Anonymous wrote:Are you familiar with this website? http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com

It might be helpful to you. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

NP here. I just had a huge lightbulb moment - thank you for this website link. I've always known my dad is extremely narcissistic, near sociopathic and have cut him off. But I've been confused by my mom's hurtful behaviour my whole life. It just really hit me that she's a "gaslighter" and tries to use my kids to get to me, etc.

Anonymous wrote:
No, no, no.

Everything you do in relation to your mother has to be 100% in your control. You pay, you get a hotel, you eat out, you do NOT depend on her for anything. The decisions that you offer her control over will be decisions that you don't care about - "shall we have Chinese or Indian for dinner?" for example.

So now either you pay and are fine with it, or you don't go and are fine with it. The crucial thing is that you have to be fine with it, and radiate that feeling to her.

This is how it works with cruel, torturing parents. You disengage from them emotionally. All their nasty jabs and blackmail are water off a duck's back. Your strength doesn't depend on her, but from your inner self, where she cannot reach.

Can you tell I've been there?

Op here...thank you very much for this. very helpful!

Anonymous wrote:
No, no, no.

Everything you do in relation to your mother has to be 100% in your control. You pay, you get a hotel, you eat out, you do NOT depend on her for anything. The decisions that you offer her control over will be decisions that you don't care about - "shall we have Chinese or Indian for dinner?" for example.

So now either you pay and are fine with it, or you don't go and are fine with it. The crucial thing is that you have to be fine with it, and radiate that feeling to her.

This is how it works with cruel, torturing parents. You disengage from them emotionally. All their nasty jabs and blackmail are water off a duck's back. Your strength doesn't depend on her, but from your inner self, where she cannot reach.

Can you tell I've been there?

This is good advice, OP.

No, no, no.

Everything you do in relation to your mother has to be 100% in your control. You pay, you get a hotel, you eat out, you do NOT depend on her for anything. The decisions that you offer her control over will be decisions that you don't care about - "shall we have Chinese or Indian for dinner?" for example.

So now either you pay and are fine with it, or you don't go and are fine with it. The crucial thing is that you have to be fine with it, and radiate that feeling to her.

This is how it works with cruel, torturing parents. You disengage from them emotionally. All their nasty jabs and blackmail are water off a duck's back. Your strength doesn't depend on her, but from your inner self, where she cannot reach.

Can you tell I've been there?

The plane tickets are a 'sunk cost' and shouldn't factor into your decision whether to go or not. When you look at the total 'cost' of this trip (factoring in the emotional cost as well as the monetary cost), it is more expensive for you to go than it is for you to cancel - or to shorten your trip or to spend some of the time in a hotel. Stop thinking that because you've 'sunk' money into tickets that it should drive your decision to go or stay.

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for the website rec and the feedback. If I hadnt already booked everything and spent $$$$ on airfare etc, I would cancel. To be honest, this is really my way of saying my final goodbye to her and releasing all of my feelings of guilt.

That website was very helpful. I always thought I was just over sensitive and emotional (what she always would say to me when I cried, etc). I guess I thought that as she nears death she would take accountabiity for her part but I know that will never happen.

The surreal part will be that she and my dad just pretend like nothing happened and will want to have polite conversation. Which just makes me feel more crazy. Did I imagine all of this? Am I over-reacting and being a drama queen (another familiar dig) I am angry with him that he allows it to go on but I know it will never change.

Ok you are being kind of a drama queen because you know what is going to happen and yet you are still whining about it. And yep, it's possible you are a more sensitive person - that's not wrong or bad it's just adds a facet to the situation,At this point, you should be ok with polite conversation. It will get you through the visit nicely. Make one breezy visit to her, stay in a hotel, spend the rest of your time with friends.

Your mom is who she is and nothing you do or say will make her have an "aha!" moment. She didn't love you like you wanted her too or should have. She does love you in her own way. The most important thing to remember - it's not you and she is equal opportunity. She would dislike any child and treat them poorly. If you have siblings, don't make the mistake of believing there is a favored one. Sure, outwardly it looks like that but The favored one carries a huge burden and is worse off because he/she will likely never be able to untangle themselves from the situation

OP, my mother had an illness that brought her to the brink of death many times. One time I travelled to see her in the hospital because the doctors were not giving much hope. She rose up from her hospital bed to insult me! She was just an abusive person. I understood her perspective, but yet I still had to protect myself

Thank you for the website rec and the feedback. If I hadnt already booked everything and spent $$$$ on airfare etc, I would cancel. To be honest, this is really my way of saying my final goodbye to her and releasing all of my feelings of guilt.

That website was very helpful. I always thought I was just over sensitive and emotional (what she always would say to me when I cried, etc). I guess I thought that as she nears death she would take accountabiity for her part but I know that will never happen.

The surreal part will be that she and my dad just pretend like nothing happened and will want to have polite conversation. Which just makes me feel more crazy. Did I imagine all of this? Am I over-reacting and being a drama queen (another familiar dig) I am angry with him that he allows it to go on but I know it will never change.

Anonymous wrote:Cancel the trip. You are going to be miserable. She is going to make you miserable. You don't want to be there. She is an abusive person. You don't owe her this trip. If she freaks out, go back to no contact.

Abusive parents don't deserve the usual duties from their kids. They didn't earn them. You don't have to do this.

You already know how this will play out. Don't put yourself and your children through this.

Well if you want to go, pay for it yourself and stay at a hotel. It is very important to get time to detox. If you can The Ford

Are you familiar with this website? http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com

It might be helpful to you. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

Cancel the trip. You are going to be miserable. She is going to make you miserable. You don't want to be there. She is an abusive person. You don't owe her this trip. If she freaks out, go back to no contact.

Abusive parents don't deserve the usual duties from their kids. They didn't earn them. You don't have to do this.

OP, it is a terrible feeling to have a mother that you cannot trust. But you know that. Shorten the time you are spending with her and extend the time you are spending with friends. limit her interaction with your kids (if you think you are mad and hurt now ...) Accept that she is not the mother you would like or even a normal mom and keep up wit the plan of keeping it short as you have been doing. That your mom has a terminal illness will not, sadly, make her a better person.

OP, I feel for you. And if you haven't already, you need to get yourself some therapy or counselling. I know you don't want to hear it, but a lot of the drama being perpetuated is your responsibility. You continue to have expectations of someone that cannot deliver those things to you.

Your mother is who she is. Yes, she hurt you in the past, but you've already seen she is incapable of acknowledging that pain. So, you either accept that and move along with what she can offer, or you continue to harbour that and hurt yourself and think / hope that she will become someone she won't.

Trust me: forgiving her and dealing with the person that she actually is vs. the person you wish she was is easier on you than continuing to push yourself against a brick wall.

I need some advice on dealing with my mother. we were estranged for several years. Life is fine as long as you do things her way. Any exertion of independence and she attacks. It is very toxic. She refused to come to my wedding, calls me nasty names, and knows what buttons to push to make me feel like crap. I was in therapy for a long time and know that these are her issues, not mine.

My husband and I moved across the country and we have a polite relationship with her. We talk once a week (where I can control the situation). It is frustrating because she rewrites history and has never apologized for the myriad of ways she has hurt me over the years. She knows she has hurt me because I have written letters, tried to have calm conversations but she just uses anything I say against me and paints herself as the victim. I get angry with myself that I keep getting sucked into the manipulative cycle.

She is very sick at the moment. She probably only has a few years left to live. She has been on a downhill slope for a while and out of guilt, I am going to visit her with my kids in a few weeks. I am dreading it with every fiber of my being. The latest is that initially she had offered to pay for our trip since she cant travel and she wants to see us. I will be staying with them for a week and then extending the trip a few days to see some local friends. My mom knew about this for months. She let me know over the weekend that she will no longer be funding the trip because I am extending the trip to see friends. sigh...

I just need to get through this trip. Any advice? I told my dh that after this I am done. I will call her but I cant get sucked backed into this viscous cycle anymore.