What happens after FIL makes these remarks? Do you challenge his attitude?

"Good luck keeping him out of the water."
"No, that's your job since you are watching him. Should I get a sitter instead?"

"It's 3pm he won't get burnt"
"It'll take 2 minutes. Stop complaining please."

"Please don't lift him up by his arms."
<lifts him>
"FIL I don't want you to carry him if you can't lift him from the waist. Hold his hand instead please."

I disagree, the first two suggestions are rude, and if you're that upset, you should, just end the arrangement. If you don't feel your child is safe with them, or if the relationship just isn't working, you can definitely arrange other care and tell them that it wasn't working for you. Or you can express the same thing more nicely, but still firmly.

"Good luck keeping him out of the water."
Our rule is that he needs to stay out of the water, and we need you to follow that.

"It's 3pm he won't get burnt"
I understand that you think it isn't necessary, and I'm not going to debate the rights and wrongs of the issue. Even if you are correct, our rule is that he needs to wear sunscreen.

"Please don't lift him up by his arms."
<lifts him>

What happens after FIL makes these remarks? Do you challenge his attitude?

"Good luck keeping him out of the water."
"No, that's your job since you are watching him. Should I get a sitter instead?"

"It's 3pm he won't get burnt"
"It'll take 2 minutes. Stop complaining please."

"Please don't lift him up by his arms."
<lifts him>
"FIL I don't want you to carry him if you can't lift him from the waist. Hold his hand instead please."

While I agree that your in laws aren't over the top reckless, their attitude toward your requests is troubling.

We had same issue with MIL, who is an extreme believer in free range parenting. We are more moderate & believe it really depends on the situation and child. Every request to her was like throwing down a gauntlet and she kept escalating to show us how right she was. We played that horrible game for years, initially moving to supervised visits only for her, and now we don't speak and she isn't allowed to see him ever.

Only you can say whether or not there could be a productive conversation with your in laws. Not so much about the specific things, but about the need to respect and consider your parenting requests in general. If they are prone to immature responses (like my MIL's 'I'll show you' approach), I would keep my DC in the extra day of preschool/daycare and go to work in peace.

Anonymous wrote:Actually...the issue is being mocked for expressing their views about their child.

I would get another sitter, personally.

Yes, OP used the word "mocked" when the grandparents responded that it was 3pm and sunscreen wasn't necessary. I'm trying really hard to picture grandparents "mocking" their son and daughter-in-law. Like did they changed their voice to a high pitched, whiney voice? I'm thinking OP is being a bit dramatic.

Actually...the issue is being mocked for expressing their views about their child.

I would get another sitter, personally.

OP, these are the dealbreakers:
--not securing child properly in car
--allowing child to be near water (pool, lake, etc) without being within arm's reach, even if child has life vest on
--allowing someone else to watch child while they go out
--smoking in child's presence
--taking your child somewhere without your permission (beyond the park, grocery store, library, etc)
--having weapons in the home that are not double locked and ammunition locked separately
--taking care of child while intoxicated

I'm sure there are others that folks can add. These are the items you want die on the mountain for. Walking in tall grass and picking him up by the arms are not on this list.

I am confused. Who is overbearing and controlling?

They watch him in your home but all the bad stuff happens in their home? I'm confused.

This is an issue for your husband. If he feels these are important issues, than he needs to bring them up. Your frustration should be with him, not your FIL.

OP, you sound a bit paranoid. Relax. It isnt hard to check for ticks. I don't fret about sunscreen after 4 PM - so I can see why 30 minutes at 3 PM wouldn't be a big deal. It is just one day a week.

By the way, please let your child play outside in the grass, splash in muddy puddles, and otherwise have fun with his grandparents. Just go inside if you can't bear to not micromanage it and leave them alone. They will be fine. Your kid isn't going to drink the mud like a dog and if he does, he will be fine. I have two very active boys who are growing up on a farm. I can't tell you how many times I have given them a quick hug, kiss and said, "well, that's too far from your heart to kill you." Remember that and see if you can't teach your kid to shake it off and keep going a bit more instead of living in cotton wool. He will thank you for it one day.

He is, I repeat, a toddler? Chill the eff out, lady. team grandpa.

Can they watch him at your house instead?

Other than the sunscreen thing, I think you're being a little overly cautious about your toddler. If you can't learn to let go of these things, you need to end the arrangement.

My ILs live relatively locally and are providing care for our child in our home one day a week while we're at work. I realize we're incredibly lucky to have this option and took them up on the offer because they are basically good people and I know quality time with grandparents is better than another day in daycare for DC.

However, I now feel I have created a challenging situation --- FIL is extremely overbearing and controlling and routinely contradicts DH and me about care for our toddler. They live in a very wooded area and we've asked him to be careful about taking DC near high grass because of ticks (constantly everywhere and on everyone at their home) --- this results in mocking and a lesson on how easy it is to check children for ticks.

We've repeatedly asked FIL to lift DC by the waist, not pulling up by arms to prevent against dislocated shoulder/elbow (friends similarly aged kid had this happen). He is either willfully ignoring us or incredibly absentminded because keeps lifting DC by the arms.

Today, DC was going outside to play with grandparents near water --- DH asked them to wait so we could apply sunscreen, both ILs mocked us saying that a)dc wouldn't be in the sun, b) it was 3 p.m. and c)he wouldn't be out long enough to get burnt. DC is, I repeat, a toddler. We are not chasing a tween with sunscreen.

Finally, they challenge us on letting DC play in the water (which is not exactly know as the cleanest body of water in town and results in our dog getting sick whenever he drinks from this area) --- we have asked them to keep him on the sand because he is still young enough that he tries to drink all water he bathes/swims in and we don't want him ingesting this water. Again, more arguing/challenging, "good luck keeping him out of the water" remarks.

I have really grown to resent this situation and my FIL --- am tired of continually having to defend rather basic child safety guidance. Honestly wish we lived far away and I blame myself for inviting them into our lives to this extent because I feel like that has somehow given them the impression that they get this sort of say in our lives. Are we being ridiculous/ If not, how to extricate?