Anonymous wrote:Make sure your agreement stipulates co-habitation. If it doesn't stipulate that explicitly, you really can't change things.

Ditto. Ex could claim the man in her house is a roommate.

Make sure your agreement stipulates co-habitation. If it doesn't stipulate that explicitly, you really can't change things.

Again, do a cost-benefit analysis. Think about how many years of spousal support remain. Think about what is needed for getting jurisdiction over her, in any modification proceeding (things get more complicated when the parties live in different states, as is the case for you). The burden of proof will be yours for making the case for modification. You can't make a sustainable case based on suspicions. You will need to offer up evidence that will withstand scrutiny. Hiring a private investigator has been suggested, by other posters, several times here. Run the numbers, and also decide where your own intestinal fortitude stands in fighting the battle. You may well be 110% "right" about everything. But, this doesn't automatically equate with soldiering on into pitched warfare. Remember: cost-benefit analysis.

Anonymous wrote:O.P. - on the one hand, we have the legal system. And, on the other hand, we have the often unfair, and painful, realities of unraveling a marriage. I'm posting here, not as a long-time (but now former) divorce lawyer but, rather as a divorcée. Sure, I know what the law says. And, I've also seen the ugly machinations of "the system." Ultimately, many of my own decisions were based on a cost-benefit analysis. Did I want us both impoverished from paying the lawyers to fight a war of attrition? Or, did I prefer to hold my nose as we signed-off on a deal which left us both a little "unhappy." Life isn't fair, and the divorce process is just one more element of unfairness. One upside for you is that you won't have a lifetime connection based on children.

OP here. Thanks! Given your experience would you say this to be true, or untrue:
I was given advice to personally (sans Lawyer) file for a modification to support based on a change of circumstance (hers).
I was told that she would basically be forced to prove she still required support and wasn't co-habitating.

The simple solution is to run the numbers. You WILL need to get lawyers involved, so figure out how much it's going to cost you vs. how much you stand to save. Let the numbers be your guide.

Another vote for a PI. Also find out the guy's name and the PI can find evidence that the address he uses is your ex-wife's address. This is all kinds of fucked up- good luck!

O.P. - on the one hand, we have the legal system. And, on the other hand, we have the often unfair, and painful, realities of unraveling a marriage. I'm posting here, not as a long-time (but now former) divorce lawyer but, rather as a divorcée. Sure, I know what the law says. And, I've also seen the ugly machinations of "the system." Ultimately, many of my own decisions were based on a cost-benefit analysis. Did I want us both impoverished from paying the lawyers to fight a war of attrition? Or, did I prefer to hold my nose as we signed-off on a deal which left us both a little "unhappy." Life isn't fair, and the divorce process is just one more element of unfairness. One upside for you is that you won't have a lifetime connection based on children.

Anonymous wrote:Just another reason to never get married.

OP here. Agreed. Be very careful of who you decide to join your life to.

Just another reason to never get married.

Pp here. If it states cohabitation then you have a chance. You need proof so hire a pi. Good luck!

My stepfathers divorce decree stated alimony until his ex wife remarried. She turned lesbian. He tried and tried and tried to go back to court and no judge would overturn the original decree. He was paying for years!

Anonymous wrote:

Pretty much no such thing as common law marriage anymore.

What were the stipulations in the divorce decree? Did having a job or income negate spousal support?

She's right to be bitter that you left her.

The stipulations were remarriage or cohabitation. No a job or income did not negate spousal support.
Why is she right to be bitter that I left her, in your opinion?

Hire a PI and out her

Pretty much no such thing as common law marriage anymore.

What were the stipulations in the divorce decree? Did having a job or income negate spousal support?

She's right to be bitter that you left her.

I was married for to a woman for 10 years. We didn't have any kids. During the course of the marriage I was the breadwinner. This was not by choice, but rather due to the refusal of my ex to acquire a full time job. This created a multitude of issues within our marriage and ultimately led to a divorce.
I was ordered by a judge to pay alimony for 10 years because I allowed her (age 38 at the time) to become dependent on me.
I have since moved out of state and have zero contact with her or anyone that knows her. The support is garnished from my paycheck.
So since the divorce, she has of course acquired full time employment and makes enough to support herself. She is extremely bitter that I left her, and has the attitude that I should pay.
So she goes to great lengths to hide the fact that she now lives in a common law marriage with a man and has for years.

I am at a disadvantage in recovering information on her, as I live 3000 miles away. I am interested in terminating the spousal support but not sure its worth the time and effort.
Does anyone have any advice for or against. Or any ideas of how I can resolve this? I have 4 years left to pay. It's just about 20% of my pretax income. I do get to write it off and receive a tax benefit from it.
I'm leary about involving lawyers because I've already paid around 50k for the divorce that she dragged out. Given her half the equity in the house we had. And supported her for the duration of the marriage and beyond.

In a perfect world I'd like to go after her for the fraud she's committed for the past however many years she's been living with her common law husband. Any ideas or advice?