She is only two belts away from being a black belt

She has a long way to go. Progression towards a black will slow considerably not that she is 2 away.

Op, I'm still uncomfortable with your workout log. I think you are getting push-back, in general. It's just showing up as lying about showers. Consider that your kid may be beginning to feel too "managed". Almost a teen and it could get worse.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was interested in the title of the post but now I'm asking too - what's this about a work out schedule?

OP here. Read my response above.
And it's basically only push-ups, sit-ups and squats that they should strive to do every day or as often as they can.
It's not a big deal if they skip some and I never made a big deal out of it. That's why I was a little puzzled as to why she felt the need to lie about it. And especially that early in the morning. She could have done all (or some of it, or nothing at all) later during the day and she wouldn't have a consequence for not doing it if she chose not to.

OP again - the log thing is basically the same as the log to mark off the minutes they practice their instruments every day or reading time when they're younger.

Anonymous wrote:I was interested in the title of the post but now I'm asking too - what's this about a work out schedule?

OP here. Read my response above.
And it's basically only push-ups, sit-ups and squats that they should strive to do every day or as often as they can.
It's not a big deal if they skip some and I never made a big deal out of it. That's why I was a little puzzled as to why she felt the need to lie about it. And especially that early in the morning. She could have done all (or some of it, or nothing at all) later during the day and she wouldn't have a consequence for not doing it if she chose not to.

Anonymous wrote:You have a "daily log" and require that your 11 yr old work out?

No, they get it at martial arts every month. They don't have to do everything every day. It's a monthly calendar type of thing with different workouts (pushups, sit-ups, etc.) they should do as often as they can. She is only two belts away from being a black belt and the expectations are a little higher than from the beginners.
It only takes about 10 minutes a day.
(I should add she loves martial arts)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you asking her if she has done something if you know that she hasn't? It's like you're setting her up to catch her in a lie. It's very strange. Why not say, you haven't showered you need to do that before x time. Or frankly, she's 11. She smell bad? She look dirty? If not, maybe you need to back off.

OP here. I guess I wanted to give her a chance to come clean.

Stop asking if she's done things. Tell her to do them if they're important. Tell her to redo them if you feel like she rushed (or didn't do them at all). Don't focus on whether she lied or not. Just focus on what needs to be done. My dd is in therapy for anxiety and at the parents group meetings, the doctors always stress how important it is not to engage in little battles, especially over white lies. Showering and brushing teeth were some examples they used. They suggested not to ask if they had done it, but instead tell them to do it if it needs to be done.

OP here.
Interesting approach. I will try that next time.
Thank you.

I was interested in the title of the post but now I'm asking too - what's this about a work out schedule?

You have a "daily log" and require that your 11 yr old work out?

Anonymous wrote:I'd have a conversation with her about it. "Larla, you have been saying you've showered, but I know you haven't. Can you tell me why you haven't been showering as often? Or maybe rearranging your schedule a bit would help to fit a shower in? Maybe a morning shower is better than evening? Same with the martial arts workout. Is a different time of day better?"

OP here.
I just asked her that question in a casual conversation over brunch. I said I knew she did not take a shower last night and I knew she lied. I asked why. She just flat out lied to my face again and said she did. She said she could go take a shower again if I wanted her to, but she did last night.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you asking her if she has done something if you know that she hasn't? It's like you're setting her up to catch her in a lie. It's very strange. Why not say, you haven't showered you need to do that before x time. Or frankly, she's 11. She smell bad? She look dirty? If not, maybe you need to back off.

OP here. I guess I wanted to give her a chance to come clean.

Stop asking if she's done things. Tell her to do them if they're important. Tell her to redo them if you feel like she rushed (or didn't do them at all). Don't focus on whether she lied or not. Just focus on what needs to be done. My dd is in therapy for anxiety and at the parents group meetings, the doctors always stress how important it is not to engage in little battles, especially over white lies. Showering and brushing teeth were some examples they used. They suggested not to ask if they had done it, but instead tell them to do it if it needs to be done.

Anonymous wrote:I tell my 12 yr old the truth. "I think you don't feel like working out this morning and don't want me to make you do it." "Or maybe you didn't really take a shower and don't feel like one now?" I say it with a smile, and DD usually smiles back and says "mayyyyyybe." Then we address her feelings and find a solution.maybe I do the workout with her. Maybe I let her use the fancy soap or I light candles in the bathroom for her. Then I give her a talk about not lying but just saying the truth.

OP here.
The weird thing is that she never had to do it in the morning. She did all her workouts sometime in the evening - either after school or after dinner (depending on the schedule that day.) I never (not once) asked her to do it in the morning.
It was strange that she came downstairs and the first thing she said was she did all her workout and marked it in her daily log we keep on the fridge.

As for the showers, she can pick when she wants to take showers. She prefer evenings, because mornings get hectic and it's hard for her to get up early enough as it is.
And with martial arts twice a week and afternoon sports after school twice a week, she does smell a little
She doesn't want to share the bathroom with her brother, so I let her use my master bathroom. I'm pretty flexible with the times she takes a shower - especially on the days we don't have a lot going on. Sometimes on Friday or Saturday I let her skip it if it's too late and she is too tired. Usually it comes from her "mom - can I just wait until tomorrow and take a shower in the morning?"
I wonder how many more times she lied to me about it (and other things.)

Anonymous wrote:Why are you asking her if she has done something if you know that she hasn't? It's like you're setting her up to catch her in a lie. It's very strange. Why not say, you haven't showered you need to do that before x time. Or frankly, she's 11. She smell bad? She look dirty? If not, maybe you need to back off.

OP here. I guess I wanted to give her a chance to come clean.

I'd have a conversation with her about it. "Larla, you have been saying you've showered, but I know you haven't. Can you tell me why you haven't been showering as often? Or maybe rearranging your schedule a bit would help to fit a shower in? Maybe a morning shower is better than evening? Same with the martial arts workout. Is a different time of day better?"

I tell my 12 yr old the truth. "I think you don't feel like working out this morning and don't want me to make you do it." "Or maybe you didn't really take a shower and don't feel like one now?" I say it with a smile, and DD usually smiles back and says "mayyyyyybe." Then we address her feelings and find a solution.maybe I do the workout with her. Maybe I let her use the fancy soap or I light candles in the bathroom for her. Then I give her a talk about not lying but just saying the truth.

Why are you asking her if she has done something if you know that she hasn't? It's like you're setting her up to catch her in a lie. It's very strange. Why not say, you haven't showered you need to do that before x time. Or frankly, she's 11. She smell bad? She look dirty? If not, maybe you need to back off.

I know that lying issues have been discussed on this forum before, but please indulge me.
My 11 y.o. DD has been lying to me.
A few weeks ago I asked her to go take a shower. It was one of those days with no school/camp, so she was watching a movie upstairs among other things.
She came downstairs at some point and I asked her about the shower, she said she did take it. I knew it was a lie, because the bathroom is right above the kitchen ceiling and you can hear the water running. I let it go and later at some point I checked the shower - it only had a few drops of water at the bottom (from the time I took my own shower that morning.)

A few days later she came downstairs (I could tell she just woke up - I heard toilet flushing upstairs and when she came downstairs soon after, she still had pillow marks on her face) and said she did her workout for the day. She is in martial arts and they are supposed to do certain things every day. I KNOW she did not do it, because she did not have enough time since she woke up and she is not the kind of person to wake up and drop down to do push-ups right away. She insisted she did. I asked her when, she said an hour ago. I told her I checked on her and she was asleep. She said that maybe it was half an hour before, she doesn't know exactly, but she did. I knew it was a lie, because it has been maybe 10 minutes since I checked on her and she was completely out (and snoring.)

So last night same thing happened. She was asked to take a shower and get ready for bed. After 10 minutes she walked out of the bathroom in her pajamas. I asked her if she already took a shower, she said yes. I said I didn't hear the water running and I said maybe she just washed-up instead. She said no, she really did take a shower. I asked her again, she repeated what she said before.
I knew she was lying but let her go to bed.
Then I went to the bathroom and opened the shower door. The bottom was completely dry. Not one drop.
She insists she took a shower and that the water must have dried up and it's not her fault.
I told her that if she didn't take a shower, she should just admit to it and it wasn't such a big deal, so she should apologize and go take a shower.
She said "but I DID take a shower."

I'm not arrogant to think that these are the only times she lied.

I did have a brief conversation with her (a while back) about lying and "testing the waters". Something along the lines "you never know when someone will just give up fighting you on the lies and just keep their mouth shut, but then when it comes to standing by you in a big important situation, you will be standing alone."

I guess my goal is to make her realize that every time she lies, the trust is broken and it's hard to get it back.

How do you guys deal with your teens/pre-teens lying?