OP, both my grandparents did that. My grandma moved my grandfather to a nursing home for a month. She was there night and day. She went home for an hour to shower/eat and got the call he passed. I think he waited till she left so she didn't have to watch him die.

My grandmother, very clearly indirectly said her goodbye to me one day and after my mom visited later, she waited for the caregiver to relieve my mom and passed away with the caregiver there. She was very clear she did not want us to watch her suffer and was very uncomfortable with her looks and what the cancer did to her. She was determined to make it to my wedding, which she did and then passed.

I very strongly believe some people can choose when they pass and do it out of love.

Grief has a way of "bubbling up". Mine came to me in pieces, as I grew older and better able to deal with it. It took me years to process and reach a point of acceptance about my mother's death. Perhaps that is what you are experiencing.

I truly believe there is something more after this life, and that brings me much comfort when I think of my parents' passing. Their death was a step on the journey for each of them. Hugs to you.

A similar thing happened with my grandfather. He lived in New York and was in hospice. My parents, who live in DC had spent days at his bedside. They decided to quickly fly back to DC to regroup before heading back to NY to spend time with him. By the time they drove from the hospice to the airport and landed back in DC, he had passed.

I agree with the PPs. Something similar happened with me DH and his mother. The whole family had been in/out of hospice visiting her. DH was exhausted and I suggested he come home. We no sooner got home when we were informed she'd died. I KNOW she waited until he left because she knew he'd have been a mess if he witnessed her passing. We used to laugh about his soft heart. I think this was her last gift to him. Hugs.

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP. I do think your dad was right. I feel like something else is going on in your life right now that is causing this to come up. Maybe something that on the surface you don't think is a big deal, but actually it is something you need to deal with. Is work going okay, friendships, your own health?

OP, no advice here, but you sound like such a warm, loving person. Your mom certainly knew how much she was loved by you and your dad. Please don't feel guilty about this. You were with her until the end and then gave her the space to go peacefully.

Do you just miss her? Have you had some major milestone that you're sad she wasn't a part of?

I'm a nurse who worked in hospice. Trust me this happens all the time. People most often want to die alone. She could've died at any time but it was the only time she was alone and she died. That wasn't just a coincidence. Let it go.

I think your father was right. Your mother loved all of you very, very much and she wanted to spare you watching her actual last breath. You have nothing to feel guilty about because being with your father at that time was more important to her and for him.

Talk to her spirit and tell her how you feel. Peace to her spirit and peace to you.

There is something else going on in your life that is dredging up these feelings. How is the rest of your life?

I think this happens a lot. It is a last gift from the dying - trying to spare those they love from the pain of being there while it happens. I hope you can find peace.

Aww, honey, I'm so sorry. It was the same with my grandmother-- they stepped out for 20 minutes to resolve an administrative issue, and she slipped away. Everyone felt terrible about it, but the hospice staff said it is surprisingly common and sometimes people find it easier to "let go" if they have privacy and are not interrupted. My grandfather also died in the night while my uncle was resting in the next room.

You can definitely seek grief counseling for this. Please do! It's never too late. You don't have to go on feeling this way.

That kind of irrational guilt is caused by some belief somewhere that you've picked up and bought into. A therapist could help you locate where this irrational belief is coming from and contest it. It probably would be something very short term, too. I'd find a decent cognitive/behavioral therapist and talk to them.

You sound like such a kind person. I think your father is 100% correct and your mother couldn't let go with you and him there. It was a blessing to him to have some time to breathe, and it was a blessing to her to let go of her burden. She didn't die alone, she died on her terms. And she lived surrounded by love.

My mother died 5 years ago. Cancer. From diagnosis to death it was 9 months. Absolutely grueling what she went through. Her and my father had been married 51 years. I did get grief counseling offered by the hospice and I was "good". She had a wonderful life, was a wonderful woman and mother and the suffering she went through at the end... well I was just glad she was no longer suffering.

Here is the issue. My father kept vigil the whole time. Hospital, chemo treatments and then hospice. During her hospice stay I was there almost as much as he was and as the stay went on my concern shifted from my mother to my father. My mother was heavily drugged for comfort and wasn't really "there" it had been days since she would even squeeze our hands. Doctors told us maybe two weeks more.

One day I looked at my father and he was just drawn and down and I realized he hadn't eaten since the morning. I said "Daddy lets go down to the cafeteria, get some dinner." I was hoping to also take him for a little walk on the grounds for some fresh air. He usually ate right in her room. But he looked at me a minute, kind of sighed, looked at my mother and then said "You know there is a little coffee shop down the road, I'd really like some good coffee and maybe a piece of pie." I jumped at the chance to get him out a for a bit. We both kissed my mother, told her we'd be back soon.

My father ate and spoke more than he had in weeks, he even smiled a little. After he even wanted to walk around this little park across the street. When we got back to the hospice he was much stronger than I'd seen him in months. Our nurse greeted us and I knew from her face that my mother had passed. I thought my father would be distraught that he wasn't there, but after his initial tears and grief he looked at me and said "She didn't want to die with us there, she didn't want us to see that. She felt she could finally let go." And he has always been good with that. So was I until recently. My brother agreed as did the rest of our family. It was good I got my father out of the hospice for a bit.

A few months ago it just hit me out of the blue for some reason. "My mother died alone, you let her die alone" It just kind of crosses my mind every few days and I have a pit of guilt in my stomach. Why now? The only worry I ever had before was that my father would be upset he wasn't there. I know my mother was very out of it, but the hospice staff did tell us to keep talking to her because hearing was the last to go. So I keep thinking she died and didn't hear our voices. Its really breaking me up. For years I've thought of my mother fondly, could smile at her memory. Now I tear up anytime I think of her or something reminds me.

Some will find this silly I am sure but I am going to speak to our parish priest about it, he is very good with grief counseling and got my whole family, my mother included through that terrible time 5 years ago, treatment and all. He is very kind. My question is can I seek other grief counseling this far out? Should I? A regular therapist?

In my mind I know I shouldn't be agonizing over this. I know my mother was heavily sedated. Knowing my mom she wouldn't have wanted us to see her die, my father is right. When she was aware at the hospice she would tell my father, "go home, get a good nights rest" of course he wouldn't She was loved, she loved us. I don't know what brought this horrible guilt on all of a sudden all these years after the fact.

Any advice? Words of wisdom? It felt good just to type this all out, so thank you for reading it.