OP, I really hope you will take the advice of most of the PPs here and just let it go. You said she is good to your kids. I'm thinking that having a good relationship among the cousins will be one of the greatest gifts you can give your kids, one that will last a lifetime. Don't let an insecure, unhappy person spoil that for the children.

OP here: I'm not saying that there isn't a grain of truth to what her kids are saying. Most of our family lives in the Midwest and is more mainstream. My kids adore their aunt because she is fun and indulgent with junk food and toys and I tell her often how well loved she is by my kids. With her family, I have tried to think ahead about what would make them comfortable in terms of diet and style. For example, we bought/served foods that are not our typical fare (red meat, chips, etc.) and have not made a big deal about buying it especially for them (although husband went out and bought new cereal to accommodate kids who think Cheerios, Rice Krispies and Raisin Bran taste like bark) . I have also been more lenient about family rules like bedtimes since it's more of a vacation atmosphere. But, it's clear that our families have different styles. I'm just bummed because I feel like I am trying hard to be a good/accommodating host, but I'm still getting these messages from her.

I like her kids, who are young elementary aged. I don't want to engage with them directly about what they are telling their mom when I'm not around. Honestly, I feel bad that their mom is putting them in an awkward position as well. I think I will follow the PP's advice about trying to redirect the conversation.

Maybe this is her way of underscoring what she's already imparted to the children? She's showing them that their impressions were wrong by being up front about it? When you are there, she can confirm that you choose healthy cereal and that your affect doesn't mean you don't love them, that your facial expression has nothing to do with how much you care for them?

I can't think of a strong example of when I've done something like this, except maybe when I have said to a family member, "I told Larlo how hard you studied to learn Spanish after you moved to Latin America" or "Yes, Auntie Lipstick, I was just telling Larla how you can wear makeup every day once you become a grown up." I can see how my examples differ from what you've posted because they don't hit on any misunderstanding with the people I reference. I wonder if your SIL's motivation is the same though.

Could this be a way she goes about clarifying things that the children bring up when you're not around? If you had a better relationship with your SIL, would these comments bother you so much?

Anonymous wrote:SO passive aggressive -- the kids aren't saying this shit, and if they are, she's using it to say things to you she is thinking herself.

Don't stand for it - "Well, tell Larlo he's welcome to bring his own cereal next time!" "Oh - hey Larla, you silly thing - I can smile once in a while! But please know sweetie, it has nothing to do with my education level. My brain is one of the things that makes me happiest! As a woman, I have the right to feel and express whatever I want, I don't always have to prance around, and neither do you - education helped me realize that"

My MIL does this same thing. She gives the baby a voice when she doesn't like what I'm doing. I speak back to the baby about why he's wrong, and always end it with "I guess I'm the mommy, so you'll have to deal with the way I do it!"

Yeah. This isn't going to correct the impression he has that you're an uptight sourpuss.

SO passive aggressive -- the kids aren't saying this shit, and if they are, she's using it to say things to you she is thinking herself.

Don't stand for it - "Well, tell Larlo he's welcome to bring his own cereal next time!" "Oh - hey Larla, you silly thing - I can smile once in a while! But please know sweetie, it has nothing to do with my education level. My brain is one of the things that makes me happiest! As a woman, I have the right to feel and express whatever I want, I don't always have to prance around, and neither do you - education helped me realize that"

My MIL does this same thing. She gives the baby a voice when she doesn't like what I'm doing. I speak back to the baby about why he's wrong, and always end it with "I guess I'm the mommy, so you'll have to deal with the way I do it!"

How old are the kids?

" Well, I'll let you guys work that out, since Larlo raised it with you and not me. Anyway, what did you think was the most interesting exhibit at the Air and Space museum today?"

What the kids are saying actually seems ok, not insulting. Let's face it: to kids, organic bran flakes WILL taste like ass. And if you're a more serious person, then he's just making an observation based on what he sees.

In your shoes I would have asked what the kids like to eat for breakfast and then gotten them that. Maybe your SIL is dropping a hint. Overall, though, if you want her to stop reporting those comments just tell her. "Larla, you really don't need to pass on to me those kinds of comments. Or your responses to them" + insincere bright smile, then change subject.

Any chance you're been a bit preachy about your choices? Like the importance of buying all organic or how women must have an education before having kids? Maybe this is her awful way of asking you to be less preachy because she feels judged.

If not, she's being insecure and looking for validation and going about it all wrong. I would ignore or follow 8:42's recommendation.

Anonymous wrote:Wow, Marcia, you are kind of a tattletale. Laugh hysterically.

+1

She's low class and insecure. Do you like the kids? I would distance myself from her and let DH handle her.

Peronally, I would look her in the eyes and say "why would you tell me that?" followed up with "Please stop telling me things like that". Sorry she seems weird and insecure.

Wow, Marcia, you are kind of a tattletale. Laugh hysterically.

Ignore. She's an insecure idiot who needs to make you feel bad in order to feel better about her life choices. It's not worth wasting another minute on such immature and petty behavior.

SIL and her family are visiting for a week. On a few occasions, my SIL has repeated things her kids have said about me that are not so nice. She says these things in front of her kids.

Examples...

SIL: Larlo told me he doesn't like your food. He said your cereal tastes like tree bark but I told him it's because auntie likes to eat all organic stuff.
SIL: Larla asked me why you never laugh and smile. I said that maybe you are so serious because you went to school for so many years.

So there is an obvious read-between-the-lines message here!

So far, I have tried to laugh it off and just joke about what a beastly mean auntie I must be for buying bran flakes and not smiling enough. The second comment came while I was playing a board game with her child, so although I'm not the crazy/silly aunt, I'm not avoiding her kids either. For what it's worth, she seems like a nice mom to her kids and a nice aunt to my kids overall. We live across the country from each other, so I haven't spent much time with her over the years.

Ultimately, I feel hurt, but I also feel embarrassed for her kids who are being outed for saying things about me when I'm not there. I'm just trying to ignore it, but if anyone has suggestions for how to respond, I'm interested.