Talk talk talk talk talk.

Maybe I should've married one of my prior boyfriends, too--maybe we'd have had an easier life, fewer arguments, who knows. I dated very good people, so I had a really nice sample of people to reflect back on...

I might approach this at first with a bunch of investigatory questions:

1. When you look back on it now, today, do you regret that you married me?

2. Do you think about this often? Has it plagued you for years, or has it recently resurfaced?

3. How do you think your life would've been better with this other person, worse, just different?

4. Do you think you could've actually married this other person--it takes two to tango, after all. Is this fantasy of what might have been based on reality?

5. Do you feel that given what the reality is now (the other person is out of the picture, we've been married or 20 years) that you want out of our marriage? Or given what currently "is," would you choose what we have now?

6. What do you like about our life together? What do you wish was different? Is there anything that is currently a "deal breaker," and can we fix or address whatever's still troubling you and us?

7. Why are you telling me this now?

Things like that. It could get heated, but if you can, try to just dig out as much information as you can so you know what you're really working with. Who knows, he might've just been spouting out a bunch of bullshit without really thinking it through. Which is itself a bad sign, but it's something you can probably work with.

Love is a choice

If he has decided that loving you is no longer his choice - it's not about you, probably not your fault in the least. It may be that he's unfaithful. Sometimes men start talking "true love" blah blah blah nonsense when they start cheating, are feeling guilty, and basically are way off-track.

Anonymous wrote:I say this to my husband all the time. No big deal. You're over thinking it.

+1. I love my husband but have said things similarly. We started dating at 21 and I had no clue what his career would be or that it would take over our lives. I wish sometimes I'd married someone else who doesn't travel and isn't the golden boy. It would be nice to be able to have kids and just hang out at home some nights.

I say this to my husband all the time. No big deal. You're over thinking it.

My ex said this after 20 years. I was equally dumbfounded. For me, the hardest part was the disillusionment. He had some other secrets as well that factored in to things. I felt like my life was a lie (not really that dramatic, but you know what I mean). I questioned all my judgement, my misplaced trust, etc. Over time I realized that he was selectively choosing to recall all the times that he ever had doubt in our relationship (I think we all have those times). He had other issues that had NOTHING to do with me as well.

The most important thing to realize is that you do not have to make any decisions right now -- NONE. Let this sink in. Find out if this is just the tip of an iceberg, or just an admission that he thinks his life would have been different/better if he had married his other girlfriend (I doubt it...). Then consider whether you want to work on your marriage or not. For now, do what feels right to you. Ask him to sleep in the spare room if you think you need space.

Do not make any major life decision over the next couple of months. The hardest thing after learning something like is is to resist the desire to make it all go away. Sometimes we run from our marriage, sometimes we try to make it work, but it doesn't have to happen quickly. In fact, it probably shouldn't. Take your time.

Share with a couple of really close friends. Resist discussing with the family (if you can) until you know what you want to do. It's impossible to take back your words once they are out. Your family may never forgive him -- even if you do.

Well, isn't hindsight nice? Tell him there is no alternate universe and wishing there was and expressing it to the woman he did choose is hurtful.

Anonymous wrote:Facing the world how it is and not how we would like it to be should not be unforgivable . People's true feelings are not a fairy tale.

The fairy tale is how his life would have been better with the other woman. I think this is backwards. Being that unkind to someone after 25 years is unforgivable.

Anonymous wrote:I'd try counseling. I suppose it's possible that it's true, but 25 years in, you can't really go back on now. It's worth giving it a shot.

+1

I'd try counseling. I suppose it's possible that it's true, but 25 years in, you can't really go back on now. It's worth giving it a shot.

Tell him to sleep it off. Twenty five years is a huge investment of time for what he would deem a mistake. It isn't you it's him. He is dealing with some issues right now and maybe you need to separate for a while so he can appreciate what he has.

Facing the world how it is and not how we would like it to be should not be unforgivable . People's true feelings are not a fairy tale.

No. I'm sorry Op. Did he say this in a moment of anger?

Why did he want to hurt you like this? I'm in a similar point in my life and have thought "what if" about the other boyfriend in the running at the time, but I would NEVER say this to DH because it would be unforgivable.

Sometimes we say the meanest things to the ones we love the most. He probably didn't mean all of what he's saying.

Turn the ship around. You're empty nesters- start doing couples activities. Travel, ballroom dance, try new restaurants and fall in love again.

He told me this a few weeks ago....I'm just stunned.. He thought a week after we married that he should have married his other college girlfriend. We've been together since we were 19. Our youngest will finish college in two years. I can't feel anything about what he said..Im at a loss here.. I thought we had a great marriage...he says he doesn't want to leave...he said he told me because he just wanted to be honest with me...but I just...have no words...I'm just at a loss here...

Anyone here have something similar happen?