OP here. MIL makes it a point to ignore us more (if possible) in public. We clearly make her uneasy. I think she doesn't like the idea of us, or our family, which is why I suggested jealousy. I don't mean she is jealous of us, specifically - just that she might be jealous or not want to be around young families? Or something like that...

Instead of embracing us, I think she has gotten colder (again, if possible). She will go on and on about people she hardly knows, and fawn over them, for appearances. But it is as if she is making a public "FU" statement toward us. She just is not a nice person.

She really wants people to think she doesn't like us. And it is fine if she does not, we have nothing in common. But to be so wretched....

My MIL looks right through me. Never ever asks me about my work, my hobbies, my house, cooking, garden, exercise, my family or my health.

I used to try to engage her, ask her about her teaching career or her advice on this or that. But now I don't try anymore and we don't have a relationship.

Anonymous wrote:OP, you just described my SIL. Unless you're doing something directly for her (providing childcare, driving her places since she doesn't drive, doing her favors), then you're irrelevant. There's no reciprocity. I'm not talking in terms of favors, but in connection - asking about things in my life, congratulations on achievements, or any kind of attempt at connection whatsoever.

I get that when you marry into families, you don't necessarily have to become BFF. But the idea that you don't make any effort to connect or get to know or share with your extended family, is really weird to me.

I don't know if she's just cold, or witchy. Probably somewhere in between. I stay hands off now with the trying.

OP here. Yes, this. MIL and SILs only talk to us when they want something. It is blatant.

No effort to connect, probably because I didn't kiss SILs arse when she had babies? Which I didn't think was my job, but apparently MIL did? We did a lot for SIL, I didn't think kissing arse was part of it, too. This may or may not be the reason, but I really can't think of anything else that may have gotten their goats. What a tribe! If I call MIL on it, MIL will try to act oblivious, or as if she has something more important to do than say something (anything) about the situation. As if that will help. As far as MIL is concerned, the world consists of her and SILs, and me and DH can go to hell. Part of me know sit is hopeless, that MIL will never change. Part of me wants to tell her to go to hell, herself. DH and I never did anything to her, or asked her for anything.

I get it, she is stuck in her ways, but she does not have to be rude.

Bring a book

You can be in the same room and not add any tension

Yes. I embrace it. I don't like her and she doesn't like me.

I wish she would. She is always asking us to do something for her, FIL, SIL and SIL's kids. We can never do enough.

My MIL ignores me, but that's fine by me. She, in a fit of anger, lashed out verbally at me and accused me of "stealing" her son and being a terrible awful miserable person for depriving her of grandchildren. Okay then!

Not long after that, she abruptly left my FIL (who, if stoic and not great at showing emotion, is still a nice guy who worked insanely hard to support his stay-at-home wife and build a solid middle class life), which just devastated him. I mean, wrecked the guy to the point that he entered pretty intense therapy because he was contemplating suicide.

And why did she leave? To move closer to her daughter, who had the only grandchild. And she proudly told my husband this. She then, as my husband says "messed up [her daughter] petty bad" and that led to my SIL's divorce before the kid was 2.

Through all of this, MIL barely spoke to her own son. Needless to say, relations are strained and remain so to this day. Compounded by the fact that MIL has a live-in boyfriend (guess that whole lecture she gave us about "living in sin" is a do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do situation) while we watch my FIL still struggle to adjust to life as a middle-aged single.

Since MIL set all of this into motion 4 years ago, she's visited us once. I've not spoken to her on the phone. We visited once, and my husband made an additional visit without me. She's actually pretty smothering on these incredible rare visits, which drives me crazy.

But, yes, otherwise she ignores me and I ignore her right back.

My ILs live out of state and they never visit me or one of my wife's sisters. But they manage to visit a third sister about 10 times per year (also out of state). They know they're welcome, we've done everything we can to be gracious hosts. But they've clearly chosen favorites and its not us. So they have no relationship with five of their grandchildren except (on occasion) speaking with them on the phone. When that does happen, they've managed to talk about the two grandchildren the DO see regularly. My wife is hurt and resentful and unfortunately that has manifested in my daughter as well. My son honestly doesn't think about them at all.

I'm pretty much past all of it. They're free to make whatever choices they want, we'll see if things change in the future but its going to be tough to reestablish any kind of relationship with them. No real chance of them ever having a relationship with our kids- son is off to college in a year and daughter would take a lot of time and effort to bring around. I've quietly wondered if the next time my kids see them will be at one of their funerals. I don't understand how they can consciously make that choice.

Its really sad, especially in contrast with my parents who are actively involved with our lives despite their failing health in the last few years.

OP, you just described my SIL. Unless you're doing something directly for her (providing childcare, driving her places since she doesn't drive, doing her favors), then you're irrelevant. There's no reciprocity. I'm not talking in terms of favors, but in connection - asking about things in my life, congratulations on achievements, or any kind of attempt at connection whatsoever.

I get that when you marry into families, you don't necessarily have to become BFF. But the idea that you don't make any effort to connect or get to know or share with your extended family, is really weird to me.

I don't know if she's just cold, or witchy. Probably somewhere in between. I stay hands off now with the trying.

OP here. I forgot to add - I wonder if part of MILs "attitude" is jealousy, bitterness, or depression (having existed before us).

My only concern for "reaching" her is saying 'hey, you really should include/be nicer to/give any consideration to DH; you are only here for a few more years, at your age.'

Which, of course, is my putting it as nicely as possible.

Life is too short. Stop spending time and energy on your MIL, including worrying about your lack of engagement. If she wants bragging right re: the kids, send her pictures.

Anonymous wrote:What does your DH say about the treatment you and your kids get from his mom? That matters the most.

Dh is afraid of MIL, unfortunately. We do not need, nor ask anything from her except respect. She does not respect herself, so she is not capable of respecting others, sadly. While I realize there is only so much I can do, the thought of spending any time with her is cringeworthy, given how she treats DH. Truth be told, I care less and less about how she treats me.

YES! She treats me like a piece of furniture.

What does your DH say about the treatment you and your kids get from his mom? That matters the most.

I am interested in in responses DILs who have a less than nice MIL (as opposed to MILs I describe).

If you, as a DIL, have gone the extra mile, participated in anything possible (with a smile and a casserole, for that matter), and MIL is still a witch - is the only option to send DH on his merry way to see her? What if MIL ignores your children and does what little she does do for bragging rights only? MIL is flat affect, and it is difficult tot relate, to say the least.