep her children from their family is a good call.

Anyway, it doesn't help with my extremely low self-esteem. It makes me think my child is better off with someone else.

Anonymous wrote:My sister and her husband havechosen her best friend instead of me as the guardian for her two children. I'm devastated. I love both kids to death, and her best friend is not a fan of me, and I know if anything happens to my sister and her husband, I will most likely not see my niece and nephew again.

The worst part is, her decision is totally based on my parenting ability. I've struggled for my child's entire life, first with really bad PPD and now with general work-life balance. It's so hard to hear that someone thinks you're too poor of a parent to care for their children.

Has anyone been in this situation? Any sage advice for me?

OP, reread your post. Your sister made a good choice, based on the stability of you vs. her friend. I know you feel hurt, but your sister is putting the needs of her children above the wants of her sister. Try to lick your wounds and get over it.

The chances of this actually coming to pass are (thankfully) very slim.

My sister and her husband havechosen her best friend instead of me as the guardian for her two children. I'm devastated. I love both kids to death, and her best friend is not a fan of me, and I know if anything happens to my sister and her husband, I will most likely not see my niece and nephew again.

The worst part is, her decision is totally based on my parenting ability. I've struggled for my child's entire life, first with really bad PPD and now with general work-life balance. It's so hard to hear that someone thinks you're too poor of a parent to care for their children.

Has anyone been in this situation? Any sage advice for me?