Anonymous wrote:I'm feeling so frustrated, and am not sure if I'm just being insensitive. My mother is 69 and never developed her own life outside of being a mother. She never worked, never really developed a hobby, never volunteered anywhere. She has some health issues and it's unclear how much is legitimate versus depression -- depression that has really gone on with ups and downs since my sister died as a child when my mom was in her 30s. She wants me to be able to provide her with friendship and, in essence, a life she can live vicariously. She wants to be able to chat on the phone for an hour, wants me to be able to take tons of time off work to hang out and go shopping, etc. Worse, she wants me to be her confidante on things I don't want to be involved in -- she complains about my father to me (they are still married), complains about her MIL (who is dead), complains about my aunts..... I like all these people and don't want to be a part of bad-mouthing them. Also, I just don't have the time and energy to worry about all these people. I have a job and three kids and i'm pretty stretched in my day-to-day. I want her to visit, but she is offended when I have to get kids to sports practices and take a call with my boss -- if she is in town for 8 days that stuff is going to happen! Do other people provide this kind of support for their parents? Am I being selfish? I love her, and want her to be a part of my life, but I can't sit on the phone for an hour after work (when I'm trying to get kids fed and bathed) to hear about her latest problem with her sil/my dad/her health/her finances/etc. She literally gets upset that my 2-year-old is bugging me for some juice if I'm talking on the phone. FWIW, I have a younger sibling who basically just ignores her -- talks to her on the phone once a month at most and sees her maybe twice a year. My father, who is an ever-struggling recovering alcoholic, is pretty good to her on the whole. He is retired and does spend time with her, take vacations with her, etc (he also handles a huge share of the household duties so she doesn't have much responsibility for dishes, cooking, bills, things like that).

Depression is a legitimate health issue. Your mother had a child die, which is pretty much the worst thing I can imagine. She's married to a recovering alcoholic. She has one adult child who ignores her. You sound incredibly unsympathetic.

I think it's fair to set some ground rules--"Mom, I love you and want to talk to you. But I can't spend an hour on the phone with you every day. Let's schedule X times a week and plan to talk then. That way we know we'll be able to talk." And then stick to it. Give her what you can reasonably give her. And when she's offended that you have to take the kids to sports practice--invite her to join you! Otherwise, just say, "Mom, we love having you visit, but we still have things we have to do while you are here. We're not trying to exclude you, but I can't just ignore my boss. You are welcome to watch the kids' practices/come to the grocery store with me/whatever."

It's not uncommon that older women start to feel useless, and that is depressing. The best thing you can do is find a role that she can play in your family. Encourage activities that she can do with her grandchildren. Let her cook meals, if that's her thing.

She may have ADHD and become overwhelmed and anxious very quickly, which is why she has no social life or activities, and doesn't do much at home. Sounds like my mother!

Anyway, OP, no need to feel guilty. You only have one life to life, don't waste it wondering what to do with your mother. She's terribly self-centered and won't change. Call her once a week at a set time of the day, so that she expects it. When she's visiting, go about your usual life and ignore all her complaints and comments.

I have OP's problem minus the dad (parents are divorced) and plus the health problems. My mom once asked me in all seriousness why I didn't call her as much as in the past. "You mean, Mom, when I was in my 20s, and didn't have a husband, kids and a house to care for"? She seriously did not see my point. She gets a weekly phone call because that's what I can give and not resent her for. She has made no life of her own since initiating a divorce with my dad and thinks her kids should provide her social life. She is pitiable and I hate seeing her aging so badly. Make a time budget for her and do that.

What do you want op? How much time is reasonable? You need to sit quietly and reflect on this. You say you have a busy life - well then, pencil your mother in. A phone call 2x a week for 15min?. Whatever. You decide. Say, "Mom I don't to hear about so-and-so" Take charge. She doesn't need to be in charge. But if you're going to be a grown up person, there will be times when your mommy is unhappy with you. You've got to make peace with that. You pity your Mom and frankly that is part of the problem. How do you know she never developed her own life? That sounds pretty snotty of you. That kinda indicates that you like to complain too.

I'm feeling so frustrated, and am not sure if I'm just being insensitive. My mother is 69 and never developed her own life outside of being a mother. She never worked, never really developed a hobby, never volunteered anywhere. She has some health issues and it's unclear how much is legitimate versus depression -- depression that has really gone on with ups and downs since my sister died as a child when my mom was in her 30s. She wants me to be able to provide her with friendship and, in essence, a life she can live vicariously. She wants to be able to chat on the phone for an hour, wants me to be able to take tons of time off work to hang out and go shopping, etc. Worse, she wants me to be her confidante on things I don't want to be involved in -- she complains about my father to me (they are still married), complains about her MIL (who is dead), complains about my aunts..... I like all these people and don't want to be a part of bad-mouthing them. Also, I just don't have the time and energy to worry about all these people. I have a job and three kids and i'm pretty stretched in my day-to-day. I want her to visit, but she is offended when I have to get kids to sports practices and take a call with my boss -- if she is in town for 8 days that stuff is going to happen! Do other people provide this kind of support for their parents? Am I being selfish? I love her, and want her to be a part of my life, but I can't sit on the phone for an hour after work (when I'm trying to get kids fed and bathed) to hear about her latest problem with her sil/my dad/her health/her finances/etc. She literally gets upset that my 2-year-old is bugging me for some juice if I'm talking on the phone. FWIW, I have a younger sibling who basically just ignores her -- talks to her on the phone once a month at most and sees her maybe twice a year. My father, who is an ever-struggling recovering alcoholic, is pretty good to her on the whole. He is retired and does spend time with her, take vacations with her, etc (he also handles a huge share of the household duties so she doesn't have much responsibility for dishes, cooking, bills, things like that).