Anonymous wrote:My sister has bipolar disorder. I've suspected for years but finally found out for sure this summer. Until recently, I'd never been on the receiving end of one of her episodes, so it was much easier to be supportive. Now, after se flipped out on me a few times this summer, we are no longer speaking. We don't live near each other so it's easier than if we were local. It'll be a while before I can handle dealing with her again.

I'm sort of bracing myself for another round in the next few months. She said she wanted to come visit my family at Christmas before everything blew up a few months ago. Knowing her, she'll either still be ignoring me at Christmas, or she'll send a text saying she's looking at flights and wondering which dates are good, pretending like nothing happened. I haven't yet prepared a response in case she chooses the latter.

How about a vacation somewhere warm and far away at Christmas that way you can avoid her altogether?

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the great feedback. It is my sister who is bipolar. She lives out of state, so I don't see her often. However the vast majority Of the times our family gets together there is always angry meltdown. I used to just ignore it, but I have a child now and the most recent episode was directed at me in front of my kid. I want my kid to have a relationship with her aunt and cousing if possible. However my sister won't take medicine, and I don't know how to protect my kid from dysfunctional family dynamics other thaN to basically cut my sister off. If anyone has advice for how to deal with this when kids are involved please share. My kid is very young so doesn't know what's going on at all.

6:57 here, I have some thoughts on this specific issue. In my opinion, you can protect your child from dysfunctional family dynamics without hiding them from it, and do it in a way that shows your child how to set boundaries respectfully but firmly, and how to have compassion for mentally ill people. I would continue to go to family gatherings, but stay with your child to make sure you know what they're exposed to. If there is an outburst that doesn't involve you, it's fine to simply take your child to another room so they don't have to watch it. If it is directed at you, you don't have to indulge it. Say to your sister, firmly but directly, "Sister, I love you, but I will not be abused by you. If you would like to discuss this at a more appropriate time, I am happy to do so, but this is not the time, and I won't be yelled at." If she continues, walk away, say goodbye to your other relatives, and leave. If these gatherings are local to you, obviously it's easy to just go home. If it involves traveling, I would stay in a hotel when you visit (if you don't already) so that you're not stuck there. An exchange like this shows respect and compassion through your willingness to hear her out and discuss any grievances she might have in an appropriate way, but also boundaries that don't let her abuse you if she can't behave appropriately. Later on, your child will probably have questions about what happened. You can tell them something like, "I love sister very much, but she also has an illness that makes her very difficult to be with sometimes. I want to spend time with her and support her, but I also won't tolerate her hurting people and that's why we left. We'll try again another time when she's hopefully feeling better."

I think that for children, the unknown is a lot scarier than an unpleasant known. If you cut your sister off, eventually your child will learn about this, and will wonder what your sister did that made you cut her off, was it really that bad, if they were really bad would you cut them off too, etc. Seeing your sister for who she is makes it easier for your child to understand the dynamics. The one exception is if your sister's behavior rises to the level of threatening a physical harm to you or your child. That's not one to mess with.

To answer other people's question, I did go to individual therapy for just shy of two years to learn how to deal with this stuff. I highly recommend it.

OP, depending on where she is located, a social worker may be able to go in and help her once a week, or more. I think they are called well checks. Can you try starting with the Department of Mental Health, or NAMI? She needs someone to help her take her meds, at least. I think they will also help (go with her) grocery shopping, make sure she is living in decent circumstances, etc.

I have an ex who was in this field, in another state. This is a difficult situation for you to be in. You don't have to be "all in", and you can participate to the degree you feel necessary, but it might be nice to know that your sister is safe.

Does she live alone? I don't know if this illness gets worse without meds, but I would suspect it does, which is why I ask. It might be worth getting a social worker involved, and asking them what to possibly expect (they won't be able to predict with absolute certainty, of course).

My FIL is bipolar, and is medicated for it. My husband, who is a doctor, manages the meds pretty well. FIL doesn't get angry, but gets either depressed and lethargic, or really talkative, needy and excitable. We have all learned to detach emotionally from whatever he's saying, and just attend to his needs. My MIL has been bearing the brunt of it for years, and now her health is failing we have to figure out a solution. I don't want FIL sucking the life out of her!

Bi polar is catch all diagnosis now. Be careful who you label.

OP here. Thanks for the great feedback. It is my sister who is bipolar. She lives out of state, so I don't see her often. However the vast majority Of the times our family gets together there is always angry meltdown. I used to just ignore it, but I have a child now and the most recent episode was directed at me in front of my kid. I want my kid to have a relationship with her aunt and cousing if possible. However my sister won't take medicine, and I don't know how to protect my kid from dysfunctional family dynamics other thaN to basically cut my sister off. If anyone has advice for how to deal with this when kids are involved please share. My kid is very young so doesn't know what's going on at all.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister has bipolar disorder, and there's other mental illness that runs through my family s well. I haven't cut anyone off, I've just put up very firm borders. For instance, I never give anyone money, and I don't drop everything to show up for every manufactured crisis. For the big stuff (e.g., my sister's suicide attempt), of course I do. But not for the drama. For phone conversations, it helps a lot for me to remind myself of the reality of the illness, and accept the fact that I can't fix it or any of the consequences. So when my sister is manic and telling me all about her grand plans to take up mountain climbing (even though she lives no where near mountains) and that she wants to buy a cabin on a mountain top and climb her way up and down every day so she just went to REI and bought a ton of equipment, I just say, "Oh, that sounds interesting" and find a way to gently end the conversation sooner rather than later. I can't convince her this isn't a good plan, and she's definitely not receptive to hearing that perhaps she should return it because just last week she was stressing about how she's going to pay her rent this month, so I save myself the angst and move on. Similarly, if my mother (also mentally ill, but different diagnosis) starts saying hurtful things during a phone conversation, I'll say, "Mom, I'm not interested in discussing this with you, I'll call you next week when you're feeling better." And then I hang up.

This is such sage advice. I'm curious how long it took you to get to this place? Did you get counseling for yourself, support group, etc?

+1 I am slowly getting there. Very admirable how you handle your family members with their issues. Blessings to you!

My sister has bipolar disorder. I've suspected for years but finally found out for sure this summer. Until recently, I'd never been on the receiving end of one of her episodes, so it was much easier to be supportive. Now, after se flipped out on me a few times this summer, we are no longer speaking. We don't live near each other so it's easier than if we were local. It'll be a while before I can handle dealing with her again.

I'm sort of bracing myself for another round in the next few months. She said she wanted to come visit my family at Christmas before everything blew up a few months ago. Knowing her, she'll either still be ignoring me at Christmas, or she'll send a text saying she's looking at flights and wondering which dates are good, pretending like nothing happened. I haven't yet prepared a response in case she chooses the latter.

Anonymous wrote:In the case of my brother, I essentially cut him out of my life.

Family or not, mental illness or not, one is never obligated to maintain a relationship with someone who continually hurts you. Emotionally, physically, whatever.

It doesn't matter if they can control their issues or not. People who regularly lie, gossip, harass you, have anger issues, manipulate, berate you, (etc) are not rational people with whom you can "deal" with in the first place. It is impossible.

+1, in my case it is my sister.

i am pretty convinced that my father is unmedicated bipolar. that has been trickier. i have two kids. my DH supported me not engaging my sister any longer because she was outright horrible to me and said and did some awful things that cannot be taken back. my father was a complete asshole growing up - either not around emotionally or when he was, just a bully. he still swings back and forth now. i went through a period where i wanted to cut him out (before i cut out my sister) and DH really pushed me not too. over the years DH has learned how toxic my father is and now that we have young kids he understands the hell it was to grow up with him with no buffer. i told him recently i did not want the kids spending time at my parents' house (out of town) without us around and DH has FINALLY come around and agreed to this after our last visit home and witnessing some of my father's BS.

it's hard, OP. i mean, it's family. and i feel like, what is wrong with me that i want to cut these people out? but, like PP said, mentally ill or not, it is NOT okay for people to treat you like shit, no matter if it is mental illness or just bad behavior.

Moved across the country ?
I don't engage the unmedicated state unless it is for direct help in treatment.

Anonymous wrote:My sister has bipolar disorder, and there's other mental illness that runs through my family s well. I haven't cut anyone off, I've just put up very firm borders. For instance, I never give anyone money, and I don't drop everything to show up for every manufactured crisis. For the big stuff (e.g., my sister's suicide attempt), of course I do. But not for the drama. For phone conversations, it helps a lot for me to remind myself of the reality of the illness, and accept the fact that I can't fix it or any of the consequences. So when my sister is manic and telling me all about her grand plans to take up mountain climbing (even though she lives no where near mountains) and that she wants to buy a cabin on a mountain top and climb her way up and down every day so she just went to REI and bought a ton of equipment, I just say, "Oh, that sounds interesting" and find a way to gently end the conversation sooner rather than later. I can't convince her this isn't a good plan, and she's definitely not receptive to hearing that perhaps she should return it because just last week she was stressing about how she's going to pay her rent this month, so I save myself the angst and move on. Similarly, if my mother (also mentally ill, but different diagnosis) starts saying hurtful things during a phone conversation, I'll say, "Mom, I'm not interested in discussing this with you, I'll call you next week when you're feeling better." And then I hang up.

This is such sage advice. I'm curious how long it took you to get to this place? Did you get counseling for yourself, support group, etc?

My sister has bipolar disorder, and there's other mental illness that runs through my family s well. I haven't cut anyone off, I've just put up very firm borders. For instance, I never give anyone money, and I don't drop everything to show up for every manufactured crisis. For the big stuff (e.g., my sister's suicide attempt), of course I do. But not for the drama. For phone conversations, it helps a lot for me to remind myself of the reality of the illness, and accept the fact that I can't fix it or any of the consequences. So when my sister is manic and telling me all about her grand plans to take up mountain climbing (even though she lives no where near mountains) and that she wants to buy a cabin on a mountain top and climb her way up and down every day so she just went to REI and bought a ton of equipment, I just say, "Oh, that sounds interesting" and find a way to gently end the conversation sooner rather than later. I can't convince her this isn't a good plan, and she's definitely not receptive to hearing that perhaps she should return it because just last week she was stressing about how she's going to pay her rent this month, so I save myself the angst and move on. Similarly, if my mother (also mentally ill, but different diagnosis) starts saying hurtful things during a phone conversation, I'll say, "Mom, I'm not interested in discussing this with you, I'll call you next week when you're feeling better." And then I hang up.

Agree with PP, don't let them hurt you. If you can put up strict boundaries and adhere to them, you may not have to cut them off completely.

In the case of my brother, I essentially cut him out of my life.

Family or not, mental illness or not, one is never obligated to maintain a relationship with someone who continually hurts you. Emotionally, physically, whatever.

It doesn't matter if they can control their issues or not. People who regularly lie, gossip, harass you, have anger issues, manipulate, berate you, (etc) are not rational people with whom you can "deal" with in the first place. It is impossible.

how do you cope? What strategies do you use for dealing with them? Or do you just cut them out of your life all together?