Anonymous wrote:^we have business meetings only a few times a year but we have have family "event" things every couple weeks and I am expected to attend- dinners and stuff. If I weren't too, it would be a big issue and alienate me from my extended family, whom I love.

That's good advice, I am fairly good at "smizing".

The problem with my mom is she can be the sweetest person, pull you back in, get your guard down, no matter how high it had been before. And then the second she's back in, she sticks it to you.

I will definitely work on being kind of politely dismissive with her. I'm also just trying to build up my own emotional reserves with her, so that I'm not so stung when the inevitable hurt happens.

My mom did something like this. I called it the "good twin, evil twin" syndrome. You think everything is fine and you can talk to her and then she attacks and uses what you said against you - like the evil twin has shown up and taken over.

If your mom happens to be an addict, I've found 12-step programs to be helpful. Al-Anon helped me disengage from my mother.

Also two realizations helped me in particular:

1) Setting limits with my mom. Telling her I didn't want to hear about how awful my father was. She got very upset but it helped a lot.

2) Realizing that when she got anxious, I was getting angry at her because she made me feel anxious. At some point, I realized that just because she was anxious, I didn't have to feel the same way. But that meant sitting with those feelings of anxiety, recognizing them, and telling myself that I needed to disengage from her but not getting mad at her (which was deflecting my attention from the anxiety). Eventually those feelings went away.

Just remember - she wants to get your roiled up and engaged with her. You are tempted every time to participate because it's hard to accept that you can't change her. Work on disappointing her! Good luck!

Anonymous wrote:Read some books on building strong boundaries. Not only will this help in dealing with an unstable, button-pushing parent, but in all aspects of your life.

Not OP, but I appreciate this advice in dealing with an unstable MIL, so thanks.

Read some books on building strong boundaries. Not only will this help in dealing with an unstable, button-pushing parent, but in all aspects of your life.

Anonymous wrote:Oh GOD do I feel you. I just came from a week at one of my parents houses- I'm drinking heavily.

My mom is my every trigger- and religious to boot (I/we aren't though the sibs have fallen in line)

If you really want to know how I survived? Klonapin and three novels. There was a breakdown one night - wasn't pretty. Net score 8 days 1 savage outbreak-). Went home kissing cheeks her crying and professing love and me leaving money for the cleaning lady.

Will continue to make nice till the next distribution.

Hahaha I love it! Maybe I should look into getting some klonapin or my college fave that I gave up, xanax.

I know, it's so hard. I don't understand- I am such a tough, competent person in general. But dealing with my mom, since I moved back to my hometown- wow. There is nothing like the pain and heartache she can inflict in me. I have finally made the decision to stop trying to fix it and just move on, focus on keeping a distance.

But it's good to know someone else is going through it too. Good luck, PP

Oh GOD do I feel you. I just came from a week at one of my parents houses- I'm drinking heavily.

My mom is my every trigger- and religious to boot (I/we aren't though the sibs have fallen in line)

If you really want to know how I survived? Klonapin and three novels. There was a breakdown one night - wasn't pretty. Net score 8 days 1 savage outbreak-). Went home kissing cheeks her crying and professing love and me leaving money for the cleaning lady.

Will continue to make nice till the next distribution.

^we have business meetings only a few times a year but we have have family "event" things every couple weeks and I am expected to attend- dinners and stuff. If I weren't too, it would be a big issue and alienate me from my extended family, whom I love.

That's good advice, I am fairly good at "smizing".

The problem with my mom is she can be the sweetest person, pull you back in, get your guard down, no matter how high it had been before. And then the second she's back in, she sticks it to you.

I will definitely work on being kind of politely dismissive with her. I'm also just trying to build up my own emotional reserves with her, so that I'm not so stung when the inevitable hurt happens.

Practice what Tyra Banks teaches - smiling with your eyes. Then practice doing that while nodding and saying "I see."

Every couple of weeks sounds HIGHLY inefficient for a family trust, btw. I am hoping you meant months rather than weeks?

Just give yourself a list of noncommittal things you can say and stick to those.

Oh, I see.
Thank you for telling me.
I'm not going to get into that with you.
I'm sorry you feel that way.

How do you remove yourself emotionally from an unstable mother? I'm done with wondering what to do, I just want to basically remove her from my life, as painlessly as possible.

We have a family trust (she did not start it, it is extended family), and I am forced to attend meetings every couple of weeks or so. So I have to interact with her.

How do I keep myself calm while interacting with her? Any tips or tricks for keeping myself centered and unbothered even when she is up to the same old emotional tricks?